sometimes you need a break(down)

First of all, I’m a delight. Second, well…it’s all below.

Happy Tuesday — we’ve all crossed through the New Moon, the eclipse, the changing of the seasons, and today the Sun moves into Libra. This is a long post, and I’ve been sitting with this for like a week in my drafts folder. Today I added some things to it.

In full honesty, I’ve done my best to steer clear of the news and the Greek chorus chiming in to tell us all that we are either on the right side or the wrong side — and that who we are, what we are becoming, and how we live is not how it should be. Honestly, all the “teams” want it to be their way, and to feel like it’s okay to put down those not like us. We declare others as the enemy, but fail to look behind the curtain to see who benefits from making us fight each other.

With this, I have no idea how to engage with folks — especially when they want me to dislike the same people they do. Since I’ve never really “fit in” to any group, this gives me an interesting perspective on what is happening.

This sends me back to teachings when I was younger, elders who reminded me that when the elephants fight it is also the grass that suffers. I think of the days growing up in the poorest county in Indiana listening to the old farmers talk about how they aren’t so sure these so-called helpful agencies have their best interest at heart. Kids that went to my school had their only meals in the cafeteria, and on weekends they went without.

Some of the smartest people I knew graduated in 8th grade because they had to go to work to support their family. Healthcare was a tincture or a tea, a meal from the local church, or a Psalm prayed over someone in need. While I may have seen these things through the eyes of a child, with a bit of idealism, there was the other side of the coin happening as well.

Because my family was Catholic, I was told that I would never, not ever, get to Heaven. Since my sister’s Dad had a “paper education,” (a Masters degree) we got called names at the feed store while picking up food for our livestock. My quirky nature and “sensitivity” was laughed at when I would get on the bus and cry because my socks felt weird on my feet. My best friends were the trees and wind, which also brought severe teasing by students in my school. In a middle school English class I was berated by the teacher because my paper for the topic she assigned upset her. We had to pick a sense to live without — mine was touch, which triggered some screed about being paralyzed. She did this in front of the class, and her words followed me until I graduated.

This is not just my story, as others have faced these challenges as well. And, sadly, there are folks dealing with the same kind of treatment right now — and this makes my heart very heavy.

It is no secret to anyone that deeply knows me well that relationships have often been difficult for me. Trying to explain why, or hoping that others would understand, just made it harder for me to feel comfortable in my own skin. It was never to get validation, or to be seen as something more than I am, but to share the more nuanced parts of myself. Or, in other words, it was just getting tiring to be high masking, making others comfortable so that I could feel like I had belonging.

When I was first introduced to the land of the internet, it was amazing — and I found others who wanted to info dump, felt out of place, or were walking through the land of authenticity to the best of their ability. It was such a wonderful place…until it wasn’t. When my family an I were hit with a metric ton of stress a few years ago, in need of help to a degree that we couldn’t really talk about openly, those who were once “friends” changed dramatically, saying things to me that I couldn’t believe. COVID made it worse, and to be real here…it showed me who a lot of people really were.

Now we, collectively as a human species, are in this space of deep transformation and change. We want to be right, and we want to be included in the groups of other people who are also right. Then we decide the best thing to do is fling poo at the other side, and say horrible things about them while talking about how righteous we are.

The thing is — and this will most likely be on my tombstone — we are all connected. For those who love science, but say they are better than everyone else, that means overlooking the wealth of papers written on…you guessed it…the intricate way all things in the Universe are connected. For those who love spirit, but say they are better than everyone else, that means overlooking the mystics of all faith systems that say…yep, here we go again…that we are all one in the spirit of being connected.

None of us have all the answers, and in the words of a loosely translated change maker, let those without bad deeds be the first to cast a stone (in a glass house…).

Now that I’ve lived through several raptures, many end of days, countries in chaos, people being mean to each other, and my own sets of breakdowns — all I can say is this: whether it’s the first day of the apocalypse, or the first day of peace, my work is to love all and serve all; to tell the truth and love everyone (with the caveat of having really, really good boundaries).

If you want to change the world, see yourself in the other. None of us are free when any are oppressed. Life is too short for making everything all about yourself — because none of us are immune to Lady Death, as She will come for us all. When you pass over the River Styx, into the halls of your Ancestors, or walk up to the pearly gates, or just go back to the Earth, what do you hope to leave behind?

One of my favorite sayings from Mr. Rogers is about how if you can’t find a helper, be a helper. Every single one of is struggling right now — no matter our demographic, culture, lifestyle, or beliefs. You can stand up, and stand with, others without being a jerk or passing blame.

At times like this I think of a dear friend of mine in college who was afraid to come out to their parents, so they asked me to present as their date to a family event. Something they said has always stuck with me: “I don’t want an ally in all of this, because people can easily say they are on my side. What I, and those like me, need is an advocate. Someone that is not afraid to stand together for those who need a shoulder to lean on. Words fade, but support lasts forever.”

And where do I stand, you might be asking…well I stand with love, and true inclusion. My family literally spans the spectrum of all the things, as do those they/we have in their/our communities. The only thing we don’t welcome, and have made healthy boundaries for, is hatred.

Sending lots of love to all y’all,
~KEU