First of all, I’m a delight. Second, time is an enormous long river. (Thanks to Utah Phillips & Ani DiFranco)
“And we all put into the river
And we let it go
And it flows away from us and away from us
Until it no longer has our name, our identity
It has its own utility and its own use
And people will take what they need and make it part of their lives”
– Utah Phillips, Bridges
Sometimes the fear of failing keeps us from moving forward with our dreams and goals. Our minds can make up hypothetical scenarios in a split second, creating an uneasy feeling of not being good enough. Marketing folks know this about humans, so they share items, remedies, and programs to help us feel more secure in our decisions – giving us the illusion of powerlessness in our ability to help ourselves.
Then there’s the noise of the dominant culture speaking to us in whispers about our inadequacy to understand our inner knowing. Or, more clearly stated, who benefits when we are afraid to cross a bridge from autonomy to authenticity.
A fear that followed me to adulthood is something called gephyrophobia – a deep seated anxiety about bridges. It’s not so much about getting to the other side, or worrying if trolls live under them, but more about the safety of transition. If you look at it from a metaphorical standpoint, it’s more like traversing the spaces between one point to another – whether that be emotions or not knowing what lies beneath.
For me the goal wasn’t to eliminate the fear of crossing to the other side, or completing this personal challenge, but leaning into the uncertainty of it all. The discomfort, the feeling of putting myself back out into the world, that’s a place every person has experienced. Our stories, collectively and individually, are about the courage to be ourselves. Honestly, I’ve been keeping a register on myself – so to speak – staying within a this odd safety zone. At the same time, I’m being authentic. Yeah, that’s a little oxymoronic to say – but it’s how I roll.
It’s just that I contain multitudes. Trying to get my whole self into one little box in hopes others like the part that I shared is making me feel claustrophobic, creating this self-imposed creative block that I’m finding difficult to understand. There’s this feeling that being an individual penalizes you on every platform. Don’t worry, I’m not about to give another treatise about the niche…well, not today at least. I guess what I’m trying to say is that there’s this bridge off in the distance, which will eventually need to be crossed, that has some really good stuff on the other side.
Now here’s the fun part…I’m going to take all y’all with me. There will be more stories about how the painting impacted my family, tales of growth, and lots of rambles.
While I would love to write more, the weather today is beyond amazing…and I think my camera would like to cross the threshold from my home to the forest.
Much love,
~ KEU
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Currently listening to: The Tales of KE Upton (Spotify – you can click the link to see the songs, but are not required to listen)
Currently reading: Be Here Now by Ram Dass
Kim Upton 