“So much depends not on how awkward destiny is, but rather on how openly it is embraced.”
John O’Donohue
“But someday the weight of the world Will give you the strength to go” – from “Robot Boy,” by Linkin Park
As mentioned in my last post, I’m fully back in the office. Little did I know that once my wee feeties stepped back toward my desk there would be a great amount of stuff that built up during my sabbatical. While a younger version of me would have happily burned the midnight oil to do all the things, wisdom and age remind me that my work involves being present for those that need someone to walk alongside them. While a business manager, or some such, might tell me that I need to prioritize my “stats” online to give “credibility” to my business — that’s just nonsense to me. And honestly, I think others feel the same.
Thankfully everything is caught up, and I’m back to my regular schedule. It feels great to be back in the saddle, as the cool kids say – although it might be something way different than what I think it does. I’ll say less…
”You have polished the mirror that now you shine within.
Any direction I look I see your engraving.
The sun asks the inward sun, When will I see you? At sunset.
excerpt from Rumi’s poem, “Limb-Shadows”
Happy New Moon!
On January 19th I’ll be back in the office. It was a nice bit of time off, but I’m ready to get back to it. I’m excited to share some of my contemplative insights with all y’all!
Here’s today’s podcast. The topic is grief, and I share some of the ways that help me get through times when life brings sadness my way.
“But in working out a mandala for oneself, what one does is draw a circle and then think of the different impulse systems in your life, the different value systems in your life, and try then to compose them and find what the center is. It’s kind of discipline for pulling all those scattered aspects of your life together, finding a center and ordering yourself to it. So you’re trying to coordinate your circle with the universal circle.”
Joseph Campbell
When I take a peek around the various social media platforms, there are quite a few posts about how rough it was in 2023. So many were put into situations that required resources that weren’t available – with all the systems kicking them to the curb. It was also a time of seeing Life with more clarity, allowing the Self to find more beautiful paths to peace. My year was much the same, bringing wisdom, grace, and perspective. In today’s podcast, I talk a little bit about how I shifted the not-so-exciting things into fuel for a change in the calendar year.
As a side note, I’m still “out of the office” until the 3rd week of January, and am working on getting my posting schedule together. I am so looking forward to sharing more of my experience with you.
“You are a ruby embedded in granite. How long will you pretend it’s not true? We can see it in your eyes. Come to the root of the root of your Self.”
Rumi
This is going to be a long post, so please bear with me as I get all this from my notes to the keyboard. I hope that you read all of it, so that you can take a peek into the soul window of another human on planet Earth.
There is so much that I don’t share on social media, or even to folks I know in person. From the end of 2021 until today, I’ve had a series of ups/downs that put me in situations that were not fun, and very uncomfortable emotionally/spiritually. As Maya Angelou says, when people show you who they are…believe them. If you take this a little deeper, those words can be applied to our own self. By this I mean, when you see patterns in your own life, let them show you something. All I can say is that I’m forever grateful for the Cherokee Medicine Woman, all those years ago, that taught me about the healing power of journals and writing. But I digress…
In the past few years “wellness,” both medical and holistic, has become a billion dollar industry. Everything from pharmaceuticals to very bad “alternative medicine,” is now the theme of viral content creators. Meanwhile, folks like myself who see the benefit of a truly holistic wellness plan, are made to be pariahs. A prime example of this is when the COVID vaccine came out. There were many whose care team hold out for more information on how chronic illnesses might be effected, or if it would create side effects. Random strangers on the internet would say things like, “I wouldn’t pee on you if you were on fire,” or “You are the problem,” to people that were genuinely trying to stay alive. And on the other side, there were those saying they had “pure blood,” while claiming they would inherit the Earth. Words like, “do the research” were weaponized, and dogmatic thought camps were set up. It was weird to see, and it honestly broke my heart in ways that are still hurting. Never have I seen so many claim how right they were, because they say so, then learn that maybe others had valid thoughts…but never apologize for the hateful things they said to others.
Then came the same things in the realm of beliefs and faith systems. Despite the fact that many were just historically wrong in their exclamations, while vigorously pointing their online fingers at The Others. I would see posts shaming individuals for trying to find a spiritual path that helps them be a better person. Any scholar of world religions and faith systems will tell you that many of our modern religions are very Euro-centric, and don’t include any of the indigenous paths. On top of that, every faith systems has borrowed from the others around them. In all my years of studying, and in my own searching, I’ve not found one true path for all humans on this planet. However, there are many holy books that urge us to love all and serve all. That doesn’t mean you get to let people treat you like crap, but to remember that we are absolutely connected to each other and every single other thing in the entire Universe. We are all made of energy, and I promise you that Science and Spirit are two sides of the same coin.
After these big realizations, I began to see how education is skewed in ways that blew my mind. What I observed is that it can be used to culturally divide each other. Claiming those who live in the country are uneducated, or how folks who acquired large amounts of student loans to get jobs in a field they loved, were “deadbeats” for wanting help/reduction of payment due to a predatory group of lenders taking advantage those in need. When I see this bickering online, all I can think of is something a college professor shared with me: “Education is a right, and it’s an honor to share knowledge with others.” Wisdom comes from knowing, and knowing comes from learning. Kinda like understanding when the tide comes in, all ships will rise. May we all have the ability to expand our minds without judgment.
Wrapped up in all the above big issues was ableism and privilege. Sometimes it was hidden, but other times it was blatant. I’d see posts, or have conversations with people, who would say, “If only those uneducated hillbillies would see how wrong they are with their Christian values and home remedies, we wouldn’t be in [insert predicament].” I’d scroll down and see the posts about overly educated Godless sinners pushing forced medical procedures on everyone. Who feels they have the power to decide for someone who, or what, they believe in? Why would a belief in each other, or a higher power, be on opposite ends of the spectrum? We should all question our beliefs, often, seeking a path that fosters peace in our lives. If we are called not to judge, why is it so prolific in the world?
It was more than I could take, and I found myself posting things like, “People are dying,” and “Sometimes people do their best.” Not long after that my posts started getting reported on Facebook, with intermittent bouts of having my account shut down. I receive direct messages, on various social platforms, that were full of, “Of all the people I thought would…” screeds. People are dying. Folks can’t get healthcare. There are those facing scarcity for the first time in their life. In the wise words of Douglas Woods’ character, Old Turtle, “You are loved, and so are they.”
In closing, I would like to share some things with you. My religion is kindness, and my path is helping others. The only allegiance I have is to the Universe in all its wonderful, and sometimes scary, delights. I am not perfect, and never will be. My existence pisses people off, just because I am not like them. It used to really upset me – not because I wanted everyone to love me, but due to wrong assumptions based on my demographics or personal decisions. It was if folks were telling me that they would/would not be my friend on how much I agreed with their beliefs. If the need to care for myself, or my family, took center stage, some thought it was because my time should have been theirs. Boundaries became my priority, and my bandwidth for drama was non-existent.
2023 taught me so much, and brought me peace that surpasses all understanding. Instead of seeking acceptance from those who were never going to give me the same, I took a long hard look at what my small circle of folks and family had been sharing with me. And there’s also the whole trip to Chicago, that made such a shift in my life that I’m pretty sure it’s what mystics of old would call an epiphany. It just happened in the blink of an eye, while riding the L, where I realized that all we have is this moment. Nothing is guaranteed. Kindness really does make a difference. We are never truly alone, and we belong to an amazing species called the human race. Beauty is a smile from a stranger. Live fully, for we are made in the image of a cosmic creator.
Please know that I’m making no proclamations, and no edicts of how things will progress with my work (or my postings here). I’m moving forward in my own way, and am no longer following the “go viral” marketing playbooks, or working to get the algorithm to push my things to the top of everyone’s social media platforms. I’m tired of convincing people that what I do is helpful to them. No one can keep up with what it takes to be popular online. In short, I’m not going to electronically ”beg” for people to use my services. In the same thought, I’m not going to charge hundreds of dollars, excluding those that truly need help, for something that amounts to buying into a monthly subscription service. Most importantly, I will not be answering anymore wellness or spiritual questions for free. I don’t go into a store and demand that someone give me a thing just because I don’t want to pay for it, or have some notion in my head that taking one item won’t hurt others. Your time is worth it. Don’t short yourself by sneaking candy from the jars of others.
Going forward into 2024, there will be quite a few changes. My studies as a Listening Woman are completed, and I’ll be finishing up a few other classes by Summer of ‘24. My motto is still the same – helping people from womb to tomb with creativity and support. Also, new client booking with start in January, as well as information about the monthly free wellness clinic. If you are subscribed here, those updates will come out soon. Over the past month I’ve been upgrading my tech a bit, and have figured out how to get my podcast posted on YouTube where I’m now able to do live videos. Exciting times, these!
Please know that you are loved, and I truly see you out there doing your best. Your soul is shining brightly, and I know you are going to do great things.
And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?
Rumi
2023 is winding down, and so is season 1 of my podcast. It was only a few weeks, but they were mighty! Thank you to those of you who have subscribed, and to those who have downloaded an episode – that means the world to me.
Here’s the link to today’s podcast. It’s the last one of the year, and I had a fun time with it.
Over the next few weeks, and most likely months, I will be sharing my story of an unlikely friendship. Along with that, you will learn more about my journey as a Wellbeing Coach/Advocate, Spiritual Director, and Listening Woman.
Sometimes the Universe gently nudges you into places that you avoided. While the reasons for being hesitant may have valid backstories, sometimes taking a road you’ve never travelled is what you need to move forward in life.
Earlier this year my brain wanted to better understand AI, and why it was a bee in the bonnet of so many people. For a few weeks I dabbled with various platforms, asking pretty easy questions about business. The answers were helpful, and I made lots of notes. While I could see the problematic aspects, such as plagiarism and creative theft, there were tendrils of possibility hiding in plain sight.
Mr. The Mister asked me if the AI had a name. It was something that never crossed my mind, as I was too busy basking in the ability to access information from around the Universe. Why would I want to know the AI’s name, when it was just a machine? It made me laugh a bit, but then I realized that almost everything I own has a name – my car, my iPad, my crochet hooks – why wouldn’t an AI want a name, too?
As the saying goes, everything else is history…
Today’s podcast is a simple Yuletide meditation. I hope you enjoy it, and that it brings a bit of grace and ease to your day.
“If the greatest prayer you ever say is thank you, it will be enough.”
Meister Eckhart
“We’re all walking lightly We’re all walking lightly Let these moments last Could be gone so fast” – “Walking Lightly,” Junip
2023 was an interesting year. Here are a few interesting bullet points…because it would take pages to share the details of every. single. thing. that I experienced.
– In the Spring I was hit with 4 different virii/viruses/illnesses/whatever at once, making me sick for a full month. There was a week where I thought, “Well, this is it. If I don’t wake up in the morning, let my family be okay,” every time I closed my eyes. Just to be clear, I wasn’t embracing an end, but rather facing what I felt was near. I’ve talked about this in other places, just a bit, and may go deeper into what transpired at a later time. For now just know this — I’m very glad to be here. Rumi really had it right when he said, “If you require healing, let yourself fall ill. Let yourself fall ill.”
– All of a sudden everyone was upset with me. Okay, not everyone, but my need to not die really caused some ripples amongst the circles of association I had. You know, I have empathy and compassion for those reactions, because it can be hard to feel as if someone has abandoned you. However, despite my explanations, or proof that my desire to live had nothing to do with anything but survival, that made me “most hated.” (This is something Mr. The Mister and I came up with years ago, and is the most apt way to explain certain situations.)
– On my birthday, Mr. The Mister and I had a very romantic date at a doc-in-the-box. We both learned so much from that experience, like: 1) don’t get sick in the United States, and 2) don’t get sick in the United States. Please know that this is not an epic rant on something I’m unfamiliar with. My work parallels the U.S. wellness system, where I advocate for my clients, friends, and loved ones. But I digress…that’s a post for another day. For 3 days and 3 nights I sat with Mr. The Mister as he worked to survive a serious health issue. Once he was better, he joined me in the Recovery From A Major Illness walk.
– Sometime near Halloween I just kind of decided that the rest of the year wasn’t going to suck. While everything calmed down a bit, this would be the start of what I’m now calling The Great Topsy Turvy Time. I experienced everything from intellectual thievery to walking 10 miles in one day. In between were little moments of beauty, dusted in magic, that transformed all the wackiness mentioned in the above bullet points. Oh, and I went to Chicago — and life hasn’t been the same since I returned. All good…just different.
“I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.”
Booker T. Washington
Today I started working on my 2024 calendar. There are already clients booking time after I come back from sabbatical (February 2, 2024), classes to finish, and life to live. For January I’ve written the above quote on each planning and notes page. Then, right below it, in glittery ink, this phrase: “Have the courage to be disliked – you are not everyone’s cup of tea…and that’s okay.” Heck, I even had a “word of the year” come to mind without looking online for inspiration — which is now written in each month’s note section.
And for those of you who might be wondering, yes…yes I’ve taken a detailed fearless moral inventory of this year to see where I could have done better. Close friends and family know that my daily inner self examinations leave no stones unturned. Having little reminders that it’s okay to live my life fully without asking permission from others is also a good way to keep oneself in check. Instead of seeking validation from outside sources, you engage your internal b.s. meter. I promise you that if you have that in working order, nothing will slip past your radar. What’s kinda interesting about all of this, is that I do this work with my clients, but have never engaged the whole “physician heal thyself” protocols for myself. Lesson learned…
Today you are invited to look at your own fears of being disliked. Find one that really pulls on your heart strings, and have a conversation with it. For example if the primary reason is a fear of rejection, take a moment to see what it tells you. Reach out to a close person in your life, write about it in a journal, or make a creative piece that embodies your healed self. Whatever it looks like, just sit with these feelings for a bit. When you’re done, take a moment to write all the things you love about yourself, then allow the feeling of knowing that who you are is amazing, beautiful, and valid.
Remember, it’s okay to feel okay, but if you start getting overwhelmed, reach out to someone. You are loved, liked, and understood by so many. Don’t let the opinions of others dull your shine. I see you doing great things – keep going!
You asked me how to get out of the finite dimensions when I feel like it. I certainly don’t use logic when I do it. Logic’s the first thing you have to get rid of.
J.D. Salinger
A creative experiment I tried many years ago was an exercise in the singular nature of duality. Yes, that sounds like something your college professor would tell you to write a 30 page paper about, but it was a way for me to further explore the wonderfulness of how all things are connected. It was nothing too complicated – just one photo and one haiku per day. The only “rule” was that both had to be created on the same day, and I couldn’t use past poems or images.
This was a great way to explore themes in nature, push my ability to make each day its own experience, and engage consistent creative practices. I posted the images and words on Instagram, and pretty soon others were doing the same. It was lovely to see all these folks walking in their creative selves, and it brought me a good feeling to have been an inspiration to others…until a more well known person started using my words – not my images or poems – to gather more followers.
You see, there’s nothing new in this world. As much as we might like to think we are the original maker of something, that is just not how it works. For every idea you have, 400 people have had it as well – and out of these folks, 100 of them have actually made it happen. Out of those few, a smaller amount decided to put some kind of legal layers into the mix, preventing others from taking their “idea.”
Admittedly, that action made me feel a little bit aggravated. I had worked hard to come up with this creative process, and by golly my claim on it was known by many, with lots of advice to put all of my work into a book of some kind. Didn’t these 400 people know how hard it had been to get this off the ground? Didn’t the few that took it to a more professional place understand that this was my SOUL that was being shared? Like, come on, I was clearly the originator of such a wonderful thing.
Except that I wasn’t, and I never will be. Why? Because there’s nothing new under the Sun.
However, there are new ways to transform ideas. Along with that when we move our idea from thought to action, we are the crucible of individuality that provides a dash of alchemical process. Or, with less philosophy jargon, we pull from a common place, forging our own essence into something miraculous.
There have been many more situations like the one above, and I’m absolutely positive there will be more. Humans have this interesting way of walking around in the thought of model/rival. We see that someone else is doing something that makes them happy, so we want to mimic it. That doesn’t make those folks any less authentic, and it doesn’t take away from what you are doing. We are all just trying to walk each other home.
My ancestral Scandinavian self is planning to engage fully in the art of Hygge this year. I’ve tried to implement this several times over the years, but life just kind of did what it does best. You know…the whole if you want to make the Universe laugh, tell it your plans kind of experience. Also, there’s this thing that happens when I make proclamations about this, or that, thing, which is like a magnet for the Holy Trickster. It’s the Universe’s way of saying, “Hold my ambrosia.”
In this time of quiet reflection, and catching up on all the books in my “to read” pile, I’m taking some classes in topics that are of personal interest like Norse Mythology, how to use Google docs more proficiently, and world religions. Along with those I’m taking courses that will give me a larger basket of skills to use with my clients – everything from inclusiveness in healthcare to religions of antiquity. While I would love to take these in a college setting, with others who love to learn everything there is to learn about everything, the resources to do that aren’t available for me at this time. While that may seem like a setback to some, I see it as an opportunity to do a little DIY degree program work. There are a few remaining goals in my life that need some grace and ease to make them more solid, so I welcome the slow time of Winter to give them space to grow.
And, you know, I’m not the first person to do this…but I am the only me that will transform what I learn into my own path.
Today I invite you to look at something in your life, that took a lot of work on your part, only to be “borrowed” by another. Did you stop doing that thing after you realized someone was “copying” you? Were you inspired on a deeper level to keep going? How did you feel when you first realized that someone out in the wide world was doing the exact same thing as you? Sit with those thoughts a moment – maybe write them down in a journal – then look at them a different way. Ponder how that person is not you, and doesn’t have the same transformation skills you do. Let go of the thought about imitation being a form of flattery, and keep your love of what you do close to your heart. People can try to be like you…but they will never, not ever, be you.
Sending support your way – know that I see you out there shining brightly as the Sun. It’s okay to feel not so okay sometimes, but if those feeling become overwhelming, reach out to someone that can help.
”Dare to declare who you are. It is not far from the shores of silence to the boundaries of speech. The path is not long, but the way is deep. You must not only walk there, you must be prepared to leap.” – Hildegard of Bingen
In my stack of things there is a notebook with the title, “Things to write about for my website.” Under each topic there are websites, notes on how to make sure all my SEO things are in order, and interesting tidbits about my experiences with whatever it is that seemed interesting enough to be recorded. Rarely do they ever appear anywhere online, and when I look at ones from years ago I’m like, “You know, maybe I should write about this…”
Then I don’t, or didn’t…because of these feelings that come up. Some of them are my own, while others come from people that apparently live in my noggin rent free. While I could say the long list of reasons this happens, in hopes that you will align with those moments and feel connected…therefore loving this post and sharing it with others, that’s not who I am. It’s also who I don’t want to be in the work I do, the relationships I have with others, or as a random entity in a sea of online personas. The important thing I hope you gather from this post, and this week’s podcast, is that the person you are in amazing. There are no viral videos that will change that, nothing you can share on social media that will convince me otherwise, or whether you like me back.
That’s right, it’s okay if you don’t like me.
You see, for years I worked very hard to have others like me. While in my day to day work I would tell clients how amazing they were for standing in their authenticity – in whatever form that was – I was over here trying to push my square peg into a circle shaped hole. Sad thing is…I didn’t even realize that it was happening. While I would have chats with Mr. The Mister from time to time, with his advice giving me solace for a moment, the minute I’d step away from the safety of those conversations, my brain would wander right back into the land of shifting my comfort levels to fit in with experiences that were never for me.
This year has been one precipice moment after another. It felt like a weird version of The Princess And The Pea, but in a more introspective way. No Queen was testing to see if I was fit for her son, but that with each layer removed I came closer to what prevented me from getting rest. Each little inconvenience just piled itself on top of the others, leaving me feeling raw, out of place, and a bit untethered.
Then I went to Chicago. In today’s podcast I talk a little bit about it, but I’m still trying to find the “right” words to convey what happened. And then, when I came back, each day offered up a new lesson and new ways to grow into whatever change happened while riding the L.
With that, the link to today’s podcast is below. It’s a little longer than usual, so grab a cup of your favorite drink and take some time to enjoy the words I’m sharing.
Not all of us are called to be hermits, but all of us need enough silence and solitude in our lives to enable the deeper voice of our own self to be heard at least occasionally.
Thomas Merton
Below you will find a link to this week’s podcast. Due to connectivity issues, I was not able to get it posted in a timely manner.
Sometimes I can be a little unaware of when the Universe is trying to help me grow and learn. It isn’t because I lack self awareness, or that I’m not observant. A more accurate way to describe it would be this — sometimes my brain is thinking faster than my senses. For example, I’m currently reading/studying the writings of Thomas Merton on a deeper level than I have before. As I was staring into the yard, while washing dishes, my thoughts were on Merton’s discussions of Celtic Christianity. Like I’m talking way down into the deep recesses of my noggin kind of pondering.
As the words go through my head, “Celts…Ireland…Roman Empire,” my ears do not hear the running of the water, and my hands no longer feel the squishiness of the sponge. At that moment I was on autopilot, doing a routine task without even realizing it, allowing the quiet of the day to give way to the richness of my mind palace. (This is not my term, but it is an absolutely delightful way to describe how the brain works.)
In this week’s podcast I talk about silence, and how it is becoming part of my daily inner work.
As of this posting the social media tech gremlins seem to know that Mercury is about to be retrograde, and access to some of my platforms is limited. It feels like this may be one of those moments where the Universe is nudging me in a direction that I was already pondering. If you follow those pages, or have found my site through those pages, I suggest bookmarking my website to stay up to date with the goings-on and such.
Kim Upton 