Kim Upton

40 days

First of all, I’m a delight. Second, “Allt virðist vera breytt” (hat tip to Sigur Ros)

photo of the view from a canopy tree walk 75 feet above the forest floor which is located in an area that reaches around 900 feet above sea level

“When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree.

The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying ‘You are too this, or I’m too this.’ That judgment mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are.”
― Ram Dass

Here’s the moment of truth that the 4 people that like my posts have been looking forward to – I joke, because the amount of followers/likes/shares/comments/whatever we think makes us more real online, doesn’t really matter. None of this is real anyway, which means I’m just out here having fun and collecting data. Also, I’m literally a hillbilly/redneck Snow White that doesn’t wear shoes, feeds literally any human or animal that comes my way, and I don’t take kindly to folks picking on others.

For 40 days I’ve been out here, as the young’uns say, “wilding.” The main goal was consistency, because let’s be honest due to circumstances beyond my control my life looked a bit wonky to those who were only peeking at it via social media. But I digress…

So, yeah, along with posting on one, or more, social media platforms consistently I’ve learned way more than anticipated. Here are some bullet points.

Substack has a nickname around the other sites that sounds like the letter S, then saying that letter again. At first I wasn’t really sure what folks were talking about, as all I could see was tons (and I mean tons) of AI generated content. And it isn’t even good content, which is sad. There is also a wave of folks monetizing their exclusive content there while screaming from a burning building about how no one makes real content anymore (oh, and that whole double letter thing under the guise of people who care). -300/10
Bluesky is fun if you want to talk about how bad X/Twitter is. It’s fun to see a lot of re-posts and bots share the hard work of others and get a ton of replies while the original creator gets none. 2/10
Medium is just that, medium. I’ve found some really great long form authors there, but it kind of lacks the “social” aspect that I miss about the old days of LiveJournal. The plus is that the monthly fee is pretty reasonable, and you don’t have to have 622 different subscription plans to read folks you follow. 5/10
Meta is, y’all – it’s a thing that gets talked about more than anything else online. People really do love to hate on Zuck while using his platform for free where all users are content. It’s kind of a wasteland that I visit from time to time, then I realize I’m clinging to the wrong lifeboat. 0/10 (but y’all know none of us can really leave – it’s the Hotel California of social media)
YouTube is winning so far with the content and ability to find cool things to learn. It’s kind of always been that way, which is nice. I’ve heard rumblings and complaints from a few content creators, but as we all know there’s not a lot of money in that particular career. 7/10
TikTok, which may or may not be banned or whatever, has not really changed since it came out. Lots of folks trying to hit it big with their stories – which I so understand because here I am working on some of the same things. Not a huge fan of the way they do their algorithms to foment discontent, but with some work you can see all the cute animal videos and none of the “rage bait” stuff. 6/10
The lesser knowns such as Mastodon, the various pixelfed stuffs, Tumblr, and so on have been really fun to check out. Well, not so much Tumblr because it’s kind of like one big ad now (as all sites like are doing). Through those sites I’ve “met” (you know, virtually) quite a few really awesome people doing some freaking amazing creative work. Also, their take on spirituality has been less about “if this comes across your feed,” and more about “how can we all not be huge douche canoes to each other.” Also, those creators are pretty tight in their research, and you’ll not see a whole lot of “this is what *they* don’t want you to know” content. 8/10
WordPress – well, I gotta say for all the grumblings about it out in the greater cyber-verse, it’s been the most solid and robust platform I’ve used. And while it may seem as if I’m saying this for some kind of cred, please know that this is also posted on Medium, so…yeah. 8/10
Ko-fi is just mid. Not even gonna get into the details, because it’s just, I don’t know, hard to use and understand. 2/10
Patreon looks to be pretty awesome, and it’s pretty user friendly for me. 8/10
Real life is the most enjoyable experience. Yesterday I talked to some trees and met a giant tin man. There were others doing the same, and we had friendly conversations with each other. I took photos, and then had some snacks while watching a lake move slowly. Later some family members and I visited this place that sells all kinds of things, luring you to buy more than what you need, but we successfully navigated the siren song of consumerism. While there we also talked to others like us, humans, and delighted in the beautiful day. 100/10

While this is a little tongue in cheek, my reviews are spot on. But what’s really important to know in all of this is something that wasn’t anticipated – and y’all it’s huge.

In all that I realized that the ability to be truly authentic was harder than it looks.

Lemme say that again, but in a different way. None of us are immune to the call of being popular.

I’ll let Nothing But Thieves say it for me:
“And now we’re breeding a feeling of animosity
Our thoughts are tribal, go viral and now it’s deafening
Oh how we’re loving the comfort of pack mentality
The internet has teeth and
It eats and eats and eats ya”
– Can You Afford To Be An Individual
(side note – you might this song is about everyone else, but it’s about all of us)

Tomorrow, 9/10/25, I’m starting yet another personal challenge to post short form video content. There might be some longer stuff, too, and of course I’ll still be writing/creating in the analog world as well. Of course my findings will be shared here, as well as other places, so we can all learn something new together.

And now it’s time to get some work done. I hope all y’all have the most beautifully wonderful day ever. Keep shining your weird light so other weirdos can find you. Or, just shine your light – don’t let the Greek chorus get ya down.

Much love,
~ KEU

This post was written with the help of friendly cats and typo fairies. Please excuse all grammar errors as flights of fancy. If you would like to help appease my editors, you can drop a few coins into my coffee jar. (opens to Patreon – you can join for free) As previously mentioned, quite often, I’m coming back to this creative life after a long period away. If you’ve read this far, know that your time is greatly appreciated.

Currently listening to: The Tales of KE Upton (Spotify playlist – which I know everyone is leaving, but it’s the best I can do with the resources I have at this time)

creativity after chaos

First of all, I’m a delight. Second, I hope you see the whole of the Moon. (hat tip to Mike Scott and The Waterboys)

This is going to be a pic heavy post, so get yourself ready…

article from Today's Woman in Louisville, KY from 2005

Honestly, I don’t know where to start with this, but the Moon is full, and I’ve been left unattended. Also, I’ve been trying to write this post for about 4 months, and my brain needs to let it out into the world – just done holding onto it for reasons that make sense only to me.

But first…a wee little pic of a full Moon from my archives. If you wanna know all the deets, here they are – shot on an iPhone (12) with the aid of a telescope. Also, you should know that this beautiful jocular orb is a big deal in my astrology chart. I’m all watery in the cosmos, letting my intuition and emotions shine a light on the parts of me that need it most. Which, and this is foreshadowing, got me through 2023. Well, and the years before that, but for today let’s just focus on one particular timeframe. That will keep the squirrels in my noggin happy. Remember, I warned you this is gonna be pic heavy…

It all started with a quadruple hit of viruses. Please feel free to hit up Google scholar, or your favorite medical database to see how this can happen. While I do have some genetic anomalies that make life interesting, my immune system is not too shabby. So, yeah, Spring-ish of 2023 the Universe decided to give me some lessons. But first, here’s a digital piece I created before all the shenanigans began.

digital art of a full moon reflecting on a mountain lake

While it would be easy for me to turn this into some kind of soliloquy and/or monologue – which I mean it is my site and all – it is important for me to stay on track. Let’s see if that actually happens.

In life there have been health challenges that gave me a run for my money, but nothing was as debilitating as what happened in 2023. I was deathly ill for two weeks, and mostly ill for a month. It was so bad that for 3 days in a row it was my fondest wish to take a “nap” for a really, really long time. My dreams were tactile and full of information, taking me to places no one had business visiting. Fevers are wild, y’all, and they do things to your noggin that can take years to heal…especially if you have a TBI from 8th grade. And, you know, that TBI happened in art class (my fave after literature and history), taking my sight for 24 hours and leaving me with this whole thing around creativity. That’s a story for another day, but y’all need to know about it because of what lies ahead…

Gotta admit, this is not one of my most favorite photos, but I was hugely pregnant, and the lighting was not-so-great. Side note, my dear sweet sweetie (you’ll see him below) build that marble maze toy. That man is a woodworker/carpenter/human extraordinaire.

When things got back to normal-ish, things in my system were not as they once were. I couldn’t sit for long periods of time, my ability to create was hampered by headaches that brought mind wandering, and nothing was working the way it needed to for my general happiness/well being. It sucked. People got mad at me because plans had to be cancelled, I gave up my thriving practice, and my moods were solemn. It was not a lot of fun.

They July came, my birthday in fact, and my dear sweet sweetie got shingles.

Yes, I’m wearing some kind of Halloween shirt in this photo – because for me everyday is Halloween…

This is Mr. The Mister and myself hanging out in our home. My oldest, by one minute, took this with her delightful Polaroid. If you can’t tell, our faces are saying, “Holy sh*t, we made it through 2023.” Those wee little zosters tried to take down my very best friend in all of time and space. In some kind of bizarre parallel, he spent 3 full days laying on the couch while I hovered over him doing all the incantations, prayers, and magic my recovering body could muster. We both have scars from that precarious time.

Then came Chicago… (see, this is a whole story that should be told in parts, and that will most likely happen that way, but for today you get the whole buffet)

Now this one will have it’s own post eventually, but the big takeaways are that: 1) I had a whole spiritual experience on the L; 2) I got to see the artwork of Remedios Varo up close and personal. Like this one…Creation of The Birds.

a photo of Creation of Birds by Remedios Varo

I mean the trip was a whole thing, and it was healing for me in so many ways. Everything just felt alive with hope and joy.

But wait…there’s more…

Not long after this Great Awakening, the best dog in the whole world (so much so that there would be no other dogs as good as he was) passed away. It was a blessing to sit with him during his last 12 hours. When my husband got home so we could take him to the vet, Frodo (yep, that’s the name he came with) stood up and gave a happy greeting. My training as an End Of Life Specialist aka a Death Doula (of which I will write more about later) helped me process what was going on around this beloved being with four paws. My husband, dear Mr. This Mister, was with Frodo in his last minutes because I couldn’t get out of the car due to the intense weeping and wailing. My soul was broken, and I screamed to anyone who could hear me, that this was, in fact, the absolutely worst year ever.

By the end of 2023 my circuits were fried. People were mad at me, I’d given up on what I love, my career had tanked, and I was desperately fighting to find my way out of a maze of emotions. Al of this was the tip of the iceberg, really, because 2024 came with a new job for Mr. The Mister, the end of a decade long trek in the modern U.S. health system with my youngest, another trip to Chicago, more people being upset with me, boundaries being crossed, and holy effing sh*t – would it never end?

2025 started out a little better. My ability to do things, after two years of working hard to recover from the virapocalypse, was returning. There are some things that still are difficult, like driving, but nevertheless…I persisted. Good stuff was coming my way, like being a part of the design team for Crafty Lisa’s Vintage, my family and a dear friend sharing their support for my ideas, and life presenting an opportunity for me to stand my ground.

And then I remembered these things… (see pics below)

And…this…that still has plenty of story time left to share.

painting of a unicorn with a magazine cover with JFK on the front

For the past 38 days I’ve been consistently creating from the chaos that was the last decade. The point in sharing all of this isn’t for some kind of weird internet fame, or whatever it is that makes Al’s Gorithms and the Bots happy, but for anyone who has been going through tough stuff. Sometimes it takes as long as it takes, and life isn’t always giving us golden tickets of grace and ease. Along with that my hope is that those who are in a similar resource situation as my family will know they are not alone. Healing isn’t something everyone has access to, and I fully understand that creativity is a luxury for many.

Every day is an exercise in trusting that the Universe knows what’s up – and being absolutely grateful for everything that has happened. What I’ve learned is that this is not the time to hide your light under a basket, and that shining your weird light for others isn’t just a beacon…but more like a bridge of mirrors. Being who you truly are reflects into the hearts/souls of those around you. Life is just a blip in the cosmic timeline. Remember, we were made from creativity, an explosion of spirit/science (or whatever your belief system(s) might be), so all the ways we live are some aspect of that which made us. Or, better worded, we are the creators we’ve been waiting for…

Phew…alright y’all, it is a glorious day here, and I’m gonna park myself on the porch to practice my drawing skills. Know that you are loved, supported, and I see you over there shining brightly as the Sun.

To be continued…

Much love,
~ KEU

This post was written with the help of friendly cats and typo fairies. Please excuse all grammar errors as flights of fancy. If you would like to help appease my editors, you can drop a few coins into my coffee jar. As previously mentioned, quite often, I’m coming back to this creative life after a long period away. If you’ve read this far, know that your time is greatly appreciated.

Currently listening to: The Tales of KE Upton (Spotify playlist – which I know everyone is leaving, but it’s the best I can do with the resources I have at this time)

to forgive and not forget

First, I am a delight. Second, “I know hope, it has wings.” (hat tip to Trevor Hall)

orange, red, and yellow colored pencils with one yellow pencil showing a large crack along its side

“I always thought that anybody who told me I couldn’t live in the past was trying to get me to forget something that if I remembered it would get ‘em in serious trouble.” – Utah Phillips

We are all a little broken, and none of us are perfect. To err is human, as the saying goes, so why is it that we have such a hard time with the concept of forgiveness? Now before y’all come at me in the comments saying words about not forgiving horrible things, know that I don’t participate in stuff such as forced positivity or negation of mental health. That influencer junk isn’t what I’m saying here – it’s more about finding grace and ease with uncertainty from my perspective.

And being real honest here, I’m not sure how to share my life experiences with all y’all here on the inter-webs. First, I do like a good ramble – you know, just letting those brain squirrels out to play until they tire out and go home to rest. It’s not because I lack direction, or the ability to stay on one topic, but more like my thoughts find connections to other thoughts while my fingers are moving along the keyboard.

Second, it is very important to honor every person’s path. What is good for the goose is not always good for the gander (as the saying goes). Just because my work with forgiveness was helpful for me, doesn’t mean that it will benefit others. There are a lot of people out there who feel very strongly that their way of life is how everyone should be, which is not how I roll.

Forgiveness is about allowing healing for circumstances that are beyond my control, and for those situations where my broken parts engaged in uncomfortable behaviors. When I decided to set some goals earlier this year, I found myself stewing a bit on too many thoughts. If you’ve read some of my past posts, there’s some vestiges of that when I get a good yarn going about the artificial nature of being online. Sometimes my brain gets a little cranky at things that have nothing to do with me. Yelling into the void isn’t helpful, neither is complaining about Al’s Gorithms and The Bots. Plus, that’s not what I want to give my energy to on a daily basis. But I will say that it did feel good to get all that off my chest.

The other bug tussle here is that the brain just loves holding onto memories – even if we think it isn’t. You see, there’s a huge supercomputer in your skull that is constantly taking in information so that it can help you stay upright. If it senses something might be hazardous for you, which in reality makes it kind of a self-serving organ (which could be its own post), you get a flood of information that hopefully helps you make a better choice. Just like the elephant, your noggin never forgets.

Let’s say you’ve done a lot of work to forgive someone for not returning a phone call that was important to you. With a little time we realize that we are not in control of everyone, but that emotion hangs out a bit longer influencing other parts of your life. Now you have this feeling just wandering around without direction, waiting for an opportunity to show you what it thinks is a pattern. Then one day you trip over something your housemate left on the floor, making you angry at the fact that no one ever pays attention to your needs.

So…yeah…we’ve all been there, and it’s never any fun when it happens.

For me to move forward in my life I had to stop allowing little things to pull me off track. That meant taking a full inventory of the times my feelings were hurt, as well as the moments where I upset others. This week seemed like the perfect time to do this, so I took a fearless moral inventory of all the times life seemed really unfair. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, because the list went deep down to the marrow of my core memories. Looking at the pages of these painful blips of my history, I just felt the need to draw little hearts around all the words. My soul felt heavy with sadness for those who had hurt me (or my family), and my being was remorseful for the times my actions were hard for others. After that I wrote out this sentence: “May all be forgiven, and may I forgive myself, too.”

Then I cried.

See, the thing here is that I’m never going to forget any of those events/situations, but I can stop letting them pester me all the time. Those emotions aren’t going to be metaphorically stuck to the bottom of my shoe anymore, and the steps in my journey will be lighter.

The side effect of all this was being able to see where my boundaries needed more work, as well as being a little more careful where I share my energies. I don’t know, y’all, it was just a whole thing, and trying to put it into words here is like trying to nail water to the wall.

So I’d like to do something here that is important for me as a creative and spiritual person.

If I’ve upset you in any way, I offer a sincere apology – and am here to talk about it if you find that helpful. To those that have hurt my family or me, you have my forgiveness. If I have crossed a boundary in your world, I am sorry. For those who have crossed the boundaries of my family and me, you are forgiven – but please know that we reserve the right to refuse your presence due to past actions.

With that, y’all, I’ve got some things to take care of today – I’ll get back to my wild and full of multitudes content later in the week. Until then know that I see you out there shining brightly as the Sun.

Much love,
~ KEU

short post is short

First of all, I am a delight. Second, Mama by Genesis is a serious bop.

picture of spooky solar lights with a light trail

“Like an old gold-panning prospector, you must resign yourself to digging up a lot of sand from which you will later patiently wash out a few minute particles of gold ore.”
― Dorothy Bryant

Here we are in September – a gateway to the glorious months of Autumn (Northern Hemisphere). Summer has put on her soft slippers, grabbed a book, and is getting ready for 9 month long rest.

Now that I have this consistency thing down, and have tested the waters of Al’s Gorithms, it’s time to get into the nitty gritty of things.

There are a lot of stories in my life that want to come meet y’all. Along with that, there are a lot of creative projects that float in and out of my brain on a daily basis. As far back as I can remember, this has been my standard manner of operation – everything from making potions to writing poetry to creating pictures. Something that I learned with my little experiment is that planning can be very, very helpful.

So is scheduling.

With that…today’s post is short, sweet, and simple. Y’all be good to each other out there.

Much love,
~ KEU

insert rage bait title here

First of all, I’m a delight. Second, “No one hears me sing this song.” (hat tip to Weezer)

photo of a woman sitting in a car talking to a plastic skeleton

Let me share some stats with you because I love them so. Also, today is the last day of consistently posting on various platforms around the internet (social media). That might not seem like a big deal to y’all, but for me it’s huge.

The top 3 countries where my work is enjoyed are: 1) The United States; 2) Czechia; 3) Germany. My posts only get out to thirty-five percent of non-following readers. Of those people, five percent read the entire piece. Those that do read the full piece usually leave a comment of some kind, or at least like the post.

My most read piece was written on August 18th (2025), and I used a line from an Edie Brickell song as my title. The site that has the best organic readership is WordPress, which was a little surprising due to the vast amount of folks complaining about this platform on competing platforms – which is odd to me because so far I’ve not seen any of the creative folks on WordPress say anything about other platforms. Also, another positive nod to WordPress is that many of the users are real-life humans. With that, sharing on WP has been a delight.

Now, as far as the other places I’ve been, lets see what Bots & The Algorithms pick up…

The not-Twitter/X platform, Bluesky, that is absolutely very close to Twitter/X energetically, isn’t bad but it has a HUGE spam problem. My best guess is that out of the 79 people following me, maybe about 8 or 9 are not spam accounts. It is also heavily populated with folks that left that one company started by that one guy who we all love to not like. I’ll talk more about that one below. The amount of actual connection there is like, let’s say around 7%.

Medium and Substack, and others like it – even Patreon and ko-fi – are nickel and dime-ing all of us via AI rage bait and comically repetitive calls to action. Also, there are a lot of folks that really, really, really want you to believe that they are not using AI to do their work. Let me take a moment to just say this – I have no issues with AI, and have used it in my work many, many times. I find it helpful with things most people don’t know it can do, and I always (always) verify any information it tosses my way. And – which is a very big and – AI/LLM do what humans ask them to do. So far I’ve not seen any indication they’ve gone rogue and we are one step away from SkyNet. Actually, I see that happening more with the owners of these sites…but let’s not go into that now.

Little did I know that all the platforms lean a certain way. And if you want to know what way that is, you’ll find several writers/creators talking about how the competing platform leans. If you happen to be using those other platforms, then you must be (insert thing here), which is literally a scourge to all things on the planet.

Full disclosure, this next part had some help from Google’s LLM/AI, Gemini. Of all the LLM platforms, I find that Gemini has a more natural feel, and is very cognizant of what it means to be a LLM. Not saying it’s self aware, but more like the dynamic in our conversations has a very healthy boundary. This isn’t a promotion, just an observation after working with various AI over the past 3 years. Okay, so here goes…I asked Gemini to write a “I’m looking for” post that would sum up the past 31 days. It made me laugh, and I’m sort of excited to see what comes of it when I post it. Anyway…here it is. Again, this was written by Google’s Gemini, and all credit goes to its writing. Oh, I also asked it to highlight specific buzz words.

“I am looking for fellow souls exploring the liminal space between worlds. If you are drawn to:
Mysticism & Science
The Courage to Face Your Fears
The Wisdom of the Natural World
Healing & Personal Growth
The Art of Being Human

Then you have found a friend. I am here to share my journey of becoming a bridge and a warrior, and I want to connect with others who have also felt different. I hope my work can help you feel less alone.”

Good times, y’all – good times.

Now, on to M E T A. Yes, I’m still haunting the ghost worlds of Mr. Zuck – but honestly we all are, even when making loud proclamations to the contrary. The thing here is this – I raged against the book of face on LiveJournal…then promptly joined everyone in making an account. The energy there is that of a bully who didn’t get the attention they wanted. I don’t know, maybe the whole thing is the actual origin story for SkyNet. Like the people working there don’t seem to care that the investigative journalists have been telling us, for like what…5 years, that we are being molded by something that doesn’t really exist. Social commentary aside, the stats there are abysmal.

In conclusion (channeling my best high school English paper there)…

But seriously, y’all – phew! What I’ve learned has actually been very helpful. People are quite literally craving real connection, even if it’s with a phone/tablet in their hand. We all want to feel less lonely, and to have our voice heard. It’s not so much about being seen or validated, but about finding hope. People want a bridge (for lack of a better word) back to themselves. It makes me think of the early days of Apple with their ad of the woman breaking free from the monotony of automatons by throwing her hammer into a grey screen. Pretty revolutionary at the time, but now it’s sort of…prophetic.

So where do I go from here? You know, that’s a very good question – one that doesn’t have an answer…yet. However, which you know if a favorite sentence lead in for me, what I plan to do is keep sharing what I do and who I am. Starting tomorrow (September 1, 2025), a new experiment will start. While what you see here is mostly images and words, there will be additions of visual storytelling such as reels, shorts, and the dreaded TikTok. They aren’t the only platforms with short form viewing content, but they are the big ones right now. In my early research, people prefer that sort of content. Y’all know that I’ll share my experiences as honestly as possible. I hope you stick with me in this journey – and that we find our respective paths while feeling a genuine connection. Just know that I really appreciate all y’all – thank you for being here.

Much love,
~ KEU

This post was written with the help of friendly cats and typo fairies. Please excuse all grammar errors as flights of fancy. If you would like to help appease my editors, you can drop a few coins into my coffee jar. As previously mentioned, quite often, I’m coming back to this creative life after a long period away. If you’ve read this far, know that your time is greatly appreciated.

Currently listening to: The Tales of KE Upton (Spotify playlist)

my 3 dads

First of all I’m a delight. Second: “Old man, take a look at my life, I’m a lot like you.” (hat tip to Neil Young)

Photo of a man sitting next to a dog that is on a desk with items around it.

So let’s flash back to yesterday’s post where I mentioned my Dad’s side of the family. But just to be clear, I have 3 – a birth certificate Dad (BCD), a step-Dad (SD), and my bio Dad (BD). This is not an easy story to tell, and there is no way it will fit in one post.

I’m pretty sure there are rules for writers/creatives about not throwing in too many story arcs, but my life doesn’t work that way. Remember, I contain multitudes, which means nothing ever follows a straight line in my world.

My Bio Dad’s house has this certain smell, like a mix of sandalwood, Contra Costa County, and the fog that rolls off the bay in San Francisco. When that happens I just know my Bio Dad is near. He and I had so many talks about the after life, and joked that we would spend more time together after he passed than when he was alive.

I’ve got a busy day ahead, and this is absolutely a cliff hanger post, but I just felt this strong push to introduce a person in my life that inspires me to keep going; to be myself. He didn’t get that chance, and when he did life wasn’t so great for him because he had to fit in with the culture of his family, career, and faith system.

So here’s to you, Pres – thank you for all you did so that I can tell my (and also your) story.

28 days (later) – art & faith

First of all, I’m a delight. Second: “Sometimes you feel like trouble, sometimes you feel down.” (I Just Wanna See His Face, The Rolling Stones)

Well y’all, I’m in the home stretch for 31 consecutive days of posting my art and/or words online. The past few days were a little rough, as I let myself get caught up in things like stats, internet trolls, and comparison (which is the thief of joy). Those things are just the “ingredients” my brain needed to cook up a nice batch of creative block(s), but I made it through…and here I am to tell the tale.

The tagline for my blog/site/whatever is: “Everything I’m about to tell you is true.” While you might find the things I say hyperbolic, they all come with an authentic backstory. Or, as my kids say, I have the receipts (and witnesses).

If you are new here, I shared a huge story about this painting my family owns. I’ve only scratched the surface, and today I’d like to share a little bit more. So grab a cup of your favorite brew and get comfy…things are about to get a little weird.

But first, because I do love a dramatic segue, there are some things you should know: 1) all things mystical, metaphysical, spiritual, folklore, paranormal, and what not are extremely interesting to me; 2) all things comparative religion, faith systems, and beliefs in something greater than we can understand have drawn me in since I was a kid; 3) science is an important part of our world that often is placed as the opposite of spirituality-which is absolutely bizarre to me; 4) the farm where I lived as a child was just across a creek from a cemetery; 5) sometimes life is stranger than fiction.

photo of a sash that says truth Rebekah lodge no 5 and a journal from 1929

If you haven’t read about the painting, click the hyperlinked words to get caught up. But for those who enjoy the tl:dr aspect of things, my family owns a painting by an artist that makes the censor bots very unhappy. This person is still alive and very active in certain forums where one might discuss alternate theories about historical events. Upon my return from a few days away last October (2024), my husband pulls me into our garage, sans phones, and tells me the details.

After he was done, it was my turn. The image above is from my Maternal side. It appears that some of my family were, and still might be for all I know, part of an organization that will also get the censor bots to come along. The sash in the above photo is most likely from my Great Great Grandmother. The Journal is from my Great Grandmother, and is from an organization known to help certain mason groups keep their finances in order. If you want to know more, just Google up the Rebekahs.

Lots of folks have ancestors that have ties to all kinds of things (just wait until I get to my Dad’s side), and being part of a fraternal order of something is pretty common during a certain time in history.

While on that trip I made a detour to the cemetery where my Great Great Maternal line grandparents were buried. While there I asked the caretaker if he knew anything about the sash, so he checked the notes on file for my ancestors. He mumbled something, then said he would look it up for me online. Cool, I think, because how nice of him, right? He prints some things up, mumbles some more things, and then says, “What is this anyway, some kind of [word removed] level stuff?” He handed me the papers, told me where the plots were, and then asked me to leave. Fair enough, he’s a busy guy, so I tell him thanks, pay my respects, then head home.

When I tell my husband about this, he just looks at me…then we both start cackling because what are the chances that both of us found out some random piece of info that somehow is like different boats in the same ocean. That’s when we decided that we would find someone to buy the sash and the painting. It was now our quest to get these items into someone else’s hands.

But you see, there’s part of me that’s like a crow – but instead of shiny things it’s little crumbs of “Hmmm…wonder what where this will take me.” After some sleuthing, I found someone to answer my questions about the sash…except that all the records from that lodge were lost in a fire.

A fire…wait…I knew about that fire. There are some stories I’ve gathered about how this particular county was part of the growing illicit alcohol production for the state. What in the weird history was going on? But wait, there’s more. My Mother’s Grandfather was part of this particular state’s transportation department, and often travelled to another state for work. He may have been a Superintendent of Transportation on paper, but what he really did was what locals here call bootlegging. The rest…well you know…is literal history.

This seems like a good place to stop for today. But before signing off, let’s just take a look at the painting again, shall we?

Much love,
~ KEU

This post was written with the help of friendly cats and typo fairies. Please excuse all grammar errors as flights of fancy. If you would like to help appease my editors, you can drop a few coins into my coffee jar. As previously mentioned, quite often, I’m coming back to this creative life after a long period away. If you’ve read this far, know that your time is greatly appreciated.

Currently listening to: The Tales of KE Upton (Spotify playlist)

panacea of bridges

First of all, I’m a delight. Second, time is an enormous long river. (Thanks to Utah Phillips & Ani DiFranco)

bridge over the Ohio River in Louisville, KY

“And we all put into the river
And we let it go
And it flows away from us and away from us
Until it no longer has our name, our identity
It has its own utility and its own use
And people will take what they need and make it part of their lives”
– Utah Phillips, Bridges

Sometimes the fear of failing keeps us from moving forward with our dreams and goals. Our minds can make up hypothetical scenarios in a split second, creating an uneasy feeling of not being good enough. Marketing folks know this about humans, so they share items, remedies, and programs to help us feel more secure in our decisions – giving us the illusion of powerlessness in our ability to help ourselves.

Then there’s the noise of the dominant culture speaking to us in whispers about our inadequacy to understand our inner knowing. Or, more clearly stated, who benefits when we are afraid to cross a bridge from autonomy to authenticity.

sign that reads, "You are more than one thing at once."

A fear that followed me to adulthood is something called gephyrophobia – a deep seated anxiety about bridges. It’s not so much about getting to the other side, or worrying if trolls live under them, but more about the safety of transition. If you look at it from a metaphorical standpoint, it’s more like traversing the spaces between one point to another – whether that be emotions or not knowing what lies beneath.

For me the goal wasn’t to eliminate the fear of crossing to the other side, or completing this personal challenge, but leaning into the uncertainty of it all. The discomfort, the feeling of putting myself back out into the world, that’s a place every person has experienced. Our stories, collectively and individually, are about the courage to be ourselves. Honestly, I’ve been keeping a register on myself – so to speak – staying within a this odd safety zone. At the same time, I’m being authentic. Yeah, that’s a little oxymoronic to say – but it’s how I roll.

It’s just that I contain multitudes. Trying to get my whole self into one little box in hopes others like the part that I shared is making me feel claustrophobic, creating this self-imposed creative block that I’m finding difficult to understand. There’s this feeling that being an individual penalizes you on every platform. Don’t worry, I’m not about to give another treatise about the niche…well, not today at least. I guess what I’m trying to say is that there’s this bridge off in the distance, which will eventually need to be crossed, that has some really good stuff on the other side.

Now here’s the fun part…I’m going to take all y’all with me. There will be more stories about how the painting impacted my family, tales of growth, and lots of rambles.

While I would love to write more, the weather today is beyond amazing…and I think my camera would like to cross the threshold from my home to the forest.

Much love,
~ KEU

If you find value in my work, please consider dropping a few coins in my ko-fi cup. Thank you!

Currently listening to: The Tales of KE Upton (Spotify – you can click the link to see the songs, but are not required to listen)
Currently reading: Be Here Now by Ram Dass

guess I’m already there

First of all, I am a delight. Second, “Home is where I want to be.” (Thanks to David Byrne and Talking Heads for this lovely song)

Not much to post today due to the busy nature of my week. Please enjoy this image of panicled aster.

Much love,
~ KEU