First of all, I’m a delight. Second, I don’t do niche content due to my love of both dillying and dallying. Thirdly, all grammar errors/typos are purely intentional due to the myriad typo faeries living in my laptop. Now that you know this, please carry on reading.
Everything I’m about to tell you is true.
It’s my birthday week. This happens every year in my birthday month – shocking, I know, but that’s just how life is sometimes.
One thing you should know about me is that I am a prayerful person. Not the dry and dusty prayers for the big three (money, love, health), but the kind that get down into the marrow of my being in a way that makes me believe that grace still exists in the world. Sometimes when I’m feeling a bit cheeky, or just want to experience a bit of delight, I’ll pose a question to the Universe that sounds a little like this: “Oh for the love of all things, can we please stop walking in circles?!?!?!” Other times my prayers sound like whining, proclaiming the doom, despair, and agony on me (“if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all…”). Then there’s the happy medium that is full of gratitude for all that life has share with me.
So, yeah, now you know one of my biggest life secrets — I talk to something greater than any of us can understand. While scholars and spiritual folks duke it out online over what I’m about to say, their squabbles are not mine to monitor. The beauty of being human is seen in the wisdom of Old Turtle that reminds us that we are all loved (hat tip to Douglas Wood). With that…here goes…brace yourself for the wildness of what I’m about to say. Heck, you might want to warm up your gasping breath before reading the next few words.
Everything I’ve ever prayed for, or about, has been answered.
Let me say that again…all the things that I’ve prayed about have been answered. Not before you come at me with all your ideologies, finger pointing, and what not, just hear me out.
Prayer is not something I do to broadcast my thoughts to the world, or to seek favor for my own benefit – it is a way for me to connect with the world around me as a reminder that not everything is about me. It is how I send love into the world/cosmos, find peace with things I cannot change, and hold space for those in pain. Never once have I asked for a new car, or to win the lottery, or for those who don’t like me to look in the mirror. Mostly it is this stream of consciousness that sounds a bit like when children talk to their imaginary friends about tea parties and unicorns.
You see…in my short time on this planet I’ve had experiences that defy understanding. Stuff that took years of my life, and more stuff that required decades of research. Like the main character in The Alchemist, I’ve done just about everything (except for what was in front of me) to get answers to my soul’s questions. When you allow yourself to get all that clutter from your noggin, you see that the answers have been with you all along.
For longer than I’d like to admit, I’ve been one of my harshest critics. Right alongside that, I’ve allowed others to rain on my parade. Yep, you read that correctly, with my permission I willingly gave my power over to folks who took advantage of the places where I was broken. Think of it this way — many of us will choose a familiar negative over a potential positive. It’s kind of like we Stockholm Syndrome ourselves into thinking we are better off being in the mire over trying to find someplace less mucky. Because, you know, there might be bears, or aliens, or mean people in our comment section.
There are folks in my life that love me more than I can even describe here in this space. In fact I’m lucky enough to have a whole family (spouse and kiddos), as well as mentors and friends, that have supported me no matter what. Through every up, down, and all around these humans have reminded me that one does not need to give all their light away in order to be loved.
So, this prayer stuff – lemme get my story wrapped up here so you can go about your day. Lately my prayers have been about healing the parts of me that keep me from fully loving every one and everything (oh, just so you know, my boundary skills have become powerfully strong), as well as how to navigate living with a wee bit of anxiety. While I don’t ever expect answers, they always show up. This week was no exception with the arrival of a quite hilarious, but very spot on, spam email. Not only did it say I was loved, but that the image of the image is more than the image. The words gave me some very sage advice of: “I will show you how to make a picture of you. If you don’t want to go out, you don’t want to go out. If you want to write a book, write a book, or write a book, or write a book. If you want to be a part of the world, you will be able to do it in a new way.”
** side note here: when I say “wee bit,” in reality that means soul-crushing worries fostered by PTSD (which you will learn more about in the future) and 53 years worth of stories trying to break free all at once. Also, thank goodness that my prayers of not wanting to go out were confirmed, as well as whether or not I should be writing/creating. Or, maybe, write a book…
So, yeah, that’s where I am these days. Kinda done with things that weren’t working in the first place, or trying to fit into places that require you to leave your authenticity back at home. Plus, I think maybe it’s time to stop looking outside…and starting listening to what is within.
That’s all I got for today, y’all. Lots of love, big hugs, and know that I see you shining brightly as the Sun.
~ KEU
Kim Upton 