“Our karma is our mind. And the mind stands in the way of a clear view of God.” – Ram Dass
First of all, I’m a delight. Second, everything I’m about to tell you is true.
There’s always a lot of chatter on the socials about how folks hope that karma works its magic. You know, like when someone cuts you off in traffic, you wanna see them have the same experience. What’s interesting about that, if you’ve read a few of the world’s faith systems, is that hoping someone else has bad karma after they wronged you creates negative karma for you. Not because there is some universal score-keeper, but more along the lines of your intentions of something wonky happening to those who have been wonky to you.
I’ve shared this story before, but it’s good to share again. Years ago I attended teaching given by a Buddhist monk. Every week someone would ask the same question: “Is it bad karma to give a homeless person money that you know they will most likely use for drugs?” The little monk would smile patiently, in broken English – “What is your intention in giving the money to the homeless person? Is it for harm or for good?” Every time the person would say something to the effect of “Oh, for good. For sure for good.” Again monk would nod, smile, and say, “Then it’s for good.” After that came the explanation that the homeless person was going to use that money for blah, blah, blah…and the monk would just smile and say, “Once it is out of your hands, and you are doing it for good, why should you let it bother you?”
There’s more on this topic, and I’ll get back to it soon…however the Sun is shining and I’m making a big Asian themed meal for dinner (which means a wee bit of extra prep). Plus, this morning I slept in until almost 3:30am, and it threw my schedule off a bit. I’ll be back tomorrow with some more rambling – until then know that you are loved, support, and I see you shining brightly as the Sun.
“Each of us is an artist of our days; the greater our integrity and awareness, the more original and creative our time will become.” ― John O’Donohue
First of all, I’m a delight. Second, everything I’m about to tell you is true.
Currently my house smells like jalapeño cheese cornbread, there’s snow falling all around, and life feels pretty okay. Later I’ll whip up my version of chili macaroni – as well as some kind of sweet treat (hopefully).
Before I launch into today’s tale, I just wanna clarify something from yesterday’s post. Reading is always going to be a part of my life, along with books – it’s just that I’m in this cycle of seeking experience in my own life…rather than reading about it in a book. Here in a few weeks I’ll be sharing more about the little snippet (well, a decade…but who’s counting) of time where everything was not as I wanted it to be. Sometimes the Universe has plans for you that look like a bunch of wildness, until you view it in a different light. But don’t worry, I just put a few “cozy” mysteries on hold at my local library. Which, by the way, all y’all should be supporting libraries.
Next, in case I’ve not already given enough info on this – my ability to edit my own work isn’t from lack of trying. My brain gets ahead of me, and well…I know what I wrote. There will be typos. There is a typo faery that dwells in my space, and they really like to move things around after I hit send, publish, or what-have-you. This is a little digital drawing I made of it about 23 years ago.
Last item on the “to post” list is about my “about me” page here. It’s gonna be a work in progress as things move around into their (mostly) final form. It’s like trying on a new pair of shoes, then walking around the store for 20 minutes, to see if they are going to work. Thing is, sometimes you gotta take ’em home to give them the full test run. This is exactly what’s going on with my “bio” right now.
One of the cats keeps trying to type a message to y’all. She loves to sit in laps, so I’m the perfect candidate right now while at my work desk. Which, pulling from a paragraph above, some of my typos are feline driven. It’s just how life rolls around these parts.
While there are a lot of thoughts rolling around in my brain this morning, I think Nature herself is nudging me to spend some time offline today. Gonna load up something to play in the background, get out my glittery gel pens, and have a little creative fun.
Just know that you are loved and supported. I can see you over there shining brightly as the Sun. Also, here’s an old photo of Tootsie (the aforementioned cat) sitting on my lap as I’m working.
“Let your acts of mercy be like a river, unending and overflowing.” – attributed to St. Nicholas of Myra
First of all, I’m a delight. Second, everything I’m about to tell you is true.
Back in my Waldorf(ish) days, today was a huge deal when my oldest two were much younger than they are now. Meaning, when they were about 5 to 7, they would enjoy putting their shoes by the back door in hopes that St. Nick would fill them with sweets and gifts.
During that time we lived a purposefully austere life. Our table was low to the floor, with cushions for comfort and warmth. The precious gifts from St. Nick were made of natural materials, often crafted by my husband or myself, with some decadent candies from the “organic” section of the store. I have “organic” in quotes because the entry level meaning of that word has no ties to the advertising and fear-mongering that you see on social media…but that’s a post for another day…
When the younger two came along, we kept the tradition going, but with a taller table, chairs, and gift cards for online games. The treats were made by a factory, and came wrapped in non-recycled packaging. However, our home was still alive with simplicity, focusing more on the joy of being together than what items came from St. Nick. The goal with all of the kids was to provide presence and presents. Such fond memories…
However, the one thing that none of the kids enjoyed was the thought of a “right jolly old elf” trying to break into our home to leave gifts. St. Nick was okay, as he only dipped into the house and left gifts in shoes. Santa Claus, on the other hand, was not allowed to step foot in our house. Not only that, all of them didn’t like the way Santa dictated what was considered good or bad. During the holidays when strangers would ask any of them if they’ve been good/bad, each one would reply with the sentiment of not having their lives dictated by an all knowing dude who judge them for being who they are…and shouldn’t we all just be “good for goodness sake.”
And before anyone says, “Oh, you must have taught them that,” or “That’s what happens in that kind of parenting,” just know that all of them came out that way. Meaning they were born with a deep sense of compassion, empathy, and no b.s. from folks who wanted to tell them how to live or think.
That means that without the fear of some eternal damnation, or lack of holiday gifts, they knew that treating others the way they wished to be treated was a good way to get along in the world. Without any prompting from their parents, each one of them works tirelessly to help those around them – not worrying if they are “worthy” (i.e. good/bad) or not.
Sitting here at my desk my heart if full of all the times being a parent felt overwhelming. Not because of my own inner work and chaos, but that the world is often a little raw for those with tender hearts. While my husband and I may not have provided the season’s big gifts, or a lot of things under the tree, we did provide lots of love and acceptance. We knew that children are not here to be an extension of us, or to fulfill some dream/goal that we couldn’t get to ourselves. In fact, if you listen to kids more than demanding they fit into your roles of acceptance, there is much to learn.
Sometimes we make a lot of things harder for ourselves than it should be. I’m absolutely no stranger to that kind of thing, but as age comes along with its sidekick, Wisdom, walking in the world seems a little less intense…and it seems to be made more easy when helping others.
If the holidays are difficult for you, please let someone know. I know firsthand how hard it is to do that, because we often don’t like to admit that we are in a weak moment. Not to dance with this cliche, but sometimes things are hard – and that’s okay – but when it gets to be too much, that’s when we need to reach out. Over the next few weeks I’ll be listing free resources, as well as opening up a place for you to share what’s on your mind. Remember, you are a bright beam of light, and I see you over there shining like the Sun.
First of all, I’m a delight Second, everything I’m about to tell you is true.
Today it is a New Moon in Scorpio, with the last few days of the Sun also being in Scorpio. And, I mean, who among us wouldn’t want that kind of energy in our lives right now? And if that’s not enough, Mercury is currently in retrograde…just hanging out in Scorpio.
As you’ve most likely noticed, things have been pretty quiet here. After years of having folks say, “Hey, do your work in silence, then share it,” I finally listened. Now I’m over here doing all the things, but not sharing them. This is due to this back and forth in my brain about being on social media. Not a blog or website (or even Patreon), but that little weird place online where no matter how much we try to present as who we are, something happens that makes us feel like we just gotta do something to get attention. This is neither bad nor good, just what is. As strong as I thought my being was, the pull to “go viral” sneaks up and tries to take me for a ride with ego.
So what is a human to do? How do you walk with integrity to your goals and dreams, while also navigating a system that doesn’t seem to work in your favor? Do you keep banging on a door that isn’t going to open, or do you walk away and just do your thing?
These are the very same questions I sat with after taking the whole month of August to learn more about all the places one can promote themselves. If you wanna, please feel free to look at past posts. During my time away I thought about taking them down, or doing some radical changes to my site, but none of that felt like me. Also, I’ve done that so many times in my past – because you know…”I’m different now.” (insert cute eye roll emoji here) No matter how much we grow, change, or even regress, we are always going to be ourselves. There is this HUGE demand to be “authentic” online. However, what can happen – something I’ve experienced personally – is that that proclamation becomes performative. “Look at ME – I’m AUTHENTIC!” Honestly, no matter how grounded you are in your own wellness, the siren song of hanging with the popular kids can sideline even the strongest person.
Before this New Moon rolled around, I took care of some things that were long overdue — such as deactivating my personal Facebook profile. Today I’m pondering just walking away from all the Meta platforms completely, as in no more posting on any of them. While full time content creation might work for a lot of people, but for me it’s like walking into a room of unfolded laundry you put away then unfolds itself again. After working hard to get something up, my brain feels like a scrambled egg, which then gives me this feeling that I’m clearly a dunce for not just internally knowing how to do all of this…especially since I was such an advocate for “Internet.” (see pic below – my maiden name is Ericksen, BTW)
Ah…the beauty of youth… “There’s an unlimited amount of knowledge out there.” Yes, dear, there is, was, and still might be – if we all had listened to those who were trying to teach us media literacy. Even with a background in journalism and education (among other things from my college years), I got sucked into the ease of being myself in a way that got attention for being myself. Sometimes life is just like that, you know – but thankfully we get to live and to learn.
All of this brings me to the point of this post…
If you are here for niche content, lemme just warn you that this might not be the place for you. I’m going to be sharing parts of my work, my daily life, and whatever feels pulled to be shared with y’all. Life is too short to worry about the clicking-tongue Greek chorus of “Internet.” Honestly it held me back for a long time, along with some other things I’ll be discussing along the way, and I’m just very much done with constantly putting my liminal octahedron onto a very thin line. And just a lot of other things that don’t need to be rambled here.
Also, I will be utilizing my Patreon and YouTube more – and while some person out there selling $40 classes on why that’s a bad idea, please know that you will be able to find any videos/Patreon information right here.
So, without further ado…happy opening day to me. I’m back at work and have a lot of things to share with y’all. Big hugs to all of y’all that have been a huge support to me over the past however-long years. Also, a huge thanks to my family for their guidance and love.
First of all, I’m a delight. Second, still working on some things…
Song of Myself, 51 Walt Whitman 1819 – 1892
The past and present wilt—I have fill’d them, emptied them. And proceed to fill my next fold of the future.
Listener up there! what have you to confide to me? Look in my face while I snuff the sidle of evening, (Talk honestly, no one else hears you, and I stay only a minute longer.)
Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)
I concentrate toward them that are nigh, I wait on the door-slab.
Who has done his day’s work? who will soonest be through with his supper? Who wishes to walk with me?
Will you speak before I am gone? will you prove already too late?
So I’m about to move a lot of things around under that big old super full moon tomorrow (November 5th, 2025). Also, I’m posting things over yonder on YouTube if’n ya wanna check ’em out.
First of all, I’m a delight. Second, in the wonderful words of Granny Weatherwax, “I Ate’nt Dead.” (hat tip to Terry Pratchett)
Y’all I went to a huge music festival and came home with a virus that felt like the morbs, but was obviously a mix of heat stroke and the beginning of cold/flu season.
Then I started a new class.
Then Mr. The Mister got ill.
So, yeah, it’s been a hot minute. But I’m still here.
First of all, I’m a delight. Second, well…it’s all below.
This photo is protected by the fey. Steal at your own risk.
Happy Tuesday — we’ve all crossed through the New Moon, the eclipse, the changing of the seasons, and today the Sun moves into Libra. This is a long post, and I’ve been sitting with this for like a week in my drafts folder. Today I added some things to it.
In full honesty, I’ve done my best to steer clear of the news and the Greek chorus chiming in to tell us all that we are either on the right side or the wrong side — and that who we are, what we are becoming, and how we live is not how it should be. Honestly, all the “teams” want it to be their way, and to feel like it’s okay to put down those not like us. We declare others as the enemy, but fail to look behind the curtain to see who benefits from making us fight each other.
With this, I have no idea how to engage with folks — especially when they want me to dislike the same people they do. Since I’ve never really “fit in” to any group, this gives me an interesting perspective on what is happening.
This sends me back to teachings when I was younger, elders who reminded me that when the elephants fight it is also the grass that suffers. I think of the days growing up in the poorest county in Indiana listening to the old farmers talk about how they aren’t so sure these so-called helpful agencies have their best interest at heart. Kids that went to my school had their only meals in the cafeteria, and on weekends they went without.
Some of the smartest people I knew graduated in 8th grade because they had to go to work to support their family. Healthcare was a tincture or a tea, a meal from the local church, or a Psalm prayed over someone in need. While I may have seen these things through the eyes of a child, with a bit of idealism, there was the other side of the coin happening as well.
Because my family was Catholic, I was told that I would never, not ever, get to Heaven. Since my sister’s Dad had a “paper education,” (a Masters degree) we got called names at the feed store while picking up food for our livestock. My quirky nature and “sensitivity” was laughed at when I would get on the bus and cry because my socks felt weird on my feet. My best friends were the trees and wind, which also brought severe teasing by students in my school. In a middle school English class I was berated by the teacher because my paper for the topic she assigned upset her. We had to pick a sense to live without — mine was touch, which triggered some screed about being paralyzed. She did this in front of the class, and her words followed me until I graduated.
This is not just my story, as others have faced these challenges as well. And, sadly, there are folks dealing with the same kind of treatment right now — and this makes my heart very heavy.
It is no secret to anyone that deeply knows me well that relationships have often been difficult for me. Trying to explain why, or hoping that others would understand, just made it harder for me to feel comfortable in my own skin. It was never to get validation, or to be seen as something more than I am, but to share the more nuanced parts of myself. Or, in other words, it was just getting tiring to be high masking, making others comfortable so that I could feel like I had belonging.
When I was first introduced to the land of the internet, it was amazing — and I found others who wanted to info dump, felt out of place, or were walking through the land of authenticity to the best of their ability. It was such a wonderful place…until it wasn’t. When my family an I were hit with a metric ton of stress a few years ago, in need of help to a degree that we couldn’t really talk about openly, those who were once “friends” changed dramatically, saying things to me that I couldn’t believe. COVID made it worse, and to be real here…it showed me who a lot of people really were.
Now we, collectively as a human species, are in this space of deep transformation and change. We want to be right, and we want to be included in the groups of other people who are also right. Then we decide the best thing to do is fling poo at the other side, and say horrible things about them while talking about how righteous we are.
The thing is — and this will most likely be on my tombstone — we are all connected. For those who love science, but say they are better than everyone else, that means overlooking the wealth of papers written on…you guessed it…the intricate way all things in the Universe are connected. For those who love spirit, but say they are better than everyone else, that means overlooking the mystics of all faith systems that say…yep, here we go again…that we are all one in the spirit of being connected.
None of us have all the answers, and in the words of a loosely translated change maker, let those without bad deeds be the first to cast a stone (in a glass house…).
Now that I’ve lived through several raptures, many end of days, countries in chaos, people being mean to each other, and my own sets of breakdowns — all I can say is this: whether it’s the first day of the apocalypse, or the first day of peace, my work is to love all and serve all; to tell the truth and love everyone (with the caveat of having really, really good boundaries).
If you want to change the world, see yourself in the other. None of us are free when any are oppressed. Life is too short for making everything all about yourself — because none of us are immune to Lady Death, as She will come for us all. When you pass over the River Styx, into the halls of your Ancestors, or walk up to the pearly gates, or just go back to the Earth, what do you hope to leave behind?
One of my favorite sayings from Mr. Rogers is about how if you can’t find a helper, be a helper. Every single one of is struggling right now — no matter our demographic, culture, lifestyle, or beliefs. You can stand up, and stand with, others without being a jerk or passing blame.
At times like this I think of a dear friend of mine in college who was afraid to come out to their parents, so they asked me to present as their date to a family event. Something they said has always stuck with me: “I don’t want an ally in all of this, because people can easily say they are on my side. What I, and those like me, need is an advocate. Someone that is not afraid to stand together for those who need a shoulder to lean on. Words fade, but support lasts forever.”
And where do I stand, you might be asking…well I stand with love, and true inclusion. My family literally spans the spectrum of all the things, as do those they/we have in their/our communities. The only thing we don’t welcome, and have made healthy boundaries for, is hatred.
First of all, I’m a delight. Second, give a little bit. (hat tip to Supertramp)
Just so you know, all hair was safe from the flame on the table.
Well, as mentioned, I’ve taken some of this stuff on the road – well to the apps that let you scroll through videos. I’m telling some stories there, too, so feel free to stop in and say hello.
43 days into this consistency thing and I’m learning more about myself than using the internet to get back in the game. Funny how life works, ‘eh?
Another short post as I’m off to make homemade pizza.
First of all, I’m a delight. Second, I hope you see the whole of the Moon. (hat tip to Mike Scott and The Waterboys)
This is going to be a pic heavy post, so get yourself ready…
Honestly, I don’t know where to start with this, but the Moon is full, and I’ve been left unattended. Also, I’ve been trying to write this post for about 4 months, and my brain needs to let it out into the world – just done holding onto it for reasons that make sense only to me.
But first…a wee little pic of a full Moon from my archives. If you wanna know all the deets, here they are – shot on an iPhone (12) with the aid of a telescope. Also, you should know that this beautiful jocular orb is a big deal in my astrology chart. I’m all watery in the cosmos, letting my intuition and emotions shine a light on the parts of me that need it most. Which, and this is foreshadowing, got me through 2023. Well, and the years before that, but for today let’s just focus on one particular timeframe. That will keep the squirrels in my noggin happy. Remember, I warned you this is gonna be pic heavy…
It all started with a quadruple hit of viruses. Please feel free to hit up Google scholar, or your favorite medical database to see how this can happen. While I do have some genetic anomalies that make life interesting, my immune system is not too shabby. So, yeah, Spring-ish of 2023 the Universe decided to give me some lessons. But first, here’s a digital piece I created before all the shenanigans began.
While it would be easy for me to turn this into some kind of soliloquy and/or monologue – which I mean it is my site and all – it is important for me to stay on track. Let’s see if that actually happens.
In life there have been health challenges that gave me a run for my money, but nothing was as debilitating as what happened in 2023. I was deathly ill for two weeks, and mostly ill for a month. It was so bad that for 3 days in a row it was my fondest wish to take a “nap” for a really, really long time. My dreams were tactile and full of information, taking me to places no one had business visiting. Fevers are wild, y’all, and they do things to your noggin that can take years to heal…especially if you have a TBI from 8th grade. And, you know, that TBI happened in art class (my fave after literature and history), taking my sight for 24 hours and leaving me with this whole thing around creativity. That’s a story for another day, but y’all need to know about it because of what lies ahead…
Gotta admit, this is not one of my most favorite photos, but I was hugely pregnant, and the lighting was not-so-great. Side note, my dear sweet sweetie (you’ll see him below) build that marble maze toy. That man is a woodworker/carpenter/human extraordinaire.
When things got back to normal-ish, things in my system were not as they once were. I couldn’t sit for long periods of time, my ability to create was hampered by headaches that brought mind wandering, and nothing was working the way it needed to for my general happiness/well being. It sucked. People got mad at me because plans had to be cancelled, I gave up my thriving practice, and my moods were solemn. It was not a lot of fun.
They July came, my birthday in fact, and my dear sweet sweetie got shingles.
Yes, I’m wearing some kind of Halloween shirt in this photo – because for me everyday is Halloween…
This is Mr. The Mister and myself hanging out in our home. My oldest, by one minute, took this with her delightful Polaroid. If you can’t tell, our faces are saying, “Holy sh*t, we made it through 2023.” Those wee little zosters tried to take down my very best friend in all of time and space. In some kind of bizarre parallel, he spent 3 full days laying on the couch while I hovered over him doing all the incantations, prayers, and magic my recovering body could muster. We both have scars from that precarious time.
Then came Chicago… (see, this is a whole story that should be told in parts, and that will most likely happen that way, but for today you get the whole buffet)
Now this one will have it’s own post eventually, but the big takeaways are that: 1) I had a whole spiritual experience on the L; 2) I got to see the artwork of Remedios Varo up close and personal. Like this one…Creation of The Birds.
I mean the trip was a whole thing, and it was healing for me in so many ways. Everything just felt alive with hope and joy.
But wait…there’s more…
Not long after this Great Awakening, the best dog in the whole world (so much so that there would be no other dogs as good as he was) passed away. It was a blessing to sit with him during his last 12 hours. When my husband got home so we could take him to the vet, Frodo (yep, that’s the name he came with) stood up and gave a happy greeting. My training as an End Of Life Specialist aka a Death Doula (of which I will write more about later) helped me process what was going on around this beloved being with four paws. My husband, dear Mr. This Mister, was with Frodo in his last minutes because I couldn’t get out of the car due to the intense weeping and wailing. My soul was broken, and I screamed to anyone who could hear me, that this was, in fact, the absolutely worst year ever.
By the end of 2023 my circuits were fried. People were mad at me, I’d given up on what I love, my career had tanked, and I was desperately fighting to find my way out of a maze of emotions. Al of this was the tip of the iceberg, really, because 2024 came with a new job for Mr. The Mister, the end of a decade long trek in the modern U.S. health system with my youngest, another trip to Chicago, more people being upset with me, boundaries being crossed, and holy effing sh*t – would it never end?
2025 started out a little better. My ability to do things, after two years of working hard to recover from the virapocalypse, was returning. There are some things that still are difficult, like driving, but nevertheless…I persisted. Good stuff was coming my way, like being a part of the design team for Crafty Lisa’s Vintage, my family and a dear friend sharing their support for my ideas, and life presenting an opportunity for me to stand my ground.
And then I remembered these things… (see pics below)
And…this…that still has plenty of story time left to share.
For the past 38 days I’ve been consistently creating from the chaos that was the last decade. The point in sharing all of this isn’t for some kind of weird internet fame, or whatever it is that makes Al’s Gorithms and the Bots happy, but for anyone who has been going through tough stuff. Sometimes it takes as long as it takes, and life isn’t always giving us golden tickets of grace and ease. Along with that my hope is that those who are in a similar resource situation as my family will know they are not alone. Healing isn’t something everyone has access to, and I fully understand that creativity is a luxury for many.
Every day is an exercise in trusting that the Universe knows what’s up – and being absolutely grateful for everything that has happened. What I’ve learned is that this is not the time to hide your light under a basket, and that shining your weird light for others isn’t just a beacon…but more like a bridge of mirrors. Being who you truly are reflects into the hearts/souls of those around you. Life is just a blip in the cosmic timeline. Remember, we were made from creativity, an explosion of spirit/science (or whatever your belief system(s) might be), so all the ways we live are some aspect of that which made us. Or, better worded, we are the creators we’ve been waiting for…
Phew…alright y’all, it is a glorious day here, and I’m gonna park myself on the porch to practice my drawing skills. Know that you are loved, supported, and I see you over there shining brightly as the Sun.
To be continued…
Much love, ~ KEU
This post was written with the help of friendly cats and typo fairies. Please excuse all grammar errors as flights of fancy. If you would like to help appease my editors, you can drop a few coins into my coffee jar. As previously mentioned, quite often, I’m coming back to this creative life after a long period away. If you’ve read this far, know that your time is greatly appreciated.
Currently listening to: The Tales of KE Upton (Spotify playlist – which I know everyone is leaving, but it’s the best I can do with the resources I have at this time)
“I always thought that anybody who told me I couldn’t live in the past was trying to get me to forget something that if I remembered it would get ‘em in serious trouble.” – Utah Phillips
We are all a little broken, and none of us are perfect. To err is human, as the saying goes, so why is it that we have such a hard time with the concept of forgiveness? Now before y’all come at me in the comments saying words about not forgiving horrible things, know that I don’t participate in stuff such as forced positivity or negation of mental health. That influencer junk isn’t what I’m saying here – it’s more about finding grace and ease with uncertainty from my perspective.
And being real honest here, I’m not sure how to share my life experiences with all y’all here on the inter-webs. First, I do like a good ramble – you know, just letting those brain squirrels out to play until they tire out and go home to rest. It’s not because I lack direction, or the ability to stay on one topic, but more like my thoughts find connections to other thoughts while my fingers are moving along the keyboard.
Second, it is very important to honor every person’s path. What is good for the goose is not always good for the gander (as the saying goes). Just because my work with forgiveness was helpful for me, doesn’t mean that it will benefit others. There are a lot of people out there who feel very strongly that their way of life is how everyone should be, which is not how I roll.
Forgiveness is about allowing healing for circumstances that are beyond my control, and for those situations where my broken parts engaged in uncomfortable behaviors. When I decided to set some goals earlier this year, I found myself stewing a bit on too many thoughts. If you’ve read some of my past posts, there’s some vestiges of that when I get a good yarn going about the artificial nature of being online. Sometimes my brain gets a little cranky at things that have nothing to do with me. Yelling into the void isn’t helpful, neither is complaining about Al’s Gorithms and The Bots. Plus, that’s not what I want to give my energy to on a daily basis. But I will say that it did feel good to get all that off my chest.
The other bug tussle here is that the brain just loves holding onto memories – even if we think it isn’t. You see, there’s a huge supercomputer in your skull that is constantly taking in information so that it can help you stay upright. If it senses something might be hazardous for you, which in reality makes it kind of a self-serving organ (which could be its own post), you get a flood of information that hopefully helps you make a better choice. Just like the elephant, your noggin never forgets.
Let’s say you’ve done a lot of work to forgive someone for not returning a phone call that was important to you. With a little time we realize that we are not in control of everyone, but that emotion hangs out a bit longer influencing other parts of your life. Now you have this feeling just wandering around without direction, waiting for an opportunity to show you what it thinks is a pattern. Then one day you trip over something your housemate left on the floor, making you angry at the fact that no one ever pays attention to your needs.
So…yeah…we’ve all been there, and it’s never any fun when it happens.
For me to move forward in my life I had to stop allowing little things to pull me off track. That meant taking a full inventory of the times my feelings were hurt, as well as the moments where I upset others. This week seemed like the perfect time to do this, so I took a fearless moral inventory of all the times life seemed really unfair. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, because the list went deep down to the marrow of my core memories. Looking at the pages of these painful blips of my history, I just felt the need to draw little hearts around all the words. My soul felt heavy with sadness for those who had hurt me (or my family), and my being was remorseful for the times my actions were hard for others. After that I wrote out this sentence: “May all be forgiven, and may I forgive myself, too.”
Then I cried.
See, the thing here is that I’m never going to forget any of those events/situations, but I can stop letting them pester me all the time. Those emotions aren’t going to be metaphorically stuck to the bottom of my shoe anymore, and the steps in my journey will be lighter.
The side effect of all this was being able to see where my boundaries needed more work, as well as being a little more careful where I share my energies. I don’t know, y’all, it was just a whole thing, and trying to put it into words here is like trying to nail water to the wall.
So I’d like to do something here that is important for me as a creative and spiritual person.
If I’ve upset you in any way, I offer a sincere apology – and am here to talk about it if you find that helpful. To those that have hurt my family or me, you have my forgiveness. If I have crossed a boundary in your world, I am sorry. For those who have crossed the boundaries of my family and me, you are forgiven – but please know that we reserve the right to refuse your presence due to past actions.
With that, y’all, I’ve got some things to take care of today – I’ll get back to my wild and full of multitudes content later in the week. Until then know that I see you out there shining brightly as the Sun.
Kim Upton 