First of all, I’m a delight.
Second, everything I’m about to tell you is true.
“It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path, and to proceed.” ― Ram Dass
Today is the second day of Advent. While I’m not particularly aligned with any faith system, this time of year has always held a special place in my heart. Maybe it’s the genetics, as my Ancestors would have been settling in for a long winter full of darkness and cold. Or, it could be that I was raised in what might be called a “liberal” Catholic Church. Whatever it is, my non-denominational hillbilly mystical self just loves the thought of spending 4 weeks in contemplation. Although, if you ask my spouse, he would tell you that I’m always pondering something.
Before I get my yarn going, let me take a moment to wish you Rabbit! Rabbit! This is a folk practice that seems to have originated with the British during the early 1900s. This tradition has travelled through other cultures, and has come to reside on the internet where well meaning people want to argue about it. My thought on all of it is this – I’m saying to you, with the utterance of “Rabbit!! Rabbit!!” (and sometimes it’s fun to add an extra Rabbit!! because that’s how the old stories go with things being in threes and all), that it’s my fondest hope that your month is full of grace and ease. With that out of the way, lemme get down to the nitty gritty…
For the past little bit I was stuck in a boot loop, returning to a place where I got stuck. When things like this happen with our technology, we keep turning it on/off again in hopes that this time something magically change. However, when anything just keeps circling round and round, nothing will stop it until it meets an equal, or opposite, force. Again, these are things we know about our physical world(s). When this happens to our emotions or spiritual path, we grasp at straws to find answers. “Why did [insert faith system top boss here] do this to me? What prayers/offerings/etc. do I need to offer to stop suffering like this? Why me? Let me tell everyone on the internet about this…” Okay, that last one was, shall I say…a wee bit snarky – not just to the global culture, but for myself as well. Because, you know, I have – in the past – had a little issue with wanting to tell all y’all about my life as if no one else was going through sh*t.
So…yeah…this loop stuff…
Sometimes humans get bad data from other humans. This info can give you a serious case of WTF, creating a non-stop thought train of, well, WTF. Somehow we have become a culture of I’m right, you’re wrong, with some dogmatic pronouncements that bear no resemblances to the original connection. That’s what happened to me, and it kept me in this never-ending black hole of brain rot for quite some time.
Honestly, I think it was more like the stories of how elephant trainers put the babies on chains so they couldn’t get away. After some time of this the tether would be removed, but the belief of being tied up was already put into long-term memory. They didn’t try to escape because they believe they were still unable to get away. It was a loop of better the enemy you know, than the enemy you don’t know. Well, that and a lot more in the realm of animal/human psychology, but the purposes of this post, let’s just say that sometimes the memories of being held back stick with us for a lot longer than we can ever imagine.
Now I don’t know how this happened, or when, but one day I metaphorically looked down and saw that my feet were no longer in the loop. At first this was pretty terrifying, because I’d become acclimated to this whole smokescreen handed to me by people that had received bad data. Kind of like when you are in a spiral of sadness, and others in that spiral gravitate towards you. That is…until you say, “Hey y’all, look, the sadness is gone…I’m feeling hopeful again.” What you hope to hear is, “Hey, that’s great, how can we support you in this journey,” but what often comes your way is, “Have you seen the news, here’s some angry social media, can any of us ever be happy…” and just – holy moly – a lot of b.s. crashing out at the fact that you found a light at the end of the tunnel.
What all those influencers and self-help authors often leave out is that when you step outside of the expectations of others, it can get very, very lonely. It also challenges your decisions to have better boundaries…going back to that whole “enemy you know” thing. So when you are out there flapping your arms like one of those blow-up creatures in front of a store, the vulnerable parts of yourself start whispering to you with little digs – not-so-great people are better than no people; who do you think you are; don’t you want some validation – like, y’all…no joke, those little negative talkers in our brain can do a number on your mental health.
But then, all of a sudden, after a very long time, you get comfortable with the fact that feeling better in your body, mind, spirit, is not worth stepping back into the circle/loop. When you get a text, message, or email with words clearly laid out to upset you, there is no sting and no reaction. You don’t feel defensive, or not heard, or even worried that you will be alone your whole life with everyone in the world hating you – it’s just like, “Yep, that’s weird, I’m not engaging with that crap anymore.” You become like a grey rock where everything is “that’s great,” or “wow – that must have been wild to experience.”
Now, there are moments when I really do want to step back into that loop because it was my whole life for much longer than I anticipated. Some of it is my doing, some of it is the doings of others, and yet another part is just life. There is absolutely no need to go around pointing out the specks of wood when I’ve got a whole dang forest in my back yard. You know, glass houses and all…
“Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.” ― Madeleine L’Engle
Sometime I realized a bit ago was that every time I sat in front of a screen that connected me to a platform that was supposed to connect me to others, was that a little bit of me became performative. Along with that, I would get ranty about how this site, or that site, wasn’t behaving. All you gotta do is wander back a few posts, and you will see me yapping about how unfair it all is that no one was paying attention to me. Y’all, I ain’t above learning, and holy smokes did I learn some things recently. In some weird twist of life lessons, being deep in the darkness of my growth process, these small inner lights started forming…guiding me back to myself. Along the way I found pieces of my dreams lying on the side, so I gathered them into my little magic satchel. Further along tendrils of my creativity had become overgrown, so I nourished them back to fullness. As the light got brighter, there were human forms off in the distance – each one looked a lot like members of my wee little family. As I got closer I found that they had been there all along (and don’t say, “well duh,” because not everyone has supportive family, and for these beautiful humans to have patience with, and for, me…y’all…that’s some for real magic right there) – waiting for me to see the things they already knew.
And that’s when I knew that the loop no longer had me…
For today’s Advent thought, think of something that shines a bit of lit in parts of your life that need it.
Also, here’s the stack of what I’m reading right now. Just started “The Roots of Appalachian Christianity” by Elder John Sparks. Just a few chapters in, and I’ve already filled a few pages in my notebook. If you are interested in the faith systems of rural communities, especially in the Appalachian regions, this is a great read so far.
Much love to all y’all,
~ KEU
* 40 days
Kim Upton 