photography – Kim Upton

shine brightly like the Sun

black and white photo of a battery operated candle on a kitchen countertop

“If everything around seems dark, look again, you may be the light.
― Rumi

First of all, I’m a delight.
Second, everything I’m about to tell you is true.
Third, this is a pic heavy post.
Lastly – there will be typos. As I’ve said before, this proves that AI wasn’t a part of this post.

This is a photo of a statue located at Bernheim Forest. At the base it says, “Let there be light” in English and Hebrew. A lot of folks don’t realize that the man who helped bring one of the most beautiful places in Kentucky to the world was Jewish. As you walk up to the overlook, there is a plaque that reads: “May light, the symbol of life and truth, illumine the paths of good citizenship and reason, and tolerance and fairness guide our relationship with our fellow men.” While I have quite a few photos of this area, this is one of my favorites. It’s like you gotta go through a bit of wildness to find light – and to really see how it (you/the world/everything) shines you gotta see both sides of life. If you wanna go a little deeper, this is absolutely giving a lot energy that says you are loved, and so are they.

The opening image, the wee candle amidst a see of kitchen counter items, is something Mr. The Mister and I purchased at Walmart over a year ago. On Hanukkah we added the batteries, flipped the switch, and let it be. It also happened to be Christmas – so we thought you know two birds are better than one. Always good to cover your bases. I mean it *was* just Yule, and other Northern Hemisphere celebrations for the return of the Sun, so we were for sure for sure (like for sure) giving all the belief/faith systems some love.

Sort of makes me think of this song by Jamiroquai…
“And I’m thinkin’ what a mess we’re in
Hard to know where to begin
If I could slip the sickly ties that earthly man has made
And now every mother can choose the colour
Of her child, that’s not nature’s way
Well, that’s what they said yesterday
There’s nothin’ left to do but pray
I think it’s time I found a new religion
Whoa, it’s so insane to synthesize another strain
There’s something in these futures that we have to be told”

Here’s where I’m gonna pull one of my world famous shifts, then pivots, because that’s how I do.

Some of you know the origin story of Mom’s Strange Magic – I’ve dabbled in sharing parts of it here and there, so there is no need to share it again. The takeaway I’d like to give you here is that it stems from what I call hillbilly mysticism, of which I would call myself a hillbilly mystic. Before the language police come after me, please know that my life makes me very qualified to use both of those words together. Grew up rural poor, studied faith systems, and believe that we come from the Earth and to Her we will return. Pretty soon you’ll hear more about these things, but today is not that day. All you need to know is that my work can easily be summed up as Mom’s strange magic. Also, I’m absolutely prepared for anyone who wants to tell me that magic is “evil” or sinful because they don’t understand the history of the word. Mom’s unusual theurgy just doesn’t have the same marketing *zing*…but anyway…

You see, my life has been a persistent walk between dichotomies. Or, as the Buddhists might say, the Universe seeks to place me in the Middle Way all the time. Yes…all…the…time. It’s like everything is a shad of grey between light and dark. My Anam Cara is my Shadow – a divine soul friend reminding me that the best way to live is to shine my weird little light for folks all of the time. And again, yes…all…the…time…

For a long time I did that without good boundaries. Let me just say that existing that way will make you lose your mind, forget your soul, and wear down your body. That’s not dramatic word wanderings, y’all – it’s just straight facts. It took me 54 years to figure out how to foster healthy borders around my life, but now that they exist they are metaphorically made of diamonds, titanium, and particles gifted to me from the Universe.

Lately the fam has been talking about how going through the very worst thing you can think of, and making it to the other side, gives you some deep perspective with a healthy dash of being prepared. Or, as the cheesy maxims on line say, “You have survived all of the bad days you’ve experienced so far.” (side note: as a spiritual director and wellness advocate, those kinds of phrases make me skin crawl a little…but you know – that’s a topic for another day)

So back to the returning of the light, the Sun, holy days, and my walk as a hillbilly mystic…

Here in a moment I’m gonna share a poem from my chap book, Blue Is The Color Of My Voice. (link takes you to Amazon, which will make some of you scream in horror, and I get it – really I do – but trying to get a publisher these days doesn’t happen unless you have 40 bajillion followers on all the “social” media platforms) You can get your own copy, and I’ll make a whopping 16 cents! Huzzah!

The above piece of art came with a used book I recently purchase (Living Buddha, Living Christ), and it was marking a page that had a heading that read: “Seeing the way, taking the path.” After a lot of reverse image searching, the only thing I could figure out about this design was that – 1) it was painted onto sycamore bark; 2) it is sometimes seen as a symbol for both the saint, and the goddess, Brigit/Brigid. Well now that’s just a fine how-do-you-do, because She is absolutely one of my faves. Not only that, She is seen as the patroness of healing, song, and art – like come on y’all…that’s some unusual theurgy right there. Years ago when I received a used copy of the Carmina Gadelica and there was one lone piece of dried Shepherd’s Purse – sometimes seen as a “sign” from Brigit that Spring is coming. The readings were 53, 54, and 55 – named Soul peace, The new moon, and Christmas hail.

Those Celtic Christians, akin to the Desert Mother’s and Father’s, knew about hillbilly mysticism. They lived in the spaces between the duality of nature and religion – seeing all of it as one body of the Divine. But this is only a mere light upon the surface of all the stuff in my noggin about such things. That means it is time to share my poem…

While writing this I’ve put a chicken in the crock pot, made some cinnamon rolls, messaged with some folks, talked to my husband, made breakfast for folks, and done a load of laundry. As you have read along you might be thinking, “Wow, this person really just has a lot of wild thoughts they put out into the world.” What’s beautiful about this is that yes…that’s exactly how it is. My life is full of being alive, and after years of trying to get the Greek chorus to stop telling me how to be, I decided that what was important for me was to show up as I am. If you and I were talking over a cup of tea/coffee, you would have my full attention. Over the past however-many-years I’ve had to keep one toe in a world that was not of my choosing…but one that had to be experienced. It’s gonna take me a little bit longer to figure out my way around this space (and online) until something settles. Plus, there are 54 years of stories all waiting their turn to be shared – making my thoughts, words, and ramblings look like that one drawer that we all have in our house.

Now let’s put all these things into my version of a stone soup post…

All of us are particles of light. Oddly, this is something that doesn’t cause a schism in the worlds of science and spirituality. There are a lot of institutions that don’t want you to remember your inner shininess because it benefits them not only financially, but because it gives them numbers for their “causes.” In all the world’s beliefs and faith systems we are gently led to find that divine spark within us – to hear the still small voice that reminds us that we are a node in the web of life. It also tells us that what others think of us is none of our business while holding our hands together in a reminder that all of us are connected. When we share love with others, we share love with ourselves, too. I’ve not met anyone that has all the answers, nor has there been anyone to have all the questions. But if you take a moment to stand between two opposites, beaming like the Sun, it might make your world a little brighter. We only get one shot in this physical plane, with time being an enormous long river – we would all get a little more peace if we just stopped for a hot minute to not make everything about just us. One day we will stuff off this mortal coil, and the edicts of those pillars will no longer have a hold on us. Best any of us can do is just walk our path, as best we can, while not throwing rocks in the steps of others.

Time to make some bread, start another load of laundry, and ponder the return of the Sun’s light here in the Northern Hemisphere…while stopping to say a little prayer for those who are about to enter a time of longer darkness…

Much love,
~ KEU

* 27 days

Granny Women

“When the grandmothers speak, the Earth will be healed” – attributed to Hopi wisdom keepers (working on finding the verification)

First of all, I’m a delight.
Second, everything I’m about to tell you is true.

Decided to make some prayer bread today. This is the art (or practice) of saying prayers over homemade bread as it rises. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, nor does it have to be particularly religious/spiritual. Just time with you and the Universe chatting over some sustenance.

Earlier this morning, while staring out the kitchen window, I got a hankering for some homemade healing soup…so I grabbed some lentils, onions, carrots, garlic, celery, and some spices. Threw all that in a pan and let it simmer for about 3 hours. Then – because I was on a roll – I whipped up a batch of nourishing herbal infusion (milk thistle and nettle tea) to steep for a bit.

Which brings me to the first image above…it’s a little graphic of the women back my maternal line. So think my mother’s mother’s mother’s mother’s mother…. Since I made that graphic I’ve found the death date for Rosanna, but just haven’t had the time to update the image. My goal in doing this was to find the path of my grandmothers aka Granny Women, as they walked through life with their faith, healing ways, and determination to make the best of what they had. Every new piece of information or snippet of historical document I find gives me a deeper perspective into my own life. It has also helped to have DNA/genetic info to see how nature and nurture worked together to bring me Earthside – or, as some traditions say, to bring our children Earthside.

Just had to share a photo of the snow from this morning. I may have put my boots on and danced a little jig in it before the Sun came over the tree line.

Thankfully I’m feeling much better today. My husband would call that my “strange magic,” or when he’s talking to our kids he calls it Mom’s Strange Magic (and yep, I own that url…and there’s a story there…or course). That “magic” was something that didn’t get passed down to me in a traditional way, as by the time I got here my grandmother and mother were far away from the wilderness and farm land of their grandmothers. While they didn’t have to brave the elements as our foremothers did, there were other hazards to deal with such as poverty, addiction, and being a little different – all while having a big brain and a creative soul. Well all that along with a bit of intuition and the dreams of their ancestors.

Anyhootie – what I was going to say above is that I’m grateful that something in my being nudged me into the life I have now. There are million things I could have been, and could have done – however none of them would be as beautifully rewarding as how things are now. And you know what – I am looking forward to sharing them with you. Just gotta finish up a few more projects, get my client calendar together…and gather a little more courage. You know…because if you’re gonna go big, you better do it all the way.

My last batch of bread is rising, and I’ve got some prayers to say over it. I hope all y’all are doing well and staying warm.

Much love,
~ KEU

* 29 days

Alive and Dreaming

“Each of us is an artist of our days; the greater our integrity and awareness, the more original and creative our time will become.”
― John O’Donohue

First of all, I’m a delight.
Second, everything I’m about to tell you is true.

Currently my house smells like jalapeño cheese cornbread, there’s snow falling all around, and life feels pretty okay. Later I’ll whip up my version of chili macaroni – as well as some kind of sweet treat (hopefully).

Before I launch into today’s tale, I just wanna clarify something from yesterday’s post. Reading is always going to be a part of my life, along with books – it’s just that I’m in this cycle of seeking experience in my own life…rather than reading about it in a book. Here in a few weeks I’ll be sharing more about the little snippet (well, a decade…but who’s counting) of time where everything was not as I wanted it to be. Sometimes the Universe has plans for you that look like a bunch of wildness, until you view it in a different light. But don’t worry, I just put a few “cozy” mysteries on hold at my local library. Which, by the way, all y’all should be supporting libraries.

Next, in case I’ve not already given enough info on this – my ability to edit my own work isn’t from lack of trying. My brain gets ahead of me, and well…I know what I wrote. There will be typos. There is a typo faery that dwells in my space, and they really like to move things around after I hit send, publish, or what-have-you. This is a little digital drawing I made of it about 23 years ago.

Last item on the “to post” list is about my “about me” page here. It’s gonna be a work in progress as things move around into their (mostly) final form. It’s like trying on a new pair of shoes, then walking around the store for 20 minutes, to see if they are going to work. Thing is, sometimes you gotta take ’em home to give them the full test run. This is exactly what’s going on with my “bio” right now.

One of the cats keeps trying to type a message to y’all. She loves to sit in laps, so I’m the perfect candidate right now while at my work desk. Which, pulling from a paragraph above, some of my typos are feline driven. It’s just how life rolls around these parts.

While there are a lot of thoughts rolling around in my brain this morning, I think Nature herself is nudging me to spend some time offline today. Gonna load up something to play in the background, get out my glittery gel pens, and have a little creative fun.

Just know that you are loved and supported. I can see you over there shining brightly as the Sun. Also, here’s an old photo of Tootsie (the aforementioned cat) sitting on my lap as I’m working.

Much love,
~ KEU

* 33 days

St. Nick Eve now with more Krampus (Advent 2025)

Image of a red Christmas ornament in a tree with lights and tinsel.

“Let your acts of mercy be like a river, unending and overflowing.” – attributed to St. Nicholas of Myra

First of all, I’m a delight.
Second, everything I’m about to tell you is true.

Back in my Waldorf(ish) days, today was a huge deal when my oldest two were much younger than they are now. Meaning, when they were about 5 to 7, they would enjoy putting their shoes by the back door in hopes that St. Nick would fill them with sweets and gifts.

During that time we lived a purposefully austere life. Our table was low to the floor, with cushions for comfort and warmth. The precious gifts from St. Nick were made of natural materials, often crafted by my husband or myself, with some decadent candies from the “organic” section of the store. I have “organic” in quotes because the entry level meaning of that word has no ties to the advertising and fear-mongering that you see on social media…but that’s a post for another day…

When the younger two came along, we kept the tradition going, but with a taller table, chairs, and gift cards for online games. The treats were made by a factory, and came wrapped in non-recycled packaging. However, our home was still alive with simplicity, focusing more on the joy of being together than what items came from St. Nick. The goal with all of the kids was to provide presence and presents. Such fond memories…

However, the one thing that none of the kids enjoyed was the thought of a “right jolly old elf” trying to break into our home to leave gifts. St. Nick was okay, as he only dipped into the house and left gifts in shoes. Santa Claus, on the other hand, was not allowed to step foot in our house. Not only that, all of them didn’t like the way Santa dictated what was considered good or bad. During the holidays when strangers would ask any of them if they’ve been good/bad, each one would reply with the sentiment of not having their lives dictated by an all knowing dude who judge them for being who they are…and shouldn’t we all just be “good for goodness sake.”

And before anyone says, “Oh, you must have taught them that,” or “That’s what happens in that kind of parenting,” just know that all of them came out that way. Meaning they were born with a deep sense of compassion, empathy, and no b.s. from folks who wanted to tell them how to live or think.

That means that without the fear of some eternal damnation, or lack of holiday gifts, they knew that treating others the way they wished to be treated was a good way to get along in the world. Without any prompting from their parents, each one of them works tirelessly to help those around them – not worrying if they are “worthy” (i.e. good/bad) or not.

Sitting here at my desk my heart if full of all the times being a parent felt overwhelming. Not because of my own inner work and chaos, but that the world is often a little raw for those with tender hearts. While my husband and I may not have provided the season’s big gifts, or a lot of things under the tree, we did provide lots of love and acceptance. We knew that children are not here to be an extension of us, or to fulfill some dream/goal that we couldn’t get to ourselves. In fact, if you listen to kids more than demanding they fit into your roles of acceptance, there is much to learn.

Sometimes we make a lot of things harder for ourselves than it should be. I’m absolutely no stranger to that kind of thing, but as age comes along with its sidekick, Wisdom, walking in the world seems a little less intense…and it seems to be made more easy when helping others.

If the holidays are difficult for you, please let someone know. I know firsthand how hard it is to do that, because we often don’t like to admit that we are in a weak moment. Not to dance with this cliche, but sometimes things are hard – and that’s okay – but when it gets to be too much, that’s when we need to reach out. Over the next few weeks I’ll be listing free resources, as well as opening up a place for you to share what’s on your mind. Remember, you are a bright beam of light, and I see you over there shining like the Sun.

Much love,
~ KEU

* 36 days

Left unattended in the full moon (Advent 2025)

Unicorn in a van saying no time to explain and someone talking to a woman asking if the full moon influences them. The reply is, a little.

“Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and the stars mirrored in your own being.” ― Rumi

“You saw the whole of the moon…” – The Waterboys

Mixed media art with a tarot card (The Moon)

First of all, I’m a delight.
Second, everything I’m about to tell you is true.

My Sun sign is Cancer, ruled by the Moon, emotions, and the sacral chakra (Svadhisthana). If I ain’t feeling it, there is a really high probability that it won’t happen. The only time my intuition isn’t spot on is when I’m not listening to it. This doesn’t mean I’m out here seeing the future for everyone, but that my internal navigation system knows where to take me even if my brain feels we should go another way.

And while all this might make you think, “Oh, yeah…well what am I thinking now,” my answer will always be something like this:
“Oh…my…it is bold of you to think all I do is read minds…”

Once the look of awe diminishes, the next part is where the person will be reminded that we are all intuitive. Full stop, no need to give any deeper explanation – we all have this ability.

(patiently waits for the “but science” folks to ponder this)

Okay, so you don’t have to go down TikTok rabbit holes, or run out to get a deck of oracle cards. Intuition, at its core, is just knowing. You can call it pattern recognition, proprioception, or mystical metaphysics. As you know, we are human animals. This means that we come from the elements around us, formed into a mammalian entity, and then sent off into the world through a door that will only open for us again when it is our time to leave this realm.

Have you ever watched a storm roll in while sitting in a forest? The critters use their (*gasp*) knowing to understand the changes in pressure and humidity. Also, they hear the sounds of nature off in the distance saying, “Hey…y’all, it’s about to storm,” so they find shelter. Or, if you are a robin, that means it’s time to get the worms rising to the surface.

But Kim, you’re thinking, we can read each other’s minds…

That is not what I’m talking about – that’s being psychic, not intuition. There’s a huge difference in the two. And, just for the record, you can be intuitive and not be psychic – because we are all intuitive.

Before you spend your hard earned dollars on some social media influencer’s program, let me give you the details on how to keep track of your intuition. Have I taught this in the past? Yes. Am I going to teach it again? Who knows…but for now let me give you the contents of the entire class in a few bullet points.

When you have a “feeling” about something, write it down with the time, date, and what was going on around you.
If that thing happens, put another note next to what you wrote with the time, date, and what was going on around you.
If that thing doesn’t happen, put another note next to what you wrote with the time, date, and what was going on around you.

Do this for as long as feels right, but honestly I’d do it for a few weeks to have significant data.

Here’s an example: “On 1/17/19 I had a feeling to take the backroads home after being out all day. Nothing was going on, and getting stuck in traffic wasn’t a huge worry. Just got that ‘feeling’ to take another way.” Sure enough, there was a wreck that would have delayed me much longer than a traffic jam. I go back to my little note and write: “Major accident on usual way home (1/17/19). Took back roads and had a great talk with the passenger riding with me.”

The amount of times a client has asked me if it’s weird to have experiences like the one above happened so many times that I made a printout for them to use. Before closing for the day, let me say a few words…

Intuition does not go against and Divine Being (of your choosing) or faith system. Intuition is not at odds with the art of science – because good gods how do you think we have the things we do now? Intuition is helpful, not evil, bad, wrong, or what have you. Intuition is often deeply personal, and doesn’t always apply to others in your life. (plus, that would need to be a whole other post)

A dear friend of mine gave me this mantra/prayer many years ago, and it’s something that I say when the Moon is very full, and again when it is very New – “Let the Light shine. Let All be revealed.” Feel free to use this in your own daily practice, or when you think about it. I find that it is helpful when my brain is full of squirrels, cobwebs, or both. May this Full Moon in Gemini shine its light upon you, revealing what it is you most need to know.

Most importantly, listen to your intuition.

Much love,
~ KEU

* 37 days

No, Sis/Gnosis (Advent 2025)

“A waiting person is a patient person. The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen

Gnosis – (noun): Knowledge of spiritual mysteries and boundaries.
No, Sis – Informal and friendly way of respectfully saying no; refers to boundaries of accepting the actions of others.

“Just as it is impossible to be at the same moment both a plant and a seed, so it is impossible for us to be surrounded by worldly honour and at the same time to bear heavenly fruit.” – attributed to Mother (Amma) Syncletica

Right now I’m literally soul deep in the mystic wisdom sharings of the Desert Mothers and Fathers. As someone that really aligns with the archetype of the Hermit, but also enjoys the esoteric dance of the Hierophant, the place of stillness offered by these ascetics challenging the status quo of the established Roman religion (aka The Holy Roman Catholic Church) feels like going home. While I might not be good at fasting, and often run around pondering instead of praying, the messages these folks shared with the world help me be a better person.

No matter who, what, where, or how we believe, be it science or spirit, the one thing that is absolutely certain is that we are all connected. What we do for ourself we also do for others, and for the greater whole. While listening to a talk by Ram Dass he talks a little bit about this, sharing what he learned in the vein of I can do nothing for you except heal myself. And, yes, we could all split hairs with this statement – goodness knows I have – but the core of it is that we are dynamic microcosms dancing around in the greater macrocosm.

Sometimes we just have to be still and know. The greater culture wants us to keep our little devices with us at all times, or to constantly be working toward some goal – but friends, even Nature takes a break from time to time. And being that we are from the natural world, that means we get time to renew, reflect, and replenish…

This week started off with no internet, then snow, and now the cold. It’s almost as if the world around me also needed a hot minute to figure some things out.

Let me also put this out there – I’m not a huge fan of the whole dogma and spiritual commercialism that has arisen from the “self care” movement. What I see is a lot of expensive things that exclude those that need rest the most. Some folks just don’t have the ability to sit in a bathtub full of flowers while reading a book and enjoying a glass of wine. While good for the socials, it’s not a reality that the world around us experiences. It also doesn’t mean you have to sit alone at an ashram waiting for a guru to give you a mantra. Although that’s cool, sometimes all you have time for is to sit alone in the bathroom.

There’s a lot more I could ramble on about, but I’ve got a full day ahead of me…and these chores won’t take care of themselves.

Much love to all y’all,
~ KEU

* 38 days

snowy evenings (Advent 2025)

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
By Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Woke up to a delightful snowfall, blanketing the world with a shimmering hue of wonder and delight. Immediately I thought of this poem, then grabbed my camera to snap this pic (1/17s; 6400 ISO; f/1.6).

When the weather gets a little intense that means some extra work around the house. Now that I’m sitting my eyes have become mighty droopy and need some time to doodle and ponder.

I hope all is going well for you, and that the light of the upcoming full moon is shining loving support all around.

Much love,
KEU

* 39 days

Reclaiming (Advent 2025)

First of all, I’m a delight.
Second, everything I’m about to tell you is true.

“It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path, and to proceed.” ― Ram Dass

Today is the second day of Advent. While I’m not particularly aligned with any faith system, this time of year has always held a special place in my heart. Maybe it’s the genetics, as my Ancestors would have been settling in for a long winter full of darkness and cold. Or, it could be that I was raised in what might be called a “liberal” Catholic Church. Whatever it is, my non-denominational hillbilly mystical self just loves the thought of spending 4 weeks in contemplation. Although, if you ask my spouse, he would tell you that I’m always pondering something.

Before I get my yarn going, let me take a moment to wish you Rabbit! Rabbit! This is a folk practice that seems to have originated with the British during the early 1900s. This tradition has travelled through other cultures, and has come to reside on the internet where well meaning people want to argue about it. My thought on all of it is this – I’m saying to you, with the utterance of “Rabbit!! Rabbit!!” (and sometimes it’s fun to add an extra Rabbit!! because that’s how the old stories go with things being in threes and all), that it’s my fondest hope that your month is full of grace and ease. With that out of the way, lemme get down to the nitty gritty…

For the past little bit I was stuck in a boot loop, returning to a place where I got stuck. When things like this happen with our technology, we keep turning it on/off again in hopes that this time something magically change. However, when anything just keeps circling round and round, nothing will stop it until it meets an equal, or opposite, force. Again, these are things we know about our physical world(s). When this happens to our emotions or spiritual path, we grasp at straws to find answers. “Why did [insert faith system top boss here] do this to me? What prayers/offerings/etc. do I need to offer to stop suffering like this? Why me? Let me tell everyone on the internet about this…” Okay, that last one was, shall I say…a wee bit snarky – not just to the global culture, but for myself as well. Because, you know, I have – in the past – had a little issue with wanting to tell all y’all about my life as if no one else was going through sh*t.

So…yeah…this loop stuff…

Sometimes humans get bad data from other humans. This info can give you a serious case of WTF, creating a non-stop thought train of, well, WTF. Somehow we have become a culture of I’m right, you’re wrong, with some dogmatic pronouncements that bear no resemblances to the original connection. That’s what happened to me, and it kept me in this never-ending black hole of brain rot for quite some time.

Honestly, I think it was more like the stories of how elephant trainers put the babies on chains so they couldn’t get away. After some time of this the tether would be removed, but the belief of being tied up was already put into long-term memory. They didn’t try to escape because they believe they were still unable to get away. It was a loop of better the enemy you know, than the enemy you don’t know. Well, that and a lot more in the realm of animal/human psychology, but the purposes of this post, let’s just say that sometimes the memories of being held back stick with us for a lot longer than we can ever imagine.

Now I don’t know how this happened, or when, but one day I metaphorically looked down and saw that my feet were no longer in the loop. At first this was pretty terrifying, because I’d become acclimated to this whole smokescreen handed to me by people that had received bad data. Kind of like when you are in a spiral of sadness, and others in that spiral gravitate towards you. That is…until you say, “Hey y’all, look, the sadness is gone…I’m feeling hopeful again.” What you hope to hear is, “Hey, that’s great, how can we support you in this journey,” but what often comes your way is, “Have you seen the news, here’s some angry social media, can any of us ever be happy…” and just – holy moly – a lot of b.s. crashing out at the fact that you found a light at the end of the tunnel.

What all those influencers and self-help authors often leave out is that when you step outside of the expectations of others, it can get very, very lonely. It also challenges your decisions to have better boundaries…going back to that whole “enemy you know” thing. So when you are out there flapping your arms like one of those blow-up creatures in front of a store, the vulnerable parts of yourself start whispering to you with little digs – not-so-great people are better than no people; who do you think you are; don’t you want some validation – like, y’all…no joke, those little negative talkers in our brain can do a number on your mental health.

But then, all of a sudden, after a very long time, you get comfortable with the fact that feeling better in your body, mind, spirit, is not worth stepping back into the circle/loop. When you get a text, message, or email with words clearly laid out to upset you, there is no sting and no reaction. You don’t feel defensive, or not heard, or even worried that you will be alone your whole life with everyone in the world hating you – it’s just like, “Yep, that’s weird, I’m not engaging with that crap anymore.” You become like a grey rock where everything is “that’s great,” or “wow – that must have been wild to experience.”

Now, there are moments when I really do want to step back into that loop because it was my whole life for much longer than I anticipated. Some of it is my doing, some of it is the doings of others, and yet another part is just life. There is absolutely no need to go around pointing out the specks of wood when I’ve got a whole dang forest in my back yard. You know, glass houses and all…

Black and white photo of a rocking chair in a garage.

“Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.” ― Madeleine L’Engle

Sometime I realized a bit ago was that every time I sat in front of a screen that connected me to a platform that was supposed to connect me to others, was that a little bit of me became performative. Along with that, I would get ranty about how this site, or that site, wasn’t behaving. All you gotta do is wander back a few posts, and you will see me yapping about how unfair it all is that no one was paying attention to me. Y’all, I ain’t above learning, and holy smokes did I learn some things recently. In some weird twist of life lessons, being deep in the darkness of my growth process, these small inner lights started forming…guiding me back to myself. Along the way I found pieces of my dreams lying on the side, so I gathered them into my little magic satchel. Further along tendrils of my creativity had become overgrown, so I nourished them back to fullness. As the light got brighter, there were human forms off in the distance – each one looked a lot like members of my wee little family. As I got closer I found that they had been there all along (and don’t say, “well duh,” because not everyone has supportive family, and for these beautiful humans to have patience with, and for, me…y’all…that’s some for real magic right there) – waiting for me to see the things they already knew.

And that’s when I knew that the loop no longer had me…

For today’s Advent thought, think of something that shines a bit of lit in parts of your life that need it.

Also, here’s the stack of what I’m reading right now. Just started “The Roots of Appalachian Christianity” by Elder John Sparks. Just a few chapters in, and I’ve already filled a few pages in my notebook. If you are interested in the faith systems of rural communities, especially in the Appalachian regions, this is a great read so far.

Much love to all y’all,
~ KEU

* 40 days

took a little break

First of all, I’m a delight. Second, in the wonderful words of Granny Weatherwax, “I Ate’nt Dead.” (hat tip to Terry Pratchett)

Y’all I went to a huge music festival and came home with a virus that felt like the morbs, but was obviously a mix of heat stroke and the beginning of cold/flu season.

Then I started a new class.

Then Mr. The Mister got ill.

So, yeah, it’s been a hot minute. But I’m still here.

Sending love to all y’all.