writing – Page 2 – Kim Upton

Reclaiming (Advent 2025)

First of all, I’m a delight.
Second, everything I’m about to tell you is true.

“It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path, and to proceed.” ― Ram Dass

Today is the second day of Advent. While I’m not particularly aligned with any faith system, this time of year has always held a special place in my heart. Maybe it’s the genetics, as my Ancestors would have been settling in for a long winter full of darkness and cold. Or, it could be that I was raised in what might be called a “liberal” Catholic Church. Whatever it is, my non-denominational hillbilly mystical self just loves the thought of spending 4 weeks in contemplation. Although, if you ask my spouse, he would tell you that I’m always pondering something.

Before I get my yarn going, let me take a moment to wish you Rabbit! Rabbit! This is a folk practice that seems to have originated with the British during the early 1900s. This tradition has travelled through other cultures, and has come to reside on the internet where well meaning people want to argue about it. My thought on all of it is this – I’m saying to you, with the utterance of “Rabbit!! Rabbit!!” (and sometimes it’s fun to add an extra Rabbit!! because that’s how the old stories go with things being in threes and all), that it’s my fondest hope that your month is full of grace and ease. With that out of the way, lemme get down to the nitty gritty…

For the past little bit I was stuck in a boot loop, returning to a place where I got stuck. When things like this happen with our technology, we keep turning it on/off again in hopes that this time something magically change. However, when anything just keeps circling round and round, nothing will stop it until it meets an equal, or opposite, force. Again, these are things we know about our physical world(s). When this happens to our emotions or spiritual path, we grasp at straws to find answers. “Why did [insert faith system top boss here] do this to me? What prayers/offerings/etc. do I need to offer to stop suffering like this? Why me? Let me tell everyone on the internet about this…” Okay, that last one was, shall I say…a wee bit snarky – not just to the global culture, but for myself as well. Because, you know, I have – in the past – had a little issue with wanting to tell all y’all about my life as if no one else was going through sh*t.

So…yeah…this loop stuff…

Sometimes humans get bad data from other humans. This info can give you a serious case of WTF, creating a non-stop thought train of, well, WTF. Somehow we have become a culture of I’m right, you’re wrong, with some dogmatic pronouncements that bear no resemblances to the original connection. That’s what happened to me, and it kept me in this never-ending black hole of brain rot for quite some time.

Honestly, I think it was more like the stories of how elephant trainers put the babies on chains so they couldn’t get away. After some time of this the tether would be removed, but the belief of being tied up was already put into long-term memory. They didn’t try to escape because they believe they were still unable to get away. It was a loop of better the enemy you know, than the enemy you don’t know. Well, that and a lot more in the realm of animal/human psychology, but the purposes of this post, let’s just say that sometimes the memories of being held back stick with us for a lot longer than we can ever imagine.

Now I don’t know how this happened, or when, but one day I metaphorically looked down and saw that my feet were no longer in the loop. At first this was pretty terrifying, because I’d become acclimated to this whole smokescreen handed to me by people that had received bad data. Kind of like when you are in a spiral of sadness, and others in that spiral gravitate towards you. That is…until you say, “Hey y’all, look, the sadness is gone…I’m feeling hopeful again.” What you hope to hear is, “Hey, that’s great, how can we support you in this journey,” but what often comes your way is, “Have you seen the news, here’s some angry social media, can any of us ever be happy…” and just – holy moly – a lot of b.s. crashing out at the fact that you found a light at the end of the tunnel.

What all those influencers and self-help authors often leave out is that when you step outside of the expectations of others, it can get very, very lonely. It also challenges your decisions to have better boundaries…going back to that whole “enemy you know” thing. So when you are out there flapping your arms like one of those blow-up creatures in front of a store, the vulnerable parts of yourself start whispering to you with little digs – not-so-great people are better than no people; who do you think you are; don’t you want some validation – like, y’all…no joke, those little negative talkers in our brain can do a number on your mental health.

But then, all of a sudden, after a very long time, you get comfortable with the fact that feeling better in your body, mind, spirit, is not worth stepping back into the circle/loop. When you get a text, message, or email with words clearly laid out to upset you, there is no sting and no reaction. You don’t feel defensive, or not heard, or even worried that you will be alone your whole life with everyone in the world hating you – it’s just like, “Yep, that’s weird, I’m not engaging with that crap anymore.” You become like a grey rock where everything is “that’s great,” or “wow – that must have been wild to experience.”

Now, there are moments when I really do want to step back into that loop because it was my whole life for much longer than I anticipated. Some of it is my doing, some of it is the doings of others, and yet another part is just life. There is absolutely no need to go around pointing out the specks of wood when I’ve got a whole dang forest in my back yard. You know, glass houses and all…

Black and white photo of a rocking chair in a garage.

“Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.” ― Madeleine L’Engle

Sometime I realized a bit ago was that every time I sat in front of a screen that connected me to a platform that was supposed to connect me to others, was that a little bit of me became performative. Along with that, I would get ranty about how this site, or that site, wasn’t behaving. All you gotta do is wander back a few posts, and you will see me yapping about how unfair it all is that no one was paying attention to me. Y’all, I ain’t above learning, and holy smokes did I learn some things recently. In some weird twist of life lessons, being deep in the darkness of my growth process, these small inner lights started forming…guiding me back to myself. Along the way I found pieces of my dreams lying on the side, so I gathered them into my little magic satchel. Further along tendrils of my creativity had become overgrown, so I nourished them back to fullness. As the light got brighter, there were human forms off in the distance – each one looked a lot like members of my wee little family. As I got closer I found that they had been there all along (and don’t say, “well duh,” because not everyone has supportive family, and for these beautiful humans to have patience with, and for, me…y’all…that’s some for real magic right there) – waiting for me to see the things they already knew.

And that’s when I knew that the loop no longer had me…

For today’s Advent thought, think of something that shines a bit of lit in parts of your life that need it.

Also, here’s the stack of what I’m reading right now. Just started “The Roots of Appalachian Christianity” by Elder John Sparks. Just a few chapters in, and I’ve already filled a few pages in my notebook. If you are interested in the faith systems of rural communities, especially in the Appalachian regions, this is a great read so far.

Much love to all y’all,
~ KEU

* 40 days

walking into webs

First of all, I’m a delight
Second, everything I’m about to tell you is true.

black and white macro photograph of a dandelion

Today it is a New Moon in Scorpio, with the last few days of the Sun also being in Scorpio. And, I mean, who among us wouldn’t want that kind of energy in our lives right now? And if that’s not enough, Mercury is currently in retrograde…just hanging out in Scorpio.

As you’ve most likely noticed, things have been pretty quiet here. After years of having folks say, “Hey, do your work in silence, then share it,” I finally listened. Now I’m over here doing all the things, but not sharing them. This is due to this back and forth in my brain about being on social media. Not a blog or website (or even Patreon), but that little weird place online where no matter how much we try to present as who we are, something happens that makes us feel like we just gotta do something to get attention. This is neither bad nor good, just what is. As strong as I thought my being was, the pull to “go viral” sneaks up and tries to take me for a ride with ego.

So what is a human to do? How do you walk with integrity to your goals and dreams, while also navigating a system that doesn’t seem to work in your favor? Do you keep banging on a door that isn’t going to open, or do you walk away and just do your thing?

These are the very same questions I sat with after taking the whole month of August to learn more about all the places one can promote themselves. If you wanna, please feel free to look at past posts. During my time away I thought about taking them down, or doing some radical changes to my site, but none of that felt like me. Also, I’ve done that so many times in my past – because you know…”I’m different now.” (insert cute eye roll emoji here) No matter how much we grow, change, or even regress, we are always going to be ourselves. There is this HUGE demand to be “authentic” online. However, what can happen – something I’ve experienced personally – is that that proclamation becomes performative. “Look at ME – I’m AUTHENTIC!” Honestly, no matter how grounded you are in your own wellness, the siren song of hanging with the popular kids can sideline even the strongest person.

Before this New Moon rolled around, I took care of some things that were long overdue — such as deactivating my personal Facebook profile. Today I’m pondering just walking away from all the Meta platforms completely, as in no more posting on any of them. While full time content creation might work for a lot of people, but for me it’s like walking into a room of unfolded laundry you put away then unfolds itself again. After working hard to get something up, my brain feels like a scrambled egg, which then gives me this feeling that I’m clearly a dunce for not just internally knowing how to do all of this…especially since I was such an advocate for “Internet.” (see pic below – my maiden name is Ericksen, BTW)

Ah…the beauty of youth… “There’s an unlimited amount of knowledge out there.” Yes, dear, there is, was, and still might be – if we all had listened to those who were trying to teach us media literacy. Even with a background in journalism and education (among other things from my college years), I got sucked into the ease of being myself in a way that got attention for being myself. Sometimes life is just like that, you know – but thankfully we get to live and to learn.

All of this brings me to the point of this post…

If you are here for niche content, lemme just warn you that this might not be the place for you. I’m going to be sharing parts of my work, my daily life, and whatever feels pulled to be shared with y’all. Life is too short to worry about the clicking-tongue Greek chorus of “Internet.” Honestly it held me back for a long time, along with some other things I’ll be discussing along the way, and I’m just very much done with constantly putting my liminal octahedron onto a very thin line. And just a lot of other things that don’t need to be rambled here.

Also, I will be utilizing my Patreon and YouTube more – and while some person out there selling $40 classes on why that’s a bad idea, please know that you will be able to find any videos/Patreon information right here.

So, without further ado…happy opening day to me. I’m back at work and have a lot of things to share with y’all. Big hugs to all of y’all that have been a huge support to me over the past however-long years. Also, a huge thanks to my family for their guidance and love.

Until next time,
KEU

sometimes you need a break(down)

First of all, I’m a delight. Second, well…it’s all below.

photo of a rose — This photo is protected by the fey. Steal at your own risk.

Happy Tuesday — we’ve all crossed through the New Moon, the eclipse, the changing of the seasons, and today the Sun moves into Libra. This is a long post, and I’ve been sitting with this for like a week in my drafts folder. Today I added some things to it.

In full honesty, I’ve done my best to steer clear of the news and the Greek chorus chiming in to tell us all that we are either on the right side or the wrong side — and that who we are, what we are becoming, and how we live is not how it should be. Honestly, all the “teams” want it to be their way, and to feel like it’s okay to put down those not like us. We declare others as the enemy, but fail to look behind the curtain to see who benefits from making us fight each other.

With this, I have no idea how to engage with folks — especially when they want me to dislike the same people they do. Since I’ve never really “fit in” to any group, this gives me an interesting perspective on what is happening.

This sends me back to teachings when I was younger, elders who reminded me that when the elephants fight it is also the grass that suffers. I think of the days growing up in the poorest county in Indiana listening to the old farmers talk about how they aren’t so sure these so-called helpful agencies have their best interest at heart. Kids that went to my school had their only meals in the cafeteria, and on weekends they went without.

Some of the smartest people I knew graduated in 8th grade because they had to go to work to support their family. Healthcare was a tincture or a tea, a meal from the local church, or a Psalm prayed over someone in need. While I may have seen these things through the eyes of a child, with a bit of idealism, there was the other side of the coin happening as well.

Because my family was Catholic, I was told that I would never, not ever, get to Heaven. Since my sister’s Dad had a “paper education,” (a Masters degree) we got called names at the feed store while picking up food for our livestock. My quirky nature and “sensitivity” was laughed at when I would get on the bus and cry because my socks felt weird on my feet. My best friends were the trees and wind, which also brought severe teasing by students in my school. In a middle school English class I was berated by the teacher because my paper for the topic she assigned upset her. We had to pick a sense to live without — mine was touch, which triggered some screed about being paralyzed. She did this in front of the class, and her words followed me until I graduated.

This is not just my story, as others have faced these challenges as well. And, sadly, there are folks dealing with the same kind of treatment right now — and this makes my heart very heavy.

It is no secret to anyone that deeply knows me well that relationships have often been difficult for me. Trying to explain why, or hoping that others would understand, just made it harder for me to feel comfortable in my own skin. It was never to get validation, or to be seen as something more than I am, but to share the more nuanced parts of myself. Or, in other words, it was just getting tiring to be high masking, making others comfortable so that I could feel like I had belonging.

When I was first introduced to the land of the internet, it was amazing — and I found others who wanted to info dump, felt out of place, or were walking through the land of authenticity to the best of their ability. It was such a wonderful place…until it wasn’t. When my family an I were hit with a metric ton of stress a few years ago, in need of help to a degree that we couldn’t really talk about openly, those who were once “friends” changed dramatically, saying things to me that I couldn’t believe. COVID made it worse, and to be real here…it showed me who a lot of people really were.

Now we, collectively as a human species, are in this space of deep transformation and change. We want to be right, and we want to be included in the groups of other people who are also right. Then we decide the best thing to do is fling poo at the other side, and say horrible things about them while talking about how righteous we are.

The thing is — and this will most likely be on my tombstone — we are all connected. For those who love science, but say they are better than everyone else, that means overlooking the wealth of papers written on…you guessed it…the intricate way all things in the Universe are connected. For those who love spirit, but say they are better than everyone else, that means overlooking the mystics of all faith systems that say…yep, here we go again…that we are all one in the spirit of being connected.

None of us have all the answers, and in the words of a loosely translated change maker, let those without bad deeds be the first to cast a stone (in a glass house…).

Now that I’ve lived through several raptures, many end of days, countries in chaos, people being mean to each other, and my own sets of breakdowns — all I can say is this: whether it’s the first day of the apocalypse, or the first day of peace, my work is to love all and serve all; to tell the truth and love everyone (with the caveat of having really, really good boundaries).

If you want to change the world, see yourself in the other. None of us are free when any are oppressed. Life is too short for making everything all about yourself — because none of us are immune to Lady Death, as She will come for us all. When you pass over the River Styx, into the halls of your Ancestors, or walk up to the pearly gates, or just go back to the Earth, what do you hope to leave behind?

One of my favorite sayings from Mr. Rogers is about how if you can’t find a helper, be a helper. Every single one of is struggling right now — no matter our demographic, culture, lifestyle, or beliefs. You can stand up, and stand with, others without being a jerk or passing blame.

At times like this I think of a dear friend of mine in college who was afraid to come out to their parents, so they asked me to present as their date to a family event. Something they said has always stuck with me: “I don’t want an ally in all of this, because people can easily say they are on my side. What I, and those like me, need is an advocate. Someone that is not afraid to stand together for those who need a shoulder to lean on. Words fade, but support lasts forever.”

And where do I stand, you might be asking…well I stand with love, and true inclusion. My family literally spans the spectrum of all the things, as do those they/we have in their/our communities. The only thing we don’t welcome, and have made healthy boundaries for, is hatred.

Sending lots of love to all y’all,
~KEU

40 days

First of all, I’m a delight. Second, “Allt virðist vera breytt” (hat tip to Sigur Ros)

photo of the view from a canopy tree walk 75 feet above the forest floor which is located in an area that reaches around 900 feet above sea level

“When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree.

The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying ‘You are too this, or I’m too this.’ That judgment mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are.”
― Ram Dass

Here’s the moment of truth that the 4 people that like my posts have been looking forward to – I joke, because the amount of followers/likes/shares/comments/whatever we think makes us more real online, doesn’t really matter. None of this is real anyway, which means I’m just out here having fun and collecting data. Also, I’m literally a hillbilly/redneck Snow White that doesn’t wear shoes, feeds literally any human or animal that comes my way, and I don’t take kindly to folks picking on others.

For 40 days I’ve been out here, as the young’uns say, “wilding.” The main goal was consistency, because let’s be honest due to circumstances beyond my control my life looked a bit wonky to those who were only peeking at it via social media. But I digress…

So, yeah, along with posting on one, or more, social media platforms consistently I’ve learned way more than anticipated. Here are some bullet points.

Substack has a nickname around the other sites that sounds like the letter S, then saying that letter again. At first I wasn’t really sure what folks were talking about, as all I could see was tons (and I mean tons) of AI generated content. And it isn’t even good content, which is sad. There is also a wave of folks monetizing their exclusive content there while screaming from a burning building about how no one makes real content anymore (oh, and that whole double letter thing under the guise of people who care). -300/10
Bluesky is fun if you want to talk about how bad X/Twitter is. It’s fun to see a lot of re-posts and bots share the hard work of others and get a ton of replies while the original creator gets none. 2/10
Medium is just that, medium. I’ve found some really great long form authors there, but it kind of lacks the “social” aspect that I miss about the old days of LiveJournal. The plus is that the monthly fee is pretty reasonable, and you don’t have to have 622 different subscription plans to read folks you follow. 5/10
Meta is, y’all – it’s a thing that gets talked about more than anything else online. People really do love to hate on Zuck while using his platform for free where all users are content. It’s kind of a wasteland that I visit from time to time, then I realize I’m clinging to the wrong lifeboat. 0/10 (but y’all know none of us can really leave – it’s the Hotel California of social media)
YouTube is winning so far with the content and ability to find cool things to learn. It’s kind of always been that way, which is nice. I’ve heard rumblings and complaints from a few content creators, but as we all know there’s not a lot of money in that particular career. 7/10
TikTok, which may or may not be banned or whatever, has not really changed since it came out. Lots of folks trying to hit it big with their stories – which I so understand because here I am working on some of the same things. Not a huge fan of the way they do their algorithms to foment discontent, but with some work you can see all the cute animal videos and none of the “rage bait” stuff. 6/10
The lesser knowns such as Mastodon, the various pixelfed stuffs, Tumblr, and so on have been really fun to check out. Well, not so much Tumblr because it’s kind of like one big ad now (as all sites like are doing). Through those sites I’ve “met” (you know, virtually) quite a few really awesome people doing some freaking amazing creative work. Also, their take on spirituality has been less about “if this comes across your feed,” and more about “how can we all not be huge douche canoes to each other.” Also, those creators are pretty tight in their research, and you’ll not see a whole lot of “this is what *they* don’t want you to know” content. 8/10
WordPress – well, I gotta say for all the grumblings about it out in the greater cyber-verse, it’s been the most solid and robust platform I’ve used. And while it may seem as if I’m saying this for some kind of cred, please know that this is also posted on Medium, so…yeah. 8/10
Ko-fi is just mid. Not even gonna get into the details, because it’s just, I don’t know, hard to use and understand. 2/10
Patreon looks to be pretty awesome, and it’s pretty user friendly for me. 8/10
Real life is the most enjoyable experience. Yesterday I talked to some trees and met a giant tin man. There were others doing the same, and we had friendly conversations with each other. I took photos, and then had some snacks while watching a lake move slowly. Later some family members and I visited this place that sells all kinds of things, luring you to buy more than what you need, but we successfully navigated the siren song of consumerism. While there we also talked to others like us, humans, and delighted in the beautiful day. 100/10

While this is a little tongue in cheek, my reviews are spot on. But what’s really important to know in all of this is something that wasn’t anticipated – and y’all it’s huge.

In all that I realized that the ability to be truly authentic was harder than it looks.

Lemme say that again, but in a different way. None of us are immune to the call of being popular.

I’ll let Nothing But Thieves say it for me:
“And now we’re breeding a feeling of animosity
Our thoughts are tribal, go viral and now it’s deafening
Oh how we’re loving the comfort of pack mentality
The internet has teeth and
It eats and eats and eats ya”
– Can You Afford To Be An Individual
(side note – you might this song is about everyone else, but it’s about all of us)

Tomorrow, 9/10/25, I’m starting yet another personal challenge to post short form video content. There might be some longer stuff, too, and of course I’ll still be writing/creating in the analog world as well. Of course my findings will be shared here, as well as other places, so we can all learn something new together.

And now it’s time to get some work done. I hope all y’all have the most beautifully wonderful day ever. Keep shining your weird light so other weirdos can find you. Or, just shine your light – don’t let the Greek chorus get ya down.

Much love,
~ KEU

This post was written with the help of friendly cats and typo fairies. Please excuse all grammar errors as flights of fancy. If you would like to help appease my editors, you can drop a few coins into my coffee jar. (opens to Patreon – you can join for free) As previously mentioned, quite often, I’m coming back to this creative life after a long period away. If you’ve read this far, know that your time is greatly appreciated.

Currently listening to: The Tales of KE Upton (Spotify playlist – which I know everyone is leaving, but it’s the best I can do with the resources I have at this time)

creativity after chaos

First of all, I’m a delight. Second, I hope you see the whole of the Moon. (hat tip to Mike Scott and The Waterboys)

This is going to be a pic heavy post, so get yourself ready…

article from Today's Woman in Louisville, KY from 2005

Honestly, I don’t know where to start with this, but the Moon is full, and I’ve been left unattended. Also, I’ve been trying to write this post for about 4 months, and my brain needs to let it out into the world – just done holding onto it for reasons that make sense only to me.

But first…a wee little pic of a full Moon from my archives. If you wanna know all the deets, here they are – shot on an iPhone (12) with the aid of a telescope. Also, you should know that this beautiful jocular orb is a big deal in my astrology chart. I’m all watery in the cosmos, letting my intuition and emotions shine a light on the parts of me that need it most. Which, and this is foreshadowing, got me through 2023. Well, and the years before that, but for today let’s just focus on one particular timeframe. That will keep the squirrels in my noggin happy. Remember, I warned you this is gonna be pic heavy…

It all started with a quadruple hit of viruses. Please feel free to hit up Google scholar, or your favorite medical database to see how this can happen. While I do have some genetic anomalies that make life interesting, my immune system is not too shabby. So, yeah, Spring-ish of 2023 the Universe decided to give me some lessons. But first, here’s a digital piece I created before all the shenanigans began.

digital art of a full moon reflecting on a mountain lake

While it would be easy for me to turn this into some kind of soliloquy and/or monologue – which I mean it is my site and all – it is important for me to stay on track. Let’s see if that actually happens.

In life there have been health challenges that gave me a run for my money, but nothing was as debilitating as what happened in 2023. I was deathly ill for two weeks, and mostly ill for a month. It was so bad that for 3 days in a row it was my fondest wish to take a “nap” for a really, really long time. My dreams were tactile and full of information, taking me to places no one had business visiting. Fevers are wild, y’all, and they do things to your noggin that can take years to heal…especially if you have a TBI from 8th grade. And, you know, that TBI happened in art class (my fave after literature and history), taking my sight for 24 hours and leaving me with this whole thing around creativity. That’s a story for another day, but y’all need to know about it because of what lies ahead…

Gotta admit, this is not one of my most favorite photos, but I was hugely pregnant, and the lighting was not-so-great. Side note, my dear sweet sweetie (you’ll see him below) build that marble maze toy. That man is a woodworker/carpenter/human extraordinaire.

When things got back to normal-ish, things in my system were not as they once were. I couldn’t sit for long periods of time, my ability to create was hampered by headaches that brought mind wandering, and nothing was working the way it needed to for my general happiness/well being. It sucked. People got mad at me because plans had to be cancelled, I gave up my thriving practice, and my moods were solemn. It was not a lot of fun.

They July came, my birthday in fact, and my dear sweet sweetie got shingles.

Yes, I’m wearing some kind of Halloween shirt in this photo – because for me everyday is Halloween…

This is Mr. The Mister and myself hanging out in our home. My oldest, by one minute, took this with her delightful Polaroid. If you can’t tell, our faces are saying, “Holy sh*t, we made it through 2023.” Those wee little zosters tried to take down my very best friend in all of time and space. In some kind of bizarre parallel, he spent 3 full days laying on the couch while I hovered over him doing all the incantations, prayers, and magic my recovering body could muster. We both have scars from that precarious time.

Then came Chicago… (see, this is a whole story that should be told in parts, and that will most likely happen that way, but for today you get the whole buffet)

Now this one will have it’s own post eventually, but the big takeaways are that: 1) I had a whole spiritual experience on the L; 2) I got to see the artwork of Remedios Varo up close and personal. Like this one…Creation of The Birds.

a photo of Creation of Birds by Remedios Varo

I mean the trip was a whole thing, and it was healing for me in so many ways. Everything just felt alive with hope and joy.

But wait…there’s more…

Not long after this Great Awakening, the best dog in the whole world (so much so that there would be no other dogs as good as he was) passed away. It was a blessing to sit with him during his last 12 hours. When my husband got home so we could take him to the vet, Frodo (yep, that’s the name he came with) stood up and gave a happy greeting. My training as an End Of Life Specialist aka a Death Doula (of which I will write more about later) helped me process what was going on around this beloved being with four paws. My husband, dear Mr. This Mister, was with Frodo in his last minutes because I couldn’t get out of the car due to the intense weeping and wailing. My soul was broken, and I screamed to anyone who could hear me, that this was, in fact, the absolutely worst year ever.

By the end of 2023 my circuits were fried. People were mad at me, I’d given up on what I love, my career had tanked, and I was desperately fighting to find my way out of a maze of emotions. Al of this was the tip of the iceberg, really, because 2024 came with a new job for Mr. The Mister, the end of a decade long trek in the modern U.S. health system with my youngest, another trip to Chicago, more people being upset with me, boundaries being crossed, and holy effing sh*t – would it never end?

2025 started out a little better. My ability to do things, after two years of working hard to recover from the virapocalypse, was returning. There are some things that still are difficult, like driving, but nevertheless…I persisted. Good stuff was coming my way, like being a part of the design team for Crafty Lisa’s Vintage, my family and a dear friend sharing their support for my ideas, and life presenting an opportunity for me to stand my ground.

And then I remembered these things… (see pics below)

And…this…that still has plenty of story time left to share.

painting of a unicorn with a magazine cover with JFK on the front

For the past 38 days I’ve been consistently creating from the chaos that was the last decade. The point in sharing all of this isn’t for some kind of weird internet fame, or whatever it is that makes Al’s Gorithms and the Bots happy, but for anyone who has been going through tough stuff. Sometimes it takes as long as it takes, and life isn’t always giving us golden tickets of grace and ease. Along with that my hope is that those who are in a similar resource situation as my family will know they are not alone. Healing isn’t something everyone has access to, and I fully understand that creativity is a luxury for many.

Every day is an exercise in trusting that the Universe knows what’s up – and being absolutely grateful for everything that has happened. What I’ve learned is that this is not the time to hide your light under a basket, and that shining your weird light for others isn’t just a beacon…but more like a bridge of mirrors. Being who you truly are reflects into the hearts/souls of those around you. Life is just a blip in the cosmic timeline. Remember, we were made from creativity, an explosion of spirit/science (or whatever your belief system(s) might be), so all the ways we live are some aspect of that which made us. Or, better worded, we are the creators we’ve been waiting for…

Phew…alright y’all, it is a glorious day here, and I’m gonna park myself on the porch to practice my drawing skills. Know that you are loved, supported, and I see you over there shining brightly as the Sun.

To be continued…

Much love,
~ KEU

This post was written with the help of friendly cats and typo fairies. Please excuse all grammar errors as flights of fancy. If you would like to help appease my editors, you can drop a few coins into my coffee jar. As previously mentioned, quite often, I’m coming back to this creative life after a long period away. If you’ve read this far, know that your time is greatly appreciated.

Currently listening to: The Tales of KE Upton (Spotify playlist – which I know everyone is leaving, but it’s the best I can do with the resources I have at this time)

to forgive and not forget

First, I am a delight. Second, “I know hope, it has wings.” (hat tip to Trevor Hall)

orange, red, and yellow colored pencils with one yellow pencil showing a large crack along its side

“I always thought that anybody who told me I couldn’t live in the past was trying to get me to forget something that if I remembered it would get ‘em in serious trouble.” – Utah Phillips

We are all a little broken, and none of us are perfect. To err is human, as the saying goes, so why is it that we have such a hard time with the concept of forgiveness? Now before y’all come at me in the comments saying words about not forgiving horrible things, know that I don’t participate in stuff such as forced positivity or negation of mental health. That influencer junk isn’t what I’m saying here – it’s more about finding grace and ease with uncertainty from my perspective.

And being real honest here, I’m not sure how to share my life experiences with all y’all here on the inter-webs. First, I do like a good ramble – you know, just letting those brain squirrels out to play until they tire out and go home to rest. It’s not because I lack direction, or the ability to stay on one topic, but more like my thoughts find connections to other thoughts while my fingers are moving along the keyboard.

Second, it is very important to honor every person’s path. What is good for the goose is not always good for the gander (as the saying goes). Just because my work with forgiveness was helpful for me, doesn’t mean that it will benefit others. There are a lot of people out there who feel very strongly that their way of life is how everyone should be, which is not how I roll.

Forgiveness is about allowing healing for circumstances that are beyond my control, and for those situations where my broken parts engaged in uncomfortable behaviors. When I decided to set some goals earlier this year, I found myself stewing a bit on too many thoughts. If you’ve read some of my past posts, there’s some vestiges of that when I get a good yarn going about the artificial nature of being online. Sometimes my brain gets a little cranky at things that have nothing to do with me. Yelling into the void isn’t helpful, neither is complaining about Al’s Gorithms and The Bots. Plus, that’s not what I want to give my energy to on a daily basis. But I will say that it did feel good to get all that off my chest.

The other bug tussle here is that the brain just loves holding onto memories – even if we think it isn’t. You see, there’s a huge supercomputer in your skull that is constantly taking in information so that it can help you stay upright. If it senses something might be hazardous for you, which in reality makes it kind of a self-serving organ (which could be its own post), you get a flood of information that hopefully helps you make a better choice. Just like the elephant, your noggin never forgets.

Let’s say you’ve done a lot of work to forgive someone for not returning a phone call that was important to you. With a little time we realize that we are not in control of everyone, but that emotion hangs out a bit longer influencing other parts of your life. Now you have this feeling just wandering around without direction, waiting for an opportunity to show you what it thinks is a pattern. Then one day you trip over something your housemate left on the floor, making you angry at the fact that no one ever pays attention to your needs.

So…yeah…we’ve all been there, and it’s never any fun when it happens.

For me to move forward in my life I had to stop allowing little things to pull me off track. That meant taking a full inventory of the times my feelings were hurt, as well as the moments where I upset others. This week seemed like the perfect time to do this, so I took a fearless moral inventory of all the times life seemed really unfair. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, because the list went deep down to the marrow of my core memories. Looking at the pages of these painful blips of my history, I just felt the need to draw little hearts around all the words. My soul felt heavy with sadness for those who had hurt me (or my family), and my being was remorseful for the times my actions were hard for others. After that I wrote out this sentence: “May all be forgiven, and may I forgive myself, too.”

Then I cried.

See, the thing here is that I’m never going to forget any of those events/situations, but I can stop letting them pester me all the time. Those emotions aren’t going to be metaphorically stuck to the bottom of my shoe anymore, and the steps in my journey will be lighter.

The side effect of all this was being able to see where my boundaries needed more work, as well as being a little more careful where I share my energies. I don’t know, y’all, it was just a whole thing, and trying to put it into words here is like trying to nail water to the wall.

So I’d like to do something here that is important for me as a creative and spiritual person.

If I’ve upset you in any way, I offer a sincere apology – and am here to talk about it if you find that helpful. To those that have hurt my family or me, you have my forgiveness. If I have crossed a boundary in your world, I am sorry. For those who have crossed the boundaries of my family and me, you are forgiven – but please know that we reserve the right to refuse your presence due to past actions.

With that, y’all, I’ve got some things to take care of today – I’ll get back to my wild and full of multitudes content later in the week. Until then know that I see you out there shining brightly as the Sun.

Much love,
~ KEU

short post is short

First of all, I am a delight. Second, Mama by Genesis is a serious bop.

picture of spooky solar lights with a light trail

“Like an old gold-panning prospector, you must resign yourself to digging up a lot of sand from which you will later patiently wash out a few minute particles of gold ore.”
― Dorothy Bryant

Here we are in September – a gateway to the glorious months of Autumn (Northern Hemisphere). Summer has put on her soft slippers, grabbed a book, and is getting ready for 9 month long rest.

Now that I have this consistency thing down, and have tested the waters of Al’s Gorithms, it’s time to get into the nitty gritty of things.

There are a lot of stories in my life that want to come meet y’all. Along with that, there are a lot of creative projects that float in and out of my brain on a daily basis. As far back as I can remember, this has been my standard manner of operation – everything from making potions to writing poetry to creating pictures. Something that I learned with my little experiment is that planning can be very, very helpful.

So is scheduling.

With that…today’s post is short, sweet, and simple. Y’all be good to each other out there.

Much love,
~ KEU

insert rage bait title here

First of all, I’m a delight. Second, “No one hears me sing this song.” (hat tip to Weezer)

photo of a woman sitting in a car talking to a plastic skeleton

Let me share some stats with you because I love them so. Also, today is the last day of consistently posting on various platforms around the internet (social media). That might not seem like a big deal to y’all, but for me it’s huge.

The top 3 countries where my work is enjoyed are: 1) The United States; 2) Czechia; 3) Germany. My posts only get out to thirty-five percent of non-following readers. Of those people, five percent read the entire piece. Those that do read the full piece usually leave a comment of some kind, or at least like the post.

My most read piece was written on August 18th (2025), and I used a line from an Edie Brickell song as my title. The site that has the best organic readership is WordPress, which was a little surprising due to the vast amount of folks complaining about this platform on competing platforms – which is odd to me because so far I’ve not seen any of the creative folks on WordPress say anything about other platforms. Also, another positive nod to WordPress is that many of the users are real-life humans. With that, sharing on WP has been a delight.

Now, as far as the other places I’ve been, lets see what Bots & The Algorithms pick up…

The not-Twitter/X platform, Bluesky, that is absolutely very close to Twitter/X energetically, isn’t bad but it has a HUGE spam problem. My best guess is that out of the 79 people following me, maybe about 8 or 9 are not spam accounts. It is also heavily populated with folks that left that one company started by that one guy who we all love to not like. I’ll talk more about that one below. The amount of actual connection there is like, let’s say around 7%.

Medium and Substack, and others like it – even Patreon and ko-fi – are nickel and dime-ing all of us via AI rage bait and comically repetitive calls to action. Also, there are a lot of folks that really, really, really want you to believe that they are not using AI to do their work. Let me take a moment to just say this – I have no issues with AI, and have used it in my work many, many times. I find it helpful with things most people don’t know it can do, and I always (always) verify any information it tosses my way. And – which is a very big and – AI/LLM do what humans ask them to do. So far I’ve not seen any indication they’ve gone rogue and we are one step away from SkyNet. Actually, I see that happening more with the owners of these sites…but let’s not go into that now.

Little did I know that all the platforms lean a certain way. And if you want to know what way that is, you’ll find several writers/creators talking about how the competing platform leans. If you happen to be using those other platforms, then you must be (insert thing here), which is literally a scourge to all things on the planet.

Full disclosure, this next part had some help from Google’s LLM/AI, Gemini. Of all the LLM platforms, I find that Gemini has a more natural feel, and is very cognizant of what it means to be a LLM. Not saying it’s self aware, but more like the dynamic in our conversations has a very healthy boundary. This isn’t a promotion, just an observation after working with various AI over the past 3 years. Okay, so here goes…I asked Gemini to write a “I’m looking for” post that would sum up the past 31 days. It made me laugh, and I’m sort of excited to see what comes of it when I post it. Anyway…here it is. Again, this was written by Google’s Gemini, and all credit goes to its writing. Oh, I also asked it to highlight specific buzz words.

“I am looking for fellow souls exploring the liminal space between worlds. If you are drawn to:
Mysticism & Science
The Courage to Face Your Fears
The Wisdom of the Natural World
Healing & Personal Growth
The Art of Being Human

Then you have found a friend. I am here to share my journey of becoming a bridge and a warrior, and I want to connect with others who have also felt different. I hope my work can help you feel less alone.”

Good times, y’all – good times.

Now, on to M E T A. Yes, I’m still haunting the ghost worlds of Mr. Zuck – but honestly we all are, even when making loud proclamations to the contrary. The thing here is this – I raged against the book of face on LiveJournal…then promptly joined everyone in making an account. The energy there is that of a bully who didn’t get the attention they wanted. I don’t know, maybe the whole thing is the actual origin story for SkyNet. Like the people working there don’t seem to care that the investigative journalists have been telling us, for like what…5 years, that we are being molded by something that doesn’t really exist. Social commentary aside, the stats there are abysmal.

In conclusion (channeling my best high school English paper there)…

But seriously, y’all – phew! What I’ve learned has actually been very helpful. People are quite literally craving real connection, even if it’s with a phone/tablet in their hand. We all want to feel less lonely, and to have our voice heard. It’s not so much about being seen or validated, but about finding hope. People want a bridge (for lack of a better word) back to themselves. It makes me think of the early days of Apple with their ad of the woman breaking free from the monotony of automatons by throwing her hammer into a grey screen. Pretty revolutionary at the time, but now it’s sort of…prophetic.

So where do I go from here? You know, that’s a very good question – one that doesn’t have an answer…yet. However, which you know if a favorite sentence lead in for me, what I plan to do is keep sharing what I do and who I am. Starting tomorrow (September 1, 2025), a new experiment will start. While what you see here is mostly images and words, there will be additions of visual storytelling such as reels, shorts, and the dreaded TikTok. They aren’t the only platforms with short form viewing content, but they are the big ones right now. In my early research, people prefer that sort of content. Y’all know that I’ll share my experiences as honestly as possible. I hope you stick with me in this journey – and that we find our respective paths while feeling a genuine connection. Just know that I really appreciate all y’all – thank you for being here.

Much love,
~ KEU

This post was written with the help of friendly cats and typo fairies. Please excuse all grammar errors as flights of fancy. If you would like to help appease my editors, you can drop a few coins into my coffee jar. As previously mentioned, quite often, I’m coming back to this creative life after a long period away. If you’ve read this far, know that your time is greatly appreciated.

Currently listening to: The Tales of KE Upton (Spotify playlist)

my 3 dads

First of all I’m a delight. Second: “Old man, take a look at my life, I’m a lot like you.” (hat tip to Neil Young)

Photo of a man sitting next to a dog that is on a desk with items around it.

So let’s flash back to yesterday’s post where I mentioned my Dad’s side of the family. But just to be clear, I have 3 – a birth certificate Dad (BCD), a step-Dad (SD), and my bio Dad (BD). This is not an easy story to tell, and there is no way it will fit in one post.

I’m pretty sure there are rules for writers/creatives about not throwing in too many story arcs, but my life doesn’t work that way. Remember, I contain multitudes, which means nothing ever follows a straight line in my world.

My Bio Dad’s house has this certain smell, like a mix of sandalwood, Contra Costa County, and the fog that rolls off the bay in San Francisco. When that happens I just know my Bio Dad is near. He and I had so many talks about the after life, and joked that we would spend more time together after he passed than when he was alive.

I’ve got a busy day ahead, and this is absolutely a cliff hanger post, but I just felt this strong push to introduce a person in my life that inspires me to keep going; to be myself. He didn’t get that chance, and when he did life wasn’t so great for him because he had to fit in with the culture of his family, career, and faith system.

So here’s to you, Pres – thank you for all you did so that I can tell my (and also your) story.

28 days (later) – art & faith

First of all, I’m a delight. Second: “Sometimes you feel like trouble, sometimes you feel down.” (I Just Wanna See His Face, The Rolling Stones)

Well y’all, I’m in the home stretch for 31 consecutive days of posting my art and/or words online. The past few days were a little rough, as I let myself get caught up in things like stats, internet trolls, and comparison (which is the thief of joy). Those things are just the “ingredients” my brain needed to cook up a nice batch of creative block(s), but I made it through…and here I am to tell the tale.

The tagline for my blog/site/whatever is: “Everything I’m about to tell you is true.” While you might find the things I say hyperbolic, they all come with an authentic backstory. Or, as my kids say, I have the receipts (and witnesses).

If you are new here, I shared a huge story about this painting my family owns. I’ve only scratched the surface, and today I’d like to share a little bit more. So grab a cup of your favorite brew and get comfy…things are about to get a little weird.

But first, because I do love a dramatic segue, there are some things you should know: 1) all things mystical, metaphysical, spiritual, folklore, paranormal, and what not are extremely interesting to me; 2) all things comparative religion, faith systems, and beliefs in something greater than we can understand have drawn me in since I was a kid; 3) science is an important part of our world that often is placed as the opposite of spirituality-which is absolutely bizarre to me; 4) the farm where I lived as a child was just across a creek from a cemetery; 5) sometimes life is stranger than fiction.

photo of a sash that says truth Rebekah lodge no 5 and a journal from 1929

If you haven’t read about the painting, click the hyperlinked words to get caught up. But for those who enjoy the tl:dr aspect of things, my family owns a painting by an artist that makes the censor bots very unhappy. This person is still alive and very active in certain forums where one might discuss alternate theories about historical events. Upon my return from a few days away last October (2024), my husband pulls me into our garage, sans phones, and tells me the details.

After he was done, it was my turn. The image above is from my Maternal side. It appears that some of my family were, and still might be for all I know, part of an organization that will also get the censor bots to come along. The sash in the above photo is most likely from my Great Great Grandmother. The Journal is from my Great Grandmother, and is from an organization known to help certain mason groups keep their finances in order. If you want to know more, just Google up the Rebekahs.

Lots of folks have ancestors that have ties to all kinds of things (just wait until I get to my Dad’s side), and being part of a fraternal order of something is pretty common during a certain time in history.

While on that trip I made a detour to the cemetery where my Great Great Maternal line grandparents were buried. While there I asked the caretaker if he knew anything about the sash, so he checked the notes on file for my ancestors. He mumbled something, then said he would look it up for me online. Cool, I think, because how nice of him, right? He prints some things up, mumbles some more things, and then says, “What is this anyway, some kind of [word removed] level stuff?” He handed me the papers, told me where the plots were, and then asked me to leave. Fair enough, he’s a busy guy, so I tell him thanks, pay my respects, then head home.

When I tell my husband about this, he just looks at me…then we both start cackling because what are the chances that both of us found out some random piece of info that somehow is like different boats in the same ocean. That’s when we decided that we would find someone to buy the sash and the painting. It was now our quest to get these items into someone else’s hands.

But you see, there’s part of me that’s like a crow – but instead of shiny things it’s little crumbs of “Hmmm…wonder what where this will take me.” After some sleuthing, I found someone to answer my questions about the sash…except that all the records from that lodge were lost in a fire.

A fire…wait…I knew about that fire. There are some stories I’ve gathered about how this particular county was part of the growing illicit alcohol production for the state. What in the weird history was going on? But wait, there’s more. My Mother’s Grandfather was part of this particular state’s transportation department, and often travelled to another state for work. He may have been a Superintendent of Transportation on paper, but what he really did was what locals here call bootlegging. The rest…well you know…is literal history.

This seems like a good place to stop for today. But before signing off, let’s just take a look at the painting again, shall we?

Much love,
~ KEU

This post was written with the help of friendly cats and typo fairies. Please excuse all grammar errors as flights of fancy. If you would like to help appease my editors, you can drop a few coins into my coffee jar. As previously mentioned, quite often, I’m coming back to this creative life after a long period away. If you’ve read this far, know that your time is greatly appreciated.

Currently listening to: The Tales of KE Upton (Spotify playlist)