First of all, I am a delight. Second, “Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time.” ― Thomas Merton , No Man Is an Island
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
On August 1st of this year (2025) a great removal started. 23 years of journals, art supplies, clothing, books, knick knacks, and the weight of other people’s opinions.
Something happens when you strip away all the things you thought you should be. Or, rather…all the things you thought would help people understand how you navigate the world. You see there’s a high cost to being authentic. Not the sound bite bull caca online, but the wild-eyed dance of knowing you’ve shenan’ed once…and will absolutely shenan again. It’s more like the gift/curse that comes with seeing everything in shades of grey – the neither/nor liminal walk into the unknown that we call being human.
In order to see what’s going on within yourself, you gotta step away from what I call non-conforming conformists. These are the folks that aren’t like anyone else except each other. You see this often in the repetition of viral posts/videos, where if it works for those folks it will work for you, too. Sometimes it does, but mostly it just puts you in a club of cool kids that enjoy the fruits of being popular. Honestly, I get it – there’s safety in numbers. We are hard wired for community, so it makes sense that we look for spaces to fit into with copycat behaviors.
This is what I was going for in yesterday’s post, until one of the cats decided that it needed some more work.
Sociology has been a great love of mine, but I never took it to the academic level – meaning it wasn’t one of my many possible degree programs in college. Where I finally landed was secondary education, English literature, and comparative religions/religious studies. Side note for ya – my credit hours would give me a doctorate level degree, but I decided to get married and have babies. Or, rather, the Universe decided that for me. By age 27 I’d taken my GPA from a 0.4 to a 4.0 – got the Golden Key stuff and even got an invitation to apply for a Rhodes Scholarship – but as we all know…life had other plans. *(Sadly I didn’t meet all the requirements to fill out the application, but it was nice to be considered.) Oh, and I’m short 12 credit hours from having my undergrad. If being a professional student was an actual thing, I’d be applying right now.
Bewilderment
There are many guises for intelligence.
One part of you is gliding in a high windstream,
while your more ordinary notions
take little steps and peck at the ground.
Conventional knowledge is death to our souls,
and it is not really ours. It is laid on.
Yet we keep saying we find “rest” in these “beliefs.”
We must become ignorant of what we have been taught
and be instead bewildered.
Run from what is profitable and comfortable.
Distrust anyone who praises you.
Give your investment money, and the interest
on the capital, to those who are actually destitute.
Forget safety. Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.
I have tried prudent planning long enough.
From now on, I’ll be mad.
– Rumi
After years of walking around on social media (specifically the one with the big blue F), I started losing my ability to stand upright in my own skin. It happens to the best and strongest of us – so if you’re going through it just know that you’re not alone. It’s tough out there to be who you are.
Thing is, some folks are just born with a different set of colors in their palette. Sometimes it looks like a genetic health issue, bad parenting, socio-economic conditions, or a secret unknown thing. Heck, it could be all of the above, which is like winning the weirdo lottery where all the niches you could fill don’t have a place for you due to that “unknown” aura circling above your head.
One of the reasons I write, create, and generally engage in living life to the fullest, is to show others that it’s safe to be who they are – or who they want to be. While searching for someone to help me understand all the things, very few stepped up, so I learned how to do it myself. *(side note: this also happens for folks who grew up poor, learning how to survive and fix all the things on their own.)
And not just a few things, but literally all the things. When you do that, guess what you start to acquire? If you said 3 car loads worth of stuff, that would be the correct answer.
This is day 13, the luckiest one, of standing exactly where I want to be. As I’ve written previously, it’s a rebirth of sorts – or maybe something akin to what a Phoenix experiences. It’s a little scary, and it takes a lot of energy to walk the talk. My plan is to document all of this through words, images, and videos (yes, videos, please don’t come at me). The end result (fingers crossed) will be a nicely edited book. Heck, let’s just say the sky is the limit here and go for a movie deal.
Because, dear readers…everything I’m about to tell you is true.
Much love,
~ KEU
Currently listening to: A Perfect Circle (album: Thirteenth Step)
Currently reading: (well re-reading) The Cats of Tanglewood Forest by Charles de Lint
Kim Upton 