Tag: life

eff the niche

Everything I’m about to tell you is true.

First, I am a delight.
Second, I am large, I contain multitudes.

A black and white photograph of a woman wearing horns staring over a river at a pair of bridge.

What I’m about to say is not a “hook,” nor is it something to leverage my SEO. Honestly, I know very little about all those things, and find them quite frustrating in my return to the online world. Please note that I also do not want to learn about these things, because adding in a bunch of hidden codewords so the algorithms can find my work is the exact opposite of what I’m doing here.

Also, I’ve niched myself into oblivion before. It sucks, and trying to show people other sides of who you are isn’t easy.

Them: “Oh, so you’re not a square, then…”
Me: “Well, I’m a cube…which could be seen as a square. But in reality there are many dimensions to who I am.”
Them: “So you’re not a square?”
Me: “Yes, I am not a square.”
Them: “Okay, just don’t try to be a cube anymore, as that just confuses everyone.”
Me: “…”

Back in the early 2000s there was this idyllic little spot on the web called LiveJournal. In my eyes it was the early inklings of long-form social media, and a place that welcomed both big and small names. We became invested in the lives we followed, offering support and understanding to folks we hadn’t met in the “real world.”

During my time there I absolutely contained multitudes. No one batted an eye at the fact that there were 20 different hats in the “Who is Kim” part of my personality closet. Being an absent minded Buddhist herbalist tarot reader, living mostly off grid on a small plot of land, while trying to subvert the dominant paradigm was de rigueur. Not only that you could be a zine writing feminist artist that was skeptical of the system while also enjoying Taco Bell on occasion. You could just be real, and other people would be real with you.

Very slowly, then all of a sudden, a ripple went through the site and folks starting drawing lines in the wires – sort of like the scene from Monty Python’s Life Of Brian where the characters are discussing the People’s Front of Judea. You were either with the people, against the people, or one of those horrid fence sitters that could see both sides of the story. Guess where I was?

If you guessed the last group, you win a gold star. While I didn’t sing the let’s all get along song, it was my greatest hope that everyone would see what was going on, life would get back to normal, and we could continue being in this online Utopia. That was not how the route was going until an unlikely pair of enemies appeared – The Facebook and a Russian company buying SixApart/LiveJournal. Finally, we could all go back to love, acceptance, and being multifaceted, right? Right?!?!? Because, you know, we were not united in our displeasure of the road ahead…

That was about two decades ago, and here we are together in the dance of the doom scroll. We want content creators to do one thing and one thing only. As someone that really rocks out to things being the same, I understand that feeling, but also…humans aren’t robots.

For some time I tried to tell my stories on TikTok using the hashtag efftheniche. The comments I received were less than kind, and I often found my posts under review. To keep a system running there cannot be a disruption in the process. If you don’t fit into a category, you get lumped in with all the other misfit toys. This gives you a big penalty online, and in some secret language the platforms talk to each other about how you won’t conform. While they are chatting, they also suggest advertising based on your search history or the search history of anyone near you.

All of that just made me sad…and cranky. The thought of making a repeating post that said, “You niche-heads get off my digital lawn” crossed my mind daily. In some very odd act of rebellion I decided that I would show them…I’d stop giving them my content to use. Not only that, let me just stop doing all the things that I love because the algorithm doesn’t like me or my work. And while I’m at it, let me just kick it up a notch by metaphorically gluing my feet to the floor so that all those big feelings stayed with me every day. Just a full on laugh riot every minute…me and my “you can’t make me” temper tantrum.

The honest truth here is that I’m not back in this part of my work so the bots can turn me into a viral creator. This is for my kids and family. It’s for all the times they’ve told me to write my stories, take my photos, or tell my tales. This is a way to show them that our finite time on this planet should be spent living fully, and with the audacious authenticity of a dandelion growing between the cracks in the sidewalk. It’s also for all the people who have been told to dull their shine, or to stop being too much.

Or, as Walk Whitman says in his poem, “Song of Myself, 51”:

“The past and present wilt - I have fill’d them, emptied them.
And proceed to fill my next fold of the future.
Listener up there! what have you to confide to me?
Look in my face while I snuff the sidle of evening,
(Talk honestly, no one else hears you, and I stay only a minute longer.)
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
I concentrate toward them that are nigh, I wait on the door-slab.
Who has done his day’s work? who will soonest be through with his supper?
Who wishes to walk with me?
Will you speak before I am gone? will you prove already too late?”

So, eff the niche. Be notorious. Shine brightly. Life is too short for mediocrity.

Oh, the typo fairies had vanilla bean ice cream, which means this post should be mostly typo free…

Until next time – much love and tons of support to all y’all,
~ KEU

letting it all go…

Everything I’m about to tell you is true.

image of a car filled with bags and boxes to be donated.

First of all, I’m a delight.

Image of bags and boxes in a car to be donated.

Second, I will not go gently into that good night.

“Don’t forget – no one else sees the world the way you do, so no one else can tell the stories that you have to tell.”
― Charles de Lint, The Blue Girl

There have been days where the level of my anxiety makes hearing “DEFCON 1” look like child’s play. Part of that feeling is genetic, with the other part being situational. However, the secret third thing was the never-ending wonkiness that comes from hanging onto things that were never mine in the first place.

Over the past two weeks I’ve taken such a fearless moral inventory of, well, everything. Think of it like advanced navel-gazing for the weary soul – that place where you have to ask yourself eleventy billion reflective questions on the state of your being. From there you pick up all the Most Important Things You’ve Ever Owned, asking the the hardest question ever — do you spark joy?

Now before folks come for me, because the online world loves to point out all the places you are wrong, know that I fully understand the absolute privilege in owning things…then giving them away. Also, please know that you might view these images and have thoughts about people who just keep collecting things to an unhealthy level. That’s fine, it’s not my job or place to get your mind to see my perspective(s). Plus, this is my story, and telling it is gonna take a lot more courage than what’s floating around me right now. Thing is, I’ve held it back for so long, and after realizing that I am, in fact, a bad a**, it’s time to share it. Not because I need some kind of weird validation, but in the words of Ani DiFranco: “When you look at me
You see my purpose
See my pride
You think I just saddle up my anger
And ride and ride and ride
You think I stand so firm
You think I sit so high on my trusty steed
Let me tell you
I’m usually face down on the ground
When there’s a stampede
I’m no heroine
At least, not last time I checked
I’m too easy to roll over
I’m too easy to wreck
I just write about
What I should have done
I just sing
What I wish I could say
And hope somewhere
Some woman hears my music
And it helps her through her day”

(side note, this is a space for everyone, so while this song mentions women, it applies to all people)

When I was struggling, and I mean struggling to the point that I didn’t even know how to form sentences that made sense, my brain needed to find someone going through the fire as well. While a good therapist, my own stubborn nature, my family, and my therapist were there clapping for me as I ran in life’s race…everything in me just needed to see that someone else made it to the finish line.

A weird little thing about my brain is that while I was out searching, it was also important to learn all the things about what was bothering me. There is this long list of certifications for modalities needed, but that were out of my price range. Meaning it was going to be less expensive to get that piece of paper than find someone doing what the piece paper offered. Total word jumble there, but that’s the best way for me to explain my process(es). In every practicum or case study, that’s when a series of small epiphanies happened…
– everyone has struggles and challenges
– we all need someone to listen fully
– it’s not always about you
– healing isn’t linear
– the hardest thing to do is ask for help

You wanna know something that was hard for me? Kind of like the Achilles heal acting up as you and Sisyphus roll that huge boulder up a hill while some parallel universes held a sword of Damocles over your head…all while the Greek chorus was whispering in your ear…

I couldn’t let go. That’s it, there’s my huge big secret.

Then all of a sudden, in a literal sleep waking moment, I was like, “Oh…snap. If I keep holding onto this stuff nothing else can come my way.”

Now I’m out here flailing my arms like those weird balloon characters in front of pawn shops while remembering who I am (and who I was) before everything weighed me down.

Before signing off for the day, it’s important to share this with you.

It is absolutely okay to not be okay. Rumi says this being human is a guest house, and that might be one of life’s biggest truths…but if not being okay is preventing you from fully living, please reach out for help. That’s not a subtle nod to sell you something, or get you to join my program for only $49.99 a month…but a genuine offer for you to just lay it down for a bit. It’s okay to leave it here. I’ll keep it safe…there’s plenty of room. Just so you know, we do have cats, who are curious, so they might check it out from time to time. But in all seriousness…you can leave it here.

Alright – this is day 3 of getting back to what I love. It might be important to tell you, which I usually do in the beginning, is that there is a whole troop of typo faeries that live in my computer. While I leave them cream, chocolate, and fancy cheeses, they do love to dance on my keyboard after I hit “publish.” Please know that I do my best to check my writing, but if something slips by…it doesn’t mean I’m uneducated or a bad writer. Also, if that kind of thing bothers you, then maybe my work isn’t gonna be something you enjoy.

Thank you for shining your light. Thank you for doing hard things. Thank you for being as real as you can be given the (*waves hands*) way things are going.

Much love,
~ KEU

Be notorious

Image is a photography of feral bees getting water to drink.

“It’s so freeing, it’s beautiful in a way, to have a great failure, there’s nowhere to go but up.” ― David Lynch

First of all, I’m a delight. Second, it is my greatest goal to be absolutely notorious. Third, there is a whole group of typo fairies that follow me around.

It has been a beautifully quiet day, and I’ve enjoyed some offline writing. However, to stick with my rhythm and routine, here’s a little haiku for you.

limitless singing
spinning with divinity
cosmic engaging

May there be peace in all that you do today. May the planets align in a way that reflects your inner beauty.

Much love,
~ KEU

resurrection

Photo displays a statue of a woman with the words "Let there be light" written in English and Hebrew.

“How can you rise, if you have not burned”
― Hiba Fatima Ahmad

First of all, I’m a delight…

Not sure how many times I’ve sat in front of this big empty space sharing the finer details from the inner machinations of my mind, or all the ramblings about how things will be “from now on.” Also, if there was a record for transformational life experiences, I’m pretty sure I’d at least be in the top 3% of people who have walked through fires they never imagined facing.

That’s not a humble brag, nor is it one of those, “Look at me over here doing better at life when it ties my shoes together,” but more like a realization that God must be tired of trying to get my attention.

Over the past two weeks I’ve:
– filled 3 giant trash cans with things that should have been tossed long ago.
– taken two car loads of items to be donated (filling 7 carts)
– shredded old after visit summaries
– tossed genealogy research that wasn’t going anywhere
– taken a fearless moral inventory of my life
– donated 2 boxes of books
– faced my biggest fear(s)
– made a realistic set of goals
– been consistent in my daily routines
– stopped seeking approval
– become notorious
– danced barefoot in wet grass

A not-so-secret thing about is me that I’ve been a huge scaredy-cat for most of my life. Without waxing poetic, let me just say that having that shadow hang over me hasn’t done me one iota of good — especially when many of the things I worried about turned out okay in the end.

Recently the Universe decided it was ready for me to stop waffling, get my life in line, and start shining brightly. While it was just easier for me to say, “Oh, that can happen tomorrow,” thinking that was becoming a 400 ton boulder around my waist. You know, just me and this rock walking around in life trying to make folks think living this way is normal.

Them: “Hey, what’s that huge thing behind you?”
Me: “Oh, this – it’s nothing important. I’m just doing some weight training.”
My brain: “Flee you fool, they will see that it’s actually the crushing weight of things that don’t need to be worried about…ever.”
My soul: “What she’s not telling you is that she’s had big dreams for such a long time, that she’d convinced herself were impossible, so now this rock is an egregore of all the growth she’s overlooked.”
My body: “Girl, I’ve sent you kidney stones, GI problems, falling down, shingles, lower back pain, and I’m about to send you some stress related muscle issues if you don’t untie that thing from your waist.”
God/The Universe/Insert your personal belief system here: “Hold my wine…”

Something changes within you after standing up for those you love. There’s this wild-eyed freedom that you experience after walking away from a meeting with someone trying to be your adversary. Instead of self recriminations or wondering why nothing seems to go your way, while being drenched in a cortisol sweat that would rival Niagara Falls, you just keep calm and carry on. It’s the most weirdly liberating feeling in the whole world.

And then all of a sudden, but very slowly at first, you find yourself standing back in the land of your life’s dreams. Things that seemed out of reach fall into your lap, and you speak even though your voice is shaking.

For the last week of July/first few days of August, my goal was to post my creative pieces for 3 days in a row. Didn’t matter what platform, or if anyone saw it, because it’s for my own dang self. It’s like taking old muscle memories and putting them to better use. The next phase of this whole Phoenix Phase is to write something here every day. It doesn’t have to be perfect, and I won’t be looking at my stats. Because, really, life is too short of worrying what others have to say about who you are.

With that, dear readers, please feel free to hold me accountable. Nobody is above having a little nudge from time to time.

Thank you for being here, and for walking alongside me. I love each and every one of you with all my being.
~ KEU

Hello, it’s me…

First of all, I’m a delight. Second, I don’t do niche content due to my love of both dillying and dallying. Thirdly, all grammar errors/typos are purely intentional due to the myriad typo faeries living in my laptop. Now that you know this, please carry on reading.

Everything I’m about to tell you is true.

It’s my birthday week. This happens every year in my birthday month – shocking, I know, but that’s just how life is sometimes.

One thing you should know about me is that I am a prayerful person. Not the dry and dusty prayers for the big three (money, love, health), but the kind that get down into the marrow of my being in a way that makes me believe that grace still exists in the world. Sometimes when I’m feeling a bit cheeky, or just want to experience a bit of delight, I’ll pose a question to the Universe that sounds a little like this: “Oh for the love of all things, can we please stop walking in circles?!?!?!” Other times my prayers sound like whining, proclaiming the doom, despair, and agony on me (“if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all…”). Then there’s the happy medium that is full of gratitude for all that life has share with me.

So, yeah, now you know one of my biggest life secrets — I talk to something greater than any of us can understand. While scholars and spiritual folks duke it out online over what I’m about to say, their squabbles are not mine to monitor. The beauty of being human is seen in the wisdom of Old Turtle that reminds us that we are all loved (hat tip to Douglas Wood). With that…here goes…brace yourself for the wildness of what I’m about to say. Heck, you might want to warm up your gasping breath before reading the next few words.

Everything I’ve ever prayed for, or about, has been answered.

Let me say that again…all the things that I’ve prayed about have been answered. Not before you come at me with all your ideologies, finger pointing, and what not, just hear me out.

Prayer is not something I do to broadcast my thoughts to the world, or to seek favor for my own benefit – it is a way for me to connect with the world around me as a reminder that not everything is about me. It is how I send love into the world/cosmos, find peace with things I cannot change, and hold space for those in pain. Never once have I asked for a new car, or to win the lottery, or for those who don’t like me to look in the mirror. Mostly it is this stream of consciousness that sounds a bit like when children talk to their imaginary friends about tea parties and unicorns.

You see…in my short time on this planet I’ve had experiences that defy understanding. Stuff that took years of my life, and more stuff that required decades of research. Like the main character in The Alchemist, I’ve done just about everything (except for what was in front of me) to get answers to my soul’s questions. When you allow yourself to get all that clutter from your noggin, you see that the answers have been with you all along.

For longer than I’d like to admit, I’ve been one of my harshest critics. Right alongside that, I’ve allowed others to rain on my parade. Yep, you read that correctly, with my permission I willingly gave my power over to folks who took advantage of the places where I was broken. Think of it this way — many of us will choose a familiar negative over a potential positive. It’s kind of like we Stockholm Syndrome ourselves into thinking we are better off being in the mire over trying to find someplace less mucky. Because, you know, there might be bears, or aliens, or mean people in our comment section.

There are folks in my life that love me more than I can even describe here in this space. In fact I’m lucky enough to have a whole family (spouse and kiddos), as well as mentors and friends, that have supported me no matter what. Through every up, down, and all around these humans have reminded me that one does not need to give all their light away in order to be loved.

So, this prayer stuff – lemme get my story wrapped up here so you can go about your day. Lately my prayers have been about healing the parts of me that keep me from fully loving every one and everything (oh, just so you know, my boundary skills have become powerfully strong), as well as how to navigate living with a wee bit of anxiety. While I don’t ever expect answers, they always show up. This week was no exception with the arrival of a quite hilarious, but very spot on, spam email. Not only did it say I was loved, but that the image of the image is more than the image. The words gave me some very sage advice of: “I will show you how to make a picture of you. If you don’t want to go out, you don’t want to go out. If you want to write a book, write a book, or write a book, or write a book. If you want to be a part of the world, you will be able to do it in a new way.”

** side note here: when I say “wee bit,” in reality that means soul-crushing worries fostered by PTSD (which you will learn more about in the future) and 53 years worth of stories trying to break free all at once. Also, thank goodness that my prayers of not wanting to go out were confirmed, as well as whether or not I should be writing/creating. Or, maybe, write a book…

So, yeah, that’s where I am these days. Kinda done with things that weren’t working in the first place, or trying to fit into places that require you to leave your authenticity back at home. Plus, I think maybe it’s time to stop looking outside…and starting listening to what is within.

That’s all I got for today, y’all. Lots of love, big hugs, and know that I see you shining brightly as the Sun.
~ KEU