“A waiting person is a patient person. The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us.” ― Henri J.M. Nouwen
Gnosis – (noun): Knowledge of spiritual mysteries and boundaries. No, Sis – Informal and friendly way of respectfully saying no; refers to boundaries of accepting the actions of others.
“Just as it is impossible to be at the same moment both a plant and a seed, so it is impossible for us to be surrounded by worldly honour and at the same time to bear heavenly fruit.” – attributed to Mother (Amma) Syncletica
Right now I’m literally soul deep in the mystic wisdom sharings of the Desert Mothers and Fathers. As someone that really aligns with the archetype of the Hermit, but also enjoys the esoteric dance of the Hierophant, the place of stillness offered by these ascetics challenging the status quo of the established Roman religion (aka The Holy Roman Catholic Church) feels like going home. While I might not be good at fasting, and often run around pondering instead of praying, the messages these folks shared with the world help me be a better person.
No matter who, what, where, or how we believe, be it science or spirit, the one thing that is absolutely certain is that we are all connected. What we do for ourself we also do for others, and for the greater whole. While listening to a talk by Ram Dass he talks a little bit about this, sharing what he learned in the vein of I can do nothing for you except heal myself. And, yes, we could all split hairs with this statement – goodness knows I have – but the core of it is that we are dynamic microcosms dancing around in the greater macrocosm.
Sometimes we just have to be still and know. The greater culture wants us to keep our little devices with us at all times, or to constantly be working toward some goal – but friends, even Nature takes a break from time to time. And being that we are from the natural world, that means we get time to renew, reflect, and replenish…
This week started off with no internet, then snow, and now the cold. It’s almost as if the world around me also needed a hot minute to figure some things out.
Let me also put this out there – I’m not a huge fan of the whole dogma and spiritual commercialism that has arisen from the “self care” movement. What I see is a lot of expensive things that exclude those that need rest the most. Some folks just don’t have the ability to sit in a bathtub full of flowers while reading a book and enjoying a glass of wine. While good for the socials, it’s not a reality that the world around us experiences. It also doesn’t mean you have to sit alone at an ashram waiting for a guru to give you a mantra. Although that’s cool, sometimes all you have time for is to sit alone in the bathroom.
There’s a lot more I could ramble on about, but I’ve got a full day ahead of me…and these chores won’t take care of themselves.
First of all, I’m a delight. Second, everything I’m about to tell you is true.
“It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path, and to proceed.” ― Ram Dass
Today is the second day of Advent. While I’m not particularly aligned with any faith system, this time of year has always held a special place in my heart. Maybe it’s the genetics, as my Ancestors would have been settling in for a long winter full of darkness and cold. Or, it could be that I was raised in what might be called a “liberal” Catholic Church. Whatever it is, my non-denominational hillbilly mystical self just loves the thought of spending 4 weeks in contemplation. Although, if you ask my spouse, he would tell you that I’m always pondering something.
Before I get my yarn going, let me take a moment to wish you Rabbit! Rabbit! This is a folk practice that seems to have originated with the British during the early 1900s. This tradition has travelled through other cultures, and has come to reside on the internet where well meaning people want to argue about it. My thought on all of it is this – I’m saying to you, with the utterance of “Rabbit!! Rabbit!!” (and sometimes it’s fun to add an extra Rabbit!! because that’s how the old stories go with things being in threes and all), that it’s my fondest hope that your month is full of grace and ease. With that out of the way, lemme get down to the nitty gritty…
For the past little bit I was stuck in a boot loop, returning to a place where I got stuck. When things like this happen with our technology, we keep turning it on/off again in hopes that this time something magically change. However, when anything just keeps circling round and round, nothing will stop it until it meets an equal, or opposite, force. Again, these are things we know about our physical world(s). When this happens to our emotions or spiritual path, we grasp at straws to find answers. “Why did [insert faith system top boss here] do this to me? What prayers/offerings/etc. do I need to offer to stop suffering like this? Why me? Let me tell everyone on the internet about this…” Okay, that last one was, shall I say…a wee bit snarky – not just to the global culture, but for myself as well. Because, you know, I have – in the past – had a little issue with wanting to tell all y’all about my life as if no one else was going through sh*t.
So…yeah…this loop stuff…
Sometimes humans get bad data from other humans. This info can give you a serious case of WTF, creating a non-stop thought train of, well, WTF. Somehow we have become a culture of I’m right, you’re wrong, with some dogmatic pronouncements that bear no resemblances to the original connection. That’s what happened to me, and it kept me in this never-ending black hole of brain rot for quite some time.
Honestly, I think it was more like the stories of how elephant trainers put the babies on chains so they couldn’t get away. After some time of this the tether would be removed, but the belief of being tied up was already put into long-term memory. They didn’t try to escape because they believe they were still unable to get away. It was a loop of better the enemy you know, than the enemy you don’t know. Well, that and a lot more in the realm of animal/human psychology, but the purposes of this post, let’s just say that sometimes the memories of being held back stick with us for a lot longer than we can ever imagine.
Now I don’t know how this happened, or when, but one day I metaphorically looked down and saw that my feet were no longer in the loop. At first this was pretty terrifying, because I’d become acclimated to this whole smokescreen handed to me by people that had received bad data. Kind of like when you are in a spiral of sadness, and others in that spiral gravitate towards you. That is…until you say, “Hey y’all, look, the sadness is gone…I’m feeling hopeful again.” What you hope to hear is, “Hey, that’s great, how can we support you in this journey,” but what often comes your way is, “Have you seen the news, here’s some angry social media, can any of us ever be happy…” and just – holy moly – a lot of b.s. crashing out at the fact that you found a light at the end of the tunnel.
What all those influencers and self-help authors often leave out is that when you step outside of the expectations of others, it can get very, very lonely. It also challenges your decisions to have better boundaries…going back to that whole “enemy you know” thing. So when you are out there flapping your arms like one of those blow-up creatures in front of a store, the vulnerable parts of yourself start whispering to you with little digs – not-so-great people are better than no people; who do you think you are; don’t you want some validation – like, y’all…no joke, those little negative talkers in our brain can do a number on your mental health.
But then, all of a sudden, after a very long time, you get comfortable with the fact that feeling better in your body, mind, spirit, is not worth stepping back into the circle/loop. When you get a text, message, or email with words clearly laid out to upset you, there is no sting and no reaction. You don’t feel defensive, or not heard, or even worried that you will be alone your whole life with everyone in the world hating you – it’s just like, “Yep, that’s weird, I’m not engaging with that crap anymore.” You become like a grey rock where everything is “that’s great,” or “wow – that must have been wild to experience.”
Now, there are moments when I really do want to step back into that loop because it was my whole life for much longer than I anticipated. Some of it is my doing, some of it is the doings of others, and yet another part is just life. There is absolutely no need to go around pointing out the specks of wood when I’ve got a whole dang forest in my back yard. You know, glass houses and all…
“Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.” ― Madeleine L’Engle
Sometime I realized a bit ago was that every time I sat in front of a screen that connected me to a platform that was supposed to connect me to others, was that a little bit of me became performative. Along with that, I would get ranty about how this site, or that site, wasn’t behaving. All you gotta do is wander back a few posts, and you will see me yapping about how unfair it all is that no one was paying attention to me. Y’all, I ain’t above learning, and holy smokes did I learn some things recently. In some weird twist of life lessons, being deep in the darkness of my growth process, these small inner lights started forming…guiding me back to myself. Along the way I found pieces of my dreams lying on the side, so I gathered them into my little magic satchel. Further along tendrils of my creativity had become overgrown, so I nourished them back to fullness. As the light got brighter, there were human forms off in the distance – each one looked a lot like members of my wee little family. As I got closer I found that they had been there all along (and don’t say, “well duh,” because not everyone has supportive family, and for these beautiful humans to have patience with, and for, me…y’all…that’s some for real magic right there) – waiting for me to see the things they already knew.
And that’s when I knew that the loop no longer had me…
For today’s Advent thought, think of something that shines a bit of lit in parts of your life that need it.
Also, here’s the stack of what I’m reading right now. Just started “The Roots of Appalachian Christianity” by Elder John Sparks. Just a few chapters in, and I’ve already filled a few pages in my notebook. If you are interested in the faith systems of rural communities, especially in the Appalachian regions, this is a great read so far.
First of all, I’m a delight. Second, I hope you see the whole of the Moon. (hat tip to Mike Scott and The Waterboys)
This is going to be a pic heavy post, so get yourself ready…
Honestly, I don’t know where to start with this, but the Moon is full, and I’ve been left unattended. Also, I’ve been trying to write this post for about 4 months, and my brain needs to let it out into the world – just done holding onto it for reasons that make sense only to me.
But first…a wee little pic of a full Moon from my archives. If you wanna know all the deets, here they are – shot on an iPhone (12) with the aid of a telescope. Also, you should know that this beautiful jocular orb is a big deal in my astrology chart. I’m all watery in the cosmos, letting my intuition and emotions shine a light on the parts of me that need it most. Which, and this is foreshadowing, got me through 2023. Well, and the years before that, but for today let’s just focus on one particular timeframe. That will keep the squirrels in my noggin happy. Remember, I warned you this is gonna be pic heavy…
It all started with a quadruple hit of viruses. Please feel free to hit up Google scholar, or your favorite medical database to see how this can happen. While I do have some genetic anomalies that make life interesting, my immune system is not too shabby. So, yeah, Spring-ish of 2023 the Universe decided to give me some lessons. But first, here’s a digital piece I created before all the shenanigans began.
While it would be easy for me to turn this into some kind of soliloquy and/or monologue – which I mean it is my site and all – it is important for me to stay on track. Let’s see if that actually happens.
In life there have been health challenges that gave me a run for my money, but nothing was as debilitating as what happened in 2023. I was deathly ill for two weeks, and mostly ill for a month. It was so bad that for 3 days in a row it was my fondest wish to take a “nap” for a really, really long time. My dreams were tactile and full of information, taking me to places no one had business visiting. Fevers are wild, y’all, and they do things to your noggin that can take years to heal…especially if you have a TBI from 8th grade. And, you know, that TBI happened in art class (my fave after literature and history), taking my sight for 24 hours and leaving me with this whole thing around creativity. That’s a story for another day, but y’all need to know about it because of what lies ahead…
Gotta admit, this is not one of my most favorite photos, but I was hugely pregnant, and the lighting was not-so-great. Side note, my dear sweet sweetie (you’ll see him below) build that marble maze toy. That man is a woodworker/carpenter/human extraordinaire.
When things got back to normal-ish, things in my system were not as they once were. I couldn’t sit for long periods of time, my ability to create was hampered by headaches that brought mind wandering, and nothing was working the way it needed to for my general happiness/well being. It sucked. People got mad at me because plans had to be cancelled, I gave up my thriving practice, and my moods were solemn. It was not a lot of fun.
They July came, my birthday in fact, and my dear sweet sweetie got shingles.
Yes, I’m wearing some kind of Halloween shirt in this photo – because for me everyday is Halloween…
This is Mr. The Mister and myself hanging out in our home. My oldest, by one minute, took this with her delightful Polaroid. If you can’t tell, our faces are saying, “Holy sh*t, we made it through 2023.” Those wee little zosters tried to take down my very best friend in all of time and space. In some kind of bizarre parallel, he spent 3 full days laying on the couch while I hovered over him doing all the incantations, prayers, and magic my recovering body could muster. We both have scars from that precarious time.
Then came Chicago… (see, this is a whole story that should be told in parts, and that will most likely happen that way, but for today you get the whole buffet)
Now this one will have it’s own post eventually, but the big takeaways are that: 1) I had a whole spiritual experience on the L; 2) I got to see the artwork of Remedios Varo up close and personal. Like this one…Creation of The Birds.
I mean the trip was a whole thing, and it was healing for me in so many ways. Everything just felt alive with hope and joy.
But wait…there’s more…
Not long after this Great Awakening, the best dog in the whole world (so much so that there would be no other dogs as good as he was) passed away. It was a blessing to sit with him during his last 12 hours. When my husband got home so we could take him to the vet, Frodo (yep, that’s the name he came with) stood up and gave a happy greeting. My training as an End Of Life Specialist aka a Death Doula (of which I will write more about later) helped me process what was going on around this beloved being with four paws. My husband, dear Mr. This Mister, was with Frodo in his last minutes because I couldn’t get out of the car due to the intense weeping and wailing. My soul was broken, and I screamed to anyone who could hear me, that this was, in fact, the absolutely worst year ever.
By the end of 2023 my circuits were fried. People were mad at me, I’d given up on what I love, my career had tanked, and I was desperately fighting to find my way out of a maze of emotions. Al of this was the tip of the iceberg, really, because 2024 came with a new job for Mr. The Mister, the end of a decade long trek in the modern U.S. health system with my youngest, another trip to Chicago, more people being upset with me, boundaries being crossed, and holy effing sh*t – would it never end?
2025 started out a little better. My ability to do things, after two years of working hard to recover from the virapocalypse, was returning. There are some things that still are difficult, like driving, but nevertheless…I persisted. Good stuff was coming my way, like being a part of the design team for Crafty Lisa’s Vintage, my family and a dear friend sharing their support for my ideas, and life presenting an opportunity for me to stand my ground.
And then I remembered these things… (see pics below)
And…this…that still has plenty of story time left to share.
For the past 38 days I’ve been consistently creating from the chaos that was the last decade. The point in sharing all of this isn’t for some kind of weird internet fame, or whatever it is that makes Al’s Gorithms and the Bots happy, but for anyone who has been going through tough stuff. Sometimes it takes as long as it takes, and life isn’t always giving us golden tickets of grace and ease. Along with that my hope is that those who are in a similar resource situation as my family will know they are not alone. Healing isn’t something everyone has access to, and I fully understand that creativity is a luxury for many.
Every day is an exercise in trusting that the Universe knows what’s up – and being absolutely grateful for everything that has happened. What I’ve learned is that this is not the time to hide your light under a basket, and that shining your weird light for others isn’t just a beacon…but more like a bridge of mirrors. Being who you truly are reflects into the hearts/souls of those around you. Life is just a blip in the cosmic timeline. Remember, we were made from creativity, an explosion of spirit/science (or whatever your belief system(s) might be), so all the ways we live are some aspect of that which made us. Or, better worded, we are the creators we’ve been waiting for…
Phew…alright y’all, it is a glorious day here, and I’m gonna park myself on the porch to practice my drawing skills. Know that you are loved, supported, and I see you over there shining brightly as the Sun.
To be continued…
Much love, ~ KEU
This post was written with the help of friendly cats and typo fairies. Please excuse all grammar errors as flights of fancy. If you would like to help appease my editors, you can drop a few coins into my coffee jar. As previously mentioned, quite often, I’m coming back to this creative life after a long period away. If you’ve read this far, know that your time is greatly appreciated.
Currently listening to: The Tales of KE Upton (Spotify playlist – which I know everyone is leaving, but it’s the best I can do with the resources I have at this time)
First of all, I’m a delight. Second, “I am unwritten.” (hat tip to Natasha Bedingfield)
“Creativity takes courage.” -Henri Matisse
In order to avoid the niche of just saying no to the niche, I’m gonna switch it up a bit and pull something from the archives…
My first “blog” post was in 2003 on a site called LiveJournal. This is what I wrote on August 23, 2003 – a few months after creating an account.
“This brings the level of ‘net community to a whole new level. As a closet geographic anthropologist (is that redundant?), I like to study people and their desire to form community. About 150 years ago, or so, you would join your community at church, festival, harvest time and so on. Now, in our world today, we join our community online.
But what about all the people that are not online (according to Census stats, very few people are online)? What do they do for community? Are we afraid to meet people face to face (f2f), or does the ‘net provide a “screen” for us to set up who we want to be?
I’ll ponder this some more and get back to you… 🙂“
In the words of David Byrne – “Same as it ever was.”
Not only is it humbling to see this, I’m reeling over the amount of time that was invested in making myself “popular” on that site. Y’all I could have written the great American novel, had 20 art shows, and a lot of other things instead of seeking something that was most likely not going to come my way.
This has given me quite a bit to ponder, and is gonna be great compost for tomorrow’s post. Today I’m off to engage with reality.
“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward.” ― Amelia Earhart
There’s something very important I need to tell all y’all. Maybe it’s something you wanna read, or not – none of us knows how to feel when someone we barely know wants to share a vulnerable part of themselves.
First you get this feeling of having to decide. Is what this person is about to say gonna mess with your deeply seated beliefs, or will it be a moment of solidarity? Then there’s the training we’ve all received about what “real” “authenticity” looks like online. “Oh, this is just for the likes,” comes way too quickly to our frontal lobes when viewing media on our phones. It’s an emotional commitment to continue engaging after someone decides to share details about their life. After all, we are just human…
I have been terrified for the past 21 days during this time of consistent posting. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing…and I don’t really care to know. This is me finding my way back “home” after being really lost for 10 years. The Indigo Girls barely scratch the surface with the lyrics of going up mountains, and talking to “…Doctors of Philosophy.” You see I went to a lot more places, tried a lot more things, and learned way more than imagined about the nature of humanity. Some of these experiences were out of my control, with others being entirely my doing. As the cool kids say… No. Stone. Was. Left. Unturned.
Trust was an issue, as were boundaries. Doubt was a thing with teeth, waiting to remind me how weird I am. Honestly it felt like there were multiple timelines happening at once – this sort of weird quantum dance of uncertainty.
Nevertheless…I persisted. (pretty dramatic, ‘eh?)
It all could have been a mid-life crisis, or the thing that older women deal with that none of us are allowed to talk about. Compound that with the general state of life on Earth and a growing need for a mystical connection to my creativity, which created this sort of overwhelmingly self-absorbed need to finally figure out my path in life.
So, on August 1st of this year (2025), I decided to start posting on different platforms. Some of them I’ve never heard of, but the competing sites I joined had plenty of articles/posts on why my presence on the competitor’s site was a personal affront to all things good in the world. Perfect, sign me up – let me see what’s really going on here.
My report, so far, is that all the sites are driven to make money for themselves. Makes sense because it’s a business, and as a previous business owner, I, too, wanted to make money. At least 20% of the people that follow me are bots making AI, or humans pretending to be bots making AI. Another 20% just repost popular posts to get people to like the reposted post they posted. The 20% after that appear to be scammers. Either that or there really are a lot of doctors from other countries trying to come to a place where the wellness system is in a hot mess. That means around 60% of the people that follow me aren’t exactly who they claim to be.
Mixed in the remaining 40% are folks who are: 1) just trying to make it in this world; 2) a friend from high school that wants you to book a party from them; 3) a content creator; 4) trying to find sanctuary. Oh…but there’s this secret 5th thing…there is this beautiful oasis of actual people. You see their little kitchen, the piles of unfolded laundry on the couch, and hear real emotion in their voice.
Seeing those folks shine brightly like the Sun helped me be less insecure. They helped me see that we are all lost, and that we are all just trying to walk each other home. (hat tip to Ram Dass for that great line). None of us really know what we are doing, which is absolutely okay. The best you can do is just be kind. Love all, serve all. (another hat tip to Ram Dass) But most importantly, just be yourself. You know, shine that weird light so other weirdos can find you.
What started as a complicated journey of self-discovery ended as a revelation in being okay with who I am. This has been a huge lesson in courage. I’ve learned that the most powerful thing we can do in a world of algorithms and facades is to simply be ourselves. It is in our chaos, our doubts, and our quiet moments of humanity that we find a real connection.
But most importantly, our stories are important, and we should tell them. We are more than data, we are living entities taking the biggest trip ever. Our creativity is more than a niche – it contains multitudes.
Much love, ~ KEU
If you find value in my work, please consider dropping a few coins in my ko-fi cup. Thank you!
Currently listening to: The Tales of KE Upton (Spotify – you can click the link to see the songs, but are not required to listen) Currently reading: Be Here Now by Ram Dass
First of all, I’m a delight. Second, “You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.” ― Rumi
Not the ocean, but a beautiful image of Lake Michigan from the Chicago side. Further down I’ll post a full image of the painting – please feel free to scroll on down, get a screen capture, and look it up. Interestingly it will somehow loop back to: 1) this post or 2) random archived places where I’ve discussed the painting previously. Welcome to the digital spiral that is the internet.
Today I was chatting with my editing team about how one stays authentic to their creative self while also trying to keep one’s toes in the water of content creation. And, yes, I talk about this quite a bit because I’m really trying to understand this shift to “fast food” artistry that is happening on various platforms. There are a few places that will penalize you for having a post/video that is longer than 7 minutes. However, it’s their server space and rules, so we all must march to the beat of their drum.
Or not.
Just say no to the niche. You are not just a drop in the ocean, as Rumi says, but the entire ocean in one drop. Life contains multitudes. You don’t have to be a “niche” creator. Instead, you can be a hub for all your different interests. Your photography, writing, and videos all come from the same person—you.
This can be a more sustainable and fulfilling path than trying to fit yourself into a box that doesn’t feel right. It allows you to create from a place of genuine passion, and it invites people into a conversation, not just a transaction. And that is what this painting means to me. Not the story of the artist, nor her particular beliefs about parts of history – it’s that she DARED to be herself in a culture that actively pushes us to be otherwise.
Just for the record, this is NOT my artwork. I do not own the rights to this and am only sharing it as part of the story about how it came to be in my family’s possession. Also, I cannot share the name of the artist because the internet has eyes. While some can talk about things that are outlandishly unbelievable and gather millions of followers…talking calmly about how a piece of art inspired me to come back to what I love, sharing my creative self, upsets Al’s Gorithms.
Here it is, y’all. Here’s the painting in all its glory. And here’s an image that shows you how it ties to history.
Side note, I donated this magazine, and no longer own it. Back copies can be find online.
As I’ve said previously, could my family and I be making this bigger than it is? Yes, absolutely and without question…yes. It’s just, and I’m not sure how to even say this in a different way, there’s just something about all of it that creates intrigues in the brain. Even more after the ruckus it caused online.
In the digital world there’s this push for algorithmic success versus the messiness of human creativity. The prevalence of AI-generated content and bot monitoring is designed to have us churn out work that makes the platform happy. As someone that was in tech years ago (think back in the dinosaur days of dial-up via rotary phones), I fully understand the huge cost of data, servers, and the sheer amount of memory it takes to hold all this. We have to become efficient, but that lacks the unique, sometimes illogical, and deeply personal qualities that make humans and humanity so compelling. The rambling, the detours, and the wild punctuation (as in my case), are all part of our authentic voice, signaling to the reader/viewer that a real, thinking person is at the helm.
And this is the paradox: in a world that craves efficiency, the most valuable creative work might be the messiest. True connection isn’t always instant, but we are pushed to immediately decide if someone is in our camp. Real human interaction isn’t like that, it’s built through vulnerability, shared experiences, and the raw authenticity of trying to get by in the world. To truly connect, we need to slow down and engage with the nuances of what the creative person is sharing with us.
This painting is a reminder that the real treasure isn’t in a viral hashtag, or rising to the top of your niche content, it’s in the shared experience of being human. We make mistakes, and we try hard to understand our environment. Art and creativity, in all forms, gives us a brief moment to connect with something bigger than we can understand. We can tell a story about our world, as I’ve said previously, to help others see that they are not alone.
You might have a ton of thoughts right now, but if I may suggest something, let this be one that sticks with you: just say no to the niche. Be multitudinously notorious. Live in the place where your insecurities dwell. Contradict yourself. If you need someone to stand with you, just let me know — I’ll be there with bells on.
Much love, ~ KEU
Currently listening to: The Tales of KE Upton (Spotify playlist – am working on getting it on YouTube as well) Currently reading: pondering what to read next…stay tuned
“Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately after they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish.” ― Hermann Hesse
As you can see in the photo, there are some hooves standing on what appears to be a knoll – or a mound, if you will. The design and colors give the impression that it is covered in grass, or some type of herbaceous goodness enjoyed by ruminates. The next part/installment about this painting will show the whole piece. After a little bit of research I learned that the artist’s name is often picked up by Al’s Gorithms, which solves a few mysteries, but also makes it difficult to share too much info with y’all if I plan to keep my content up and running.
Part 2 stopped with my dear husband mentioning how the artist has a connection to certain historical events in the United States (1960s). For many the answers provided didn’t match up, so groups were formed to study all the particulars. As I’ve mentioned previously, my words are very vague due to past experiences with sharing this story. While no one in my family is particularly dedicated to spending our life going down rabbit holes, talking about them can be tricky these days.
Him: “If you start seeing things in your feed about (the event), you will know why.” Me: “Okay, but how weird can it get from just a simple painting?”
Here’s your answer – it got kinda weird…but in a good way. I’ll get to all those parts in future writings, but for now let’s travel back in time to the last century – in particular 1996.
Before moving to the area where I met my husband, my life was a little bit eclectic. On the door of my apartment was a sign that said: “If you are not all the way there, then you are halfway here.” Haunting coffee shops, learning from the elders at health food stores, and skulking around used book/music stores was the marrow of my life. At the same time I was trying out a new degree program (English Literature/Secondary Education) – maybe the 3rd or 4th one at this point, while tiptoeing into comparative religions/religious studies.
However, what’s important to know, is that I was enjoying the fruits of learning how to be a Wiccan Shaman Druid (hyperlinked for your enjoyment) with a group of folks who were doing the same. We would read Edgar Cayce like Shakespeare and talk about soul families. Nothing like being in your 20s, ‘eh? My closet had a mix of items similar to Daria and Stevie Nicks, with a jarring lack of color. My shelves were full of tomes on metaphysics, dreams, quantum physics, and grand writers of old. Pretty much I just shined my weird light for other weird people to find. And by “weird,” it was more like wyrd – but also cool, maybe?
Here’s something you should also know…I was also enamored with unicorns.
Imagine my surprise when I saw the painting on his wall the first time visiting his apartment. Like a magical beacon, a most signier sign, was a beautiful unicorn standing on a grassy knoll with a blood red Sun in the sky. It was kismet…and we were married just 3 months later.
Him: “You really need to look up this artist, and give me your feeling on everything.” Me: “I mean, if it’s going to help sell it, then I’ll dig in. Lemme get some photos of it and see if anything comes back.”
Narrator voice: “In fact, something did come back.”
The internet is a great place to search for things you don’t want to know. AI was just starting to get interesting, so I uploaded the photo with this question: “Could you take a deep look into the symbolism knowing about (artist’s) highly contested connection with (historical figure)?”
My hopes were not very high for a decent reply, but you know…sometimes the Universe conspires to shower you with blessings. Along with that I knew the high error rates of AI at the time, so my expectations were pretty low.
This was one of the replies given: “The Unattainable Truth and a Quest: The pursuit of the unicorn in traditional folklore often signifies a quest for something rare, elusive, or highly valuable. This resonates with (artist’s name) ongoing efforts to uncover what (this person) believes is the complete truth about the (historical event) and to achieve justice for (person of note), a truth that (this person) perceives as deliberately hidden and suppressed. The unicorn could symbolize this elusive truth, the ultimate prize in (their) lifelong quest.”
Uh….
That just fired my brain up in ways that are hard to explain without doing an interpretive dance, using lots of charts, or both. In a very weird coincidence, I was facing a similar, although far less conspiratorial, quest of my own. While my life was vastly different than the one this artist has, in my heart that desire to find answers was just as strong. And – which is a very big and – this artist faced their fears to share their story. If they could do it, then so could I…
But isn’t that what art does? It’s a testament to the creator’s personal journey, a way to express something that had a profound impact in their life. The symbolism – rising from fear, finding a voice, searching for an unattainable thing – is not just about this artist; it’s a reflection of the human struggle.
Using visual storytelling to find meaning and connection, the painting takes on something bigger than any of us can understand. It’s no longer about the name of the artist, the price tag, or the controversies, but how creativity moves us. It creates a reflection of our own lives, a knowing that we are not alone in world. Sort of like, “Oh, hey, that person understands,” giving you a feeling of being truly seen…validating that your presence here has meaning.
It also shows me that in the age of digital publishing we have an impact even if only a few read what we write, view what we create, or listen to our stories. While we dream of going viral, or getting rich from our work, I think what we truly desire is to be exactly who we are — and to have that inspire others to do the same.
Much love, ~ KEU
This post was written with the help of friendly cats and typo fairies. Please excuse all grammar errors as flights of fancy. If you would like to help appease my editors, you can drop a few coins into my coffee jar. As previously mentioned, quite often, I’m coming back to this creative life after a long period away. If you’ve read this far, know that your time is greatly appreciated.
Currently listening to: The Tales of KE Upton (Spotify playlist) Currently reading: A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L’Engle
Second, I will not go gently into that good night.
“Don’t forget – no one else sees the world the way you do, so no one else can tell the stories that you have to tell.” ― Charles de Lint, The Blue Girl
There have been days where the level of my anxiety makes hearing “DEFCON 1” look like child’s play. Part of that feeling is genetic, with the other part being situational. However, the secret third thing was the never-ending wonkiness that comes from hanging onto things that were never mine in the first place.
Over the past two weeks I’ve taken such a fearless moral inventory of, well, everything. Think of it like advanced navel-gazing for the weary soul – that place where you have to ask yourself eleventy billion reflective questions on the state of your being. From there you pick up all the Most Important Things You’ve Ever Owned, asking the the hardest question ever — do you spark joy?
Now before folks come for me, because the online world loves to point out all the places you are wrong, know that I fully understand the absolute privilege in owning things…then giving them away. Also, please know that you might view these images and have thoughts about people who just keep collecting things to an unhealthy level. That’s fine, it’s not my job or place to get your mind to see my perspective(s). Plus, this is my story, and telling it is gonna take a lot more courage than what’s floating around me right now. Thing is, I’ve held it back for so long, and after realizing that I am, in fact, a bad a**, it’s time to share it. Not because I need some kind of weird validation, but in the words of Ani DiFranco: “When you look at me You see my purpose See my pride You think I just saddle up my anger And ride and ride and ride You think I stand so firm You think I sit so high on my trusty steed Let me tell you I’m usually face down on the ground When there’s a stampede I’m no heroine At least, not last time I checked I’m too easy to roll over I’m too easy to wreck I just write about What I should have done I just sing What I wish I could say And hope somewhere Some woman hears my music And it helps her through her day”
(side note, this is a space for everyone, so while this song mentions women, it applies to all people)
When I was struggling, and I mean struggling to the point that I didn’t even know how to form sentences that made sense, my brain needed to find someone going through the fire as well. While a good therapist, my own stubborn nature, my family, and my therapist were there clapping for me as I ran in life’s race…everything in me just needed to see that someone else made it to the finish line.
A weird little thing about my brain is that while I was out searching, it was also important to learn all the things about what was bothering me. There is this long list of certifications for modalities needed, but that were out of my price range. Meaning it was going to be less expensive to get that piece of paper than find someone doing what the piece paper offered. Total word jumble there, but that’s the best way for me to explain my process(es). In every practicum or case study, that’s when a series of small epiphanies happened… – everyone has struggles and challenges – we all need someone to listen fully – it’s not always about you – healing isn’t linear – the hardest thing to do is ask for help
You wanna know something that was hard for me? Kind of like the Achilles heal acting up as you and Sisyphus roll that huge boulder up a hill while some parallel universes held a sword of Damocles over your head…all while the Greek chorus was whispering in your ear…
I couldn’t let go. That’s it, there’s my huge big secret.
Then all of a sudden, in a literal sleep waking moment, I was like, “Oh…snap. If I keep holding onto this stuff nothing else can come my way.”
Now I’m out here flailing my arms like those weird balloon characters in front of pawn shops while remembering who I am (and who I was) before everything weighed me down.
Before signing off for the day, it’s important to share this with you.
It is absolutely okay to not be okay. Rumi says this being human is a guest house, and that might be one of life’s biggest truths…but if not being okay is preventing you from fully living, please reach out for help. That’s not a subtle nod to sell you something, or get you to join my program for only $49.99 a month…but a genuine offer for you to just lay it down for a bit. It’s okay to leave it here. I’ll keep it safe…there’s plenty of room. Just so you know, we do have cats, who are curious, so they might check it out from time to time. But in all seriousness…you can leave it here.
Alright – this is day 3 of getting back to what I love. It might be important to tell you, which I usually do in the beginning, is that there is a whole troop of typo faeries that live in my computer. While I leave them cream, chocolate, and fancy cheeses, they do love to dance on my keyboard after I hit “publish.” Please know that I do my best to check my writing, but if something slips by…it doesn’t mean I’m uneducated or a bad writer. Also, if that kind of thing bothers you, then maybe my work isn’t gonna be something you enjoy.
Thank you for shining your light. Thank you for doing hard things. Thank you for being as real as you can be given the (*waves hands*) way things are going.
“It’s so freeing, it’s beautiful in a way, to have a great failure, there’s nowhere to go but up.” ― David Lynch
First of all, I’m a delight. Second, it is my greatest goal to be absolutely notorious. Third, there is a whole group of typo fairies that follow me around.
It has been a beautifully quiet day, and I’ve enjoyed some offline writing. However, to stick with my rhythm and routine, here’s a little haiku for you.
limitless singing spinning with divinity cosmic engaging
May there be peace in all that you do today. May the planets align in a way that reflects your inner beauty.
Kim Upton 