“If you desire healing, let yourself fall ill let yourself fall ill.” ― Rumi
First of all, I’m a delight. Second, everything I’m about to tell you is true. Third, it’s time for my yearly cold/flu/???
When my body is feeling a little more tactile than normal, I apparently like to walk around in the land of nostalgia. The images in this post are from an art journal I created in 2012 when I was teaching classes on…you guess it…art journaling. It was how I blended being a lay therapist/spiritual director, artist, writer, teacher – and well…all of the other things I was doing at that time.
Y’all I was at my peak – and life was doing what life does. I miss that time, and am slowly working my way back after events in my world created a huge chasm. Honestly, I’m gathering the courage to talk about it – or write about it – and right at a pivotal moment in my reverse phase planning, the annual illness came to visit a little early.
“first turn yourself upside down empty yourself like a cup of wine then fill to the brim with the essence
a voice is descending from the heavens a healer is coming” – Rumi
So I guess there’s a little more work to be done, and a little more time to hear the voice descending from within.
Much love – y’all stay healthy and safe out there, ~ KEU
First of all, I’m a delight. Second, I hope you see the whole of the Moon. (hat tip to Mike Scott and The Waterboys)
This is going to be a pic heavy post, so get yourself ready…
Honestly, I don’t know where to start with this, but the Moon is full, and I’ve been left unattended. Also, I’ve been trying to write this post for about 4 months, and my brain needs to let it out into the world – just done holding onto it for reasons that make sense only to me.
But first…a wee little pic of a full Moon from my archives. If you wanna know all the deets, here they are – shot on an iPhone (12) with the aid of a telescope. Also, you should know that this beautiful jocular orb is a big deal in my astrology chart. I’m all watery in the cosmos, letting my intuition and emotions shine a light on the parts of me that need it most. Which, and this is foreshadowing, got me through 2023. Well, and the years before that, but for today let’s just focus on one particular timeframe. That will keep the squirrels in my noggin happy. Remember, I warned you this is gonna be pic heavy…
It all started with a quadruple hit of viruses. Please feel free to hit up Google scholar, or your favorite medical database to see how this can happen. While I do have some genetic anomalies that make life interesting, my immune system is not too shabby. So, yeah, Spring-ish of 2023 the Universe decided to give me some lessons. But first, here’s a digital piece I created before all the shenanigans began.
While it would be easy for me to turn this into some kind of soliloquy and/or monologue – which I mean it is my site and all – it is important for me to stay on track. Let’s see if that actually happens.
In life there have been health challenges that gave me a run for my money, but nothing was as debilitating as what happened in 2023. I was deathly ill for two weeks, and mostly ill for a month. It was so bad that for 3 days in a row it was my fondest wish to take a “nap” for a really, really long time. My dreams were tactile and full of information, taking me to places no one had business visiting. Fevers are wild, y’all, and they do things to your noggin that can take years to heal…especially if you have a TBI from 8th grade. And, you know, that TBI happened in art class (my fave after literature and history), taking my sight for 24 hours and leaving me with this whole thing around creativity. That’s a story for another day, but y’all need to know about it because of what lies ahead…
Gotta admit, this is not one of my most favorite photos, but I was hugely pregnant, and the lighting was not-so-great. Side note, my dear sweet sweetie (you’ll see him below) build that marble maze toy. That man is a woodworker/carpenter/human extraordinaire.
When things got back to normal-ish, things in my system were not as they once were. I couldn’t sit for long periods of time, my ability to create was hampered by headaches that brought mind wandering, and nothing was working the way it needed to for my general happiness/well being. It sucked. People got mad at me because plans had to be cancelled, I gave up my thriving practice, and my moods were solemn. It was not a lot of fun.
They July came, my birthday in fact, and my dear sweet sweetie got shingles.
Yes, I’m wearing some kind of Halloween shirt in this photo – because for me everyday is Halloween…
This is Mr. The Mister and myself hanging out in our home. My oldest, by one minute, took this with her delightful Polaroid. If you can’t tell, our faces are saying, “Holy sh*t, we made it through 2023.” Those wee little zosters tried to take down my very best friend in all of time and space. In some kind of bizarre parallel, he spent 3 full days laying on the couch while I hovered over him doing all the incantations, prayers, and magic my recovering body could muster. We both have scars from that precarious time.
Then came Chicago… (see, this is a whole story that should be told in parts, and that will most likely happen that way, but for today you get the whole buffet)
Now this one will have it’s own post eventually, but the big takeaways are that: 1) I had a whole spiritual experience on the L; 2) I got to see the artwork of Remedios Varo up close and personal. Like this one…Creation of The Birds.
I mean the trip was a whole thing, and it was healing for me in so many ways. Everything just felt alive with hope and joy.
But wait…there’s more…
Not long after this Great Awakening, the best dog in the whole world (so much so that there would be no other dogs as good as he was) passed away. It was a blessing to sit with him during his last 12 hours. When my husband got home so we could take him to the vet, Frodo (yep, that’s the name he came with) stood up and gave a happy greeting. My training as an End Of Life Specialist aka a Death Doula (of which I will write more about later) helped me process what was going on around this beloved being with four paws. My husband, dear Mr. This Mister, was with Frodo in his last minutes because I couldn’t get out of the car due to the intense weeping and wailing. My soul was broken, and I screamed to anyone who could hear me, that this was, in fact, the absolutely worst year ever.
By the end of 2023 my circuits were fried. People were mad at me, I’d given up on what I love, my career had tanked, and I was desperately fighting to find my way out of a maze of emotions. Al of this was the tip of the iceberg, really, because 2024 came with a new job for Mr. The Mister, the end of a decade long trek in the modern U.S. health system with my youngest, another trip to Chicago, more people being upset with me, boundaries being crossed, and holy effing sh*t – would it never end?
2025 started out a little better. My ability to do things, after two years of working hard to recover from the virapocalypse, was returning. There are some things that still are difficult, like driving, but nevertheless…I persisted. Good stuff was coming my way, like being a part of the design team for Crafty Lisa’s Vintage, my family and a dear friend sharing their support for my ideas, and life presenting an opportunity for me to stand my ground.
And then I remembered these things… (see pics below)
And…this…that still has plenty of story time left to share.
For the past 38 days I’ve been consistently creating from the chaos that was the last decade. The point in sharing all of this isn’t for some kind of weird internet fame, or whatever it is that makes Al’s Gorithms and the Bots happy, but for anyone who has been going through tough stuff. Sometimes it takes as long as it takes, and life isn’t always giving us golden tickets of grace and ease. Along with that my hope is that those who are in a similar resource situation as my family will know they are not alone. Healing isn’t something everyone has access to, and I fully understand that creativity is a luxury for many.
Every day is an exercise in trusting that the Universe knows what’s up – and being absolutely grateful for everything that has happened. What I’ve learned is that this is not the time to hide your light under a basket, and that shining your weird light for others isn’t just a beacon…but more like a bridge of mirrors. Being who you truly are reflects into the hearts/souls of those around you. Life is just a blip in the cosmic timeline. Remember, we were made from creativity, an explosion of spirit/science (or whatever your belief system(s) might be), so all the ways we live are some aspect of that which made us. Or, better worded, we are the creators we’ve been waiting for…
Phew…alright y’all, it is a glorious day here, and I’m gonna park myself on the porch to practice my drawing skills. Know that you are loved, supported, and I see you over there shining brightly as the Sun.
To be continued…
Much love, ~ KEU
This post was written with the help of friendly cats and typo fairies. Please excuse all grammar errors as flights of fancy. If you would like to help appease my editors, you can drop a few coins into my coffee jar. As previously mentioned, quite often, I’m coming back to this creative life after a long period away. If you’ve read this far, know that your time is greatly appreciated.
Currently listening to: The Tales of KE Upton (Spotify playlist – which I know everyone is leaving, but it’s the best I can do with the resources I have at this time)
Second, I will not go gently into that good night.
“Don’t forget – no one else sees the world the way you do, so no one else can tell the stories that you have to tell.” ― Charles de Lint, The Blue Girl
There have been days where the level of my anxiety makes hearing “DEFCON 1” look like child’s play. Part of that feeling is genetic, with the other part being situational. However, the secret third thing was the never-ending wonkiness that comes from hanging onto things that were never mine in the first place.
Over the past two weeks I’ve taken such a fearless moral inventory of, well, everything. Think of it like advanced navel-gazing for the weary soul – that place where you have to ask yourself eleventy billion reflective questions on the state of your being. From there you pick up all the Most Important Things You’ve Ever Owned, asking the the hardest question ever — do you spark joy?
Now before folks come for me, because the online world loves to point out all the places you are wrong, know that I fully understand the absolute privilege in owning things…then giving them away. Also, please know that you might view these images and have thoughts about people who just keep collecting things to an unhealthy level. That’s fine, it’s not my job or place to get your mind to see my perspective(s). Plus, this is my story, and telling it is gonna take a lot more courage than what’s floating around me right now. Thing is, I’ve held it back for so long, and after realizing that I am, in fact, a bad a**, it’s time to share it. Not because I need some kind of weird validation, but in the words of Ani DiFranco: “When you look at me You see my purpose See my pride You think I just saddle up my anger And ride and ride and ride You think I stand so firm You think I sit so high on my trusty steed Let me tell you I’m usually face down on the ground When there’s a stampede I’m no heroine At least, not last time I checked I’m too easy to roll over I’m too easy to wreck I just write about What I should have done I just sing What I wish I could say And hope somewhere Some woman hears my music And it helps her through her day”
(side note, this is a space for everyone, so while this song mentions women, it applies to all people)
When I was struggling, and I mean struggling to the point that I didn’t even know how to form sentences that made sense, my brain needed to find someone going through the fire as well. While a good therapist, my own stubborn nature, my family, and my therapist were there clapping for me as I ran in life’s race…everything in me just needed to see that someone else made it to the finish line.
A weird little thing about my brain is that while I was out searching, it was also important to learn all the things about what was bothering me. There is this long list of certifications for modalities needed, but that were out of my price range. Meaning it was going to be less expensive to get that piece of paper than find someone doing what the piece paper offered. Total word jumble there, but that’s the best way for me to explain my process(es). In every practicum or case study, that’s when a series of small epiphanies happened… – everyone has struggles and challenges – we all need someone to listen fully – it’s not always about you – healing isn’t linear – the hardest thing to do is ask for help
You wanna know something that was hard for me? Kind of like the Achilles heal acting up as you and Sisyphus roll that huge boulder up a hill while some parallel universes held a sword of Damocles over your head…all while the Greek chorus was whispering in your ear…
I couldn’t let go. That’s it, there’s my huge big secret.
Then all of a sudden, in a literal sleep waking moment, I was like, “Oh…snap. If I keep holding onto this stuff nothing else can come my way.”
Now I’m out here flailing my arms like those weird balloon characters in front of pawn shops while remembering who I am (and who I was) before everything weighed me down.
Before signing off for the day, it’s important to share this with you.
It is absolutely okay to not be okay. Rumi says this being human is a guest house, and that might be one of life’s biggest truths…but if not being okay is preventing you from fully living, please reach out for help. That’s not a subtle nod to sell you something, or get you to join my program for only $49.99 a month…but a genuine offer for you to just lay it down for a bit. It’s okay to leave it here. I’ll keep it safe…there’s plenty of room. Just so you know, we do have cats, who are curious, so they might check it out from time to time. But in all seriousness…you can leave it here.
Alright – this is day 3 of getting back to what I love. It might be important to tell you, which I usually do in the beginning, is that there is a whole troop of typo faeries that live in my computer. While I leave them cream, chocolate, and fancy cheeses, they do love to dance on my keyboard after I hit “publish.” Please know that I do my best to check my writing, but if something slips by…it doesn’t mean I’m uneducated or a bad writer. Also, if that kind of thing bothers you, then maybe my work isn’t gonna be something you enjoy.
Thank you for shining your light. Thank you for doing hard things. Thank you for being as real as you can be given the (*waves hands*) way things are going.
Kim Upton 