“So much depends not on how awkward destiny is, but rather on how openly it is embraced.”
John O’Donohue
“But someday the weight of the world Will give you the strength to go” – from “Robot Boy,” by Linkin Park
As mentioned in my last post, I’m fully back in the office. Little did I know that once my wee feeties stepped back toward my desk there would be a great amount of stuff that built up during my sabbatical. While a younger version of me would have happily burned the midnight oil to do all the things, wisdom and age remind me that my work involves being present for those that need someone to walk alongside them. While a business manager, or some such, might tell me that I need to prioritize my “stats” online to give “credibility” to my business — that’s just nonsense to me. And honestly, I think others feel the same.
Thankfully everything is caught up, and I’m back to my regular schedule. It feels great to be back in the saddle, as the cool kids say – although it might be something way different than what I think it does. I’ll say less…
“If the greatest prayer you ever say is thank you, it will be enough.”
Meister Eckhart
“We’re all walking lightly We’re all walking lightly Let these moments last Could be gone so fast” – “Walking Lightly,” Junip
2023 was an interesting year. Here are a few interesting bullet points…because it would take pages to share the details of every. single. thing. that I experienced.
– In the Spring I was hit with 4 different virii/viruses/illnesses/whatever at once, making me sick for a full month. There was a week where I thought, “Well, this is it. If I don’t wake up in the morning, let my family be okay,” every time I closed my eyes. Just to be clear, I wasn’t embracing an end, but rather facing what I felt was near. I’ve talked about this in other places, just a bit, and may go deeper into what transpired at a later time. For now just know this — I’m very glad to be here. Rumi really had it right when he said, “If you require healing, let yourself fall ill. Let yourself fall ill.”
– All of a sudden everyone was upset with me. Okay, not everyone, but my need to not die really caused some ripples amongst the circles of association I had. You know, I have empathy and compassion for those reactions, because it can be hard to feel as if someone has abandoned you. However, despite my explanations, or proof that my desire to live had nothing to do with anything but survival, that made me “most hated.” (This is something Mr. The Mister and I came up with years ago, and is the most apt way to explain certain situations.)
– On my birthday, Mr. The Mister and I had a very romantic date at a doc-in-the-box. We both learned so much from that experience, like: 1) don’t get sick in the United States, and 2) don’t get sick in the United States. Please know that this is not an epic rant on something I’m unfamiliar with. My work parallels the U.S. wellness system, where I advocate for my clients, friends, and loved ones. But I digress…that’s a post for another day. For 3 days and 3 nights I sat with Mr. The Mister as he worked to survive a serious health issue. Once he was better, he joined me in the Recovery From A Major Illness walk.
– Sometime near Halloween I just kind of decided that the rest of the year wasn’t going to suck. While everything calmed down a bit, this would be the start of what I’m now calling The Great Topsy Turvy Time. I experienced everything from intellectual thievery to walking 10 miles in one day. In between were little moments of beauty, dusted in magic, that transformed all the wackiness mentioned in the above bullet points. Oh, and I went to Chicago — and life hasn’t been the same since I returned. All good…just different.
“I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.”
Booker T. Washington
Today I started working on my 2024 calendar. There are already clients booking time after I come back from sabbatical (February 2, 2024), classes to finish, and life to live. For January I’ve written the above quote on each planning and notes page. Then, right below it, in glittery ink, this phrase: “Have the courage to be disliked – you are not everyone’s cup of tea…and that’s okay.” Heck, I even had a “word of the year” come to mind without looking online for inspiration — which is now written in each month’s note section.
And for those of you who might be wondering, yes…yes I’ve taken a detailed fearless moral inventory of this year to see where I could have done better. Close friends and family know that my daily inner self examinations leave no stones unturned. Having little reminders that it’s okay to live my life fully without asking permission from others is also a good way to keep oneself in check. Instead of seeking validation from outside sources, you engage your internal b.s. meter. I promise you that if you have that in working order, nothing will slip past your radar. What’s kinda interesting about all of this, is that I do this work with my clients, but have never engaged the whole “physician heal thyself” protocols for myself. Lesson learned…
Today you are invited to look at your own fears of being disliked. Find one that really pulls on your heart strings, and have a conversation with it. For example if the primary reason is a fear of rejection, take a moment to see what it tells you. Reach out to a close person in your life, write about it in a journal, or make a creative piece that embodies your healed self. Whatever it looks like, just sit with these feelings for a bit. When you’re done, take a moment to write all the things you love about yourself, then allow the feeling of knowing that who you are is amazing, beautiful, and valid.
Remember, it’s okay to feel okay, but if you start getting overwhelmed, reach out to someone. You are loved, liked, and understood by so many. Don’t let the opinions of others dull your shine. I see you doing great things – keep going!
You asked me how to get out of the finite dimensions when I feel like it. I certainly don’t use logic when I do it. Logic’s the first thing you have to get rid of.
J.D. Salinger
A creative experiment I tried many years ago was an exercise in the singular nature of duality. Yes, that sounds like something your college professor would tell you to write a 30 page paper about, but it was a way for me to further explore the wonderfulness of how all things are connected. It was nothing too complicated – just one photo and one haiku per day. The only “rule” was that both had to be created on the same day, and I couldn’t use past poems or images.
This was a great way to explore themes in nature, push my ability to make each day its own experience, and engage consistent creative practices. I posted the images and words on Instagram, and pretty soon others were doing the same. It was lovely to see all these folks walking in their creative selves, and it brought me a good feeling to have been an inspiration to others…until a more well known person started using my words – not my images or poems – to gather more followers.
You see, there’s nothing new in this world. As much as we might like to think we are the original maker of something, that is just not how it works. For every idea you have, 400 people have had it as well – and out of these folks, 100 of them have actually made it happen. Out of those few, a smaller amount decided to put some kind of legal layers into the mix, preventing others from taking their “idea.”
Admittedly, that action made me feel a little bit aggravated. I had worked hard to come up with this creative process, and by golly my claim on it was known by many, with lots of advice to put all of my work into a book of some kind. Didn’t these 400 people know how hard it had been to get this off the ground? Didn’t the few that took it to a more professional place understand that this was my SOUL that was being shared? Like, come on, I was clearly the originator of such a wonderful thing.
Except that I wasn’t, and I never will be. Why? Because there’s nothing new under the Sun.
However, there are new ways to transform ideas. Along with that when we move our idea from thought to action, we are the crucible of individuality that provides a dash of alchemical process. Or, with less philosophy jargon, we pull from a common place, forging our own essence into something miraculous.
There have been many more situations like the one above, and I’m absolutely positive there will be more. Humans have this interesting way of walking around in the thought of model/rival. We see that someone else is doing something that makes them happy, so we want to mimic it. That doesn’t make those folks any less authentic, and it doesn’t take away from what you are doing. We are all just trying to walk each other home.
My ancestral Scandinavian self is planning to engage fully in the art of Hygge this year. I’ve tried to implement this several times over the years, but life just kind of did what it does best. You know…the whole if you want to make the Universe laugh, tell it your plans kind of experience. Also, there’s this thing that happens when I make proclamations about this, or that, thing, which is like a magnet for the Holy Trickster. It’s the Universe’s way of saying, “Hold my ambrosia.”
In this time of quiet reflection, and catching up on all the books in my “to read” pile, I’m taking some classes in topics that are of personal interest like Norse Mythology, how to use Google docs more proficiently, and world religions. Along with those I’m taking courses that will give me a larger basket of skills to use with my clients – everything from inclusiveness in healthcare to religions of antiquity. While I would love to take these in a college setting, with others who love to learn everything there is to learn about everything, the resources to do that aren’t available for me at this time. While that may seem like a setback to some, I see it as an opportunity to do a little DIY degree program work. There are a few remaining goals in my life that need some grace and ease to make them more solid, so I welcome the slow time of Winter to give them space to grow.
And, you know, I’m not the first person to do this…but I am the only me that will transform what I learn into my own path.
Today I invite you to look at something in your life, that took a lot of work on your part, only to be “borrowed” by another. Did you stop doing that thing after you realized someone was “copying” you? Were you inspired on a deeper level to keep going? How did you feel when you first realized that someone out in the wide world was doing the exact same thing as you? Sit with those thoughts a moment – maybe write them down in a journal – then look at them a different way. Ponder how that person is not you, and doesn’t have the same transformation skills you do. Let go of the thought about imitation being a form of flattery, and keep your love of what you do close to your heart. People can try to be like you…but they will never, not ever, be you.
Sending support your way – know that I see you out there shining brightly as the Sun. It’s okay to feel not so okay sometimes, but if those feeling become overwhelming, reach out to someone that can help.
”Dare to declare who you are. It is not far from the shores of silence to the boundaries of speech. The path is not long, but the way is deep. You must not only walk there, you must be prepared to leap.” – Hildegard of Bingen
In my stack of things there is a notebook with the title, “Things to write about for my website.” Under each topic there are websites, notes on how to make sure all my SEO things are in order, and interesting tidbits about my experiences with whatever it is that seemed interesting enough to be recorded. Rarely do they ever appear anywhere online, and when I look at ones from years ago I’m like, “You know, maybe I should write about this…”
Then I don’t, or didn’t…because of these feelings that come up. Some of them are my own, while others come from people that apparently live in my noggin rent free. While I could say the long list of reasons this happens, in hopes that you will align with those moments and feel connected…therefore loving this post and sharing it with others, that’s not who I am. It’s also who I don’t want to be in the work I do, the relationships I have with others, or as a random entity in a sea of online personas. The important thing I hope you gather from this post, and this week’s podcast, is that the person you are in amazing. There are no viral videos that will change that, nothing you can share on social media that will convince me otherwise, or whether you like me back.
That’s right, it’s okay if you don’t like me.
You see, for years I worked very hard to have others like me. While in my day to day work I would tell clients how amazing they were for standing in their authenticity – in whatever form that was – I was over here trying to push my square peg into a circle shaped hole. Sad thing is…I didn’t even realize that it was happening. While I would have chats with Mr. The Mister from time to time, with his advice giving me solace for a moment, the minute I’d step away from the safety of those conversations, my brain would wander right back into the land of shifting my comfort levels to fit in with experiences that were never for me.
This year has been one precipice moment after another. It felt like a weird version of The Princess And The Pea, but in a more introspective way. No Queen was testing to see if I was fit for her son, but that with each layer removed I came closer to what prevented me from getting rest. Each little inconvenience just piled itself on top of the others, leaving me feeling raw, out of place, and a bit untethered.
Then I went to Chicago. In today’s podcast I talk a little bit about it, but I’m still trying to find the “right” words to convey what happened. And then, when I came back, each day offered up a new lesson and new ways to grow into whatever change happened while riding the L.
With that, the link to today’s podcast is below. It’s a little longer than usual, so grab a cup of your favorite drink and take some time to enjoy the words I’m sharing.
Not all of us are called to be hermits, but all of us need enough silence and solitude in our lives to enable the deeper voice of our own self to be heard at least occasionally.
Thomas Merton
Below you will find a link to this week’s podcast. Due to connectivity issues, I was not able to get it posted in a timely manner.
Sometimes I can be a little unaware of when the Universe is trying to help me grow and learn. It isn’t because I lack self awareness, or that I’m not observant. A more accurate way to describe it would be this — sometimes my brain is thinking faster than my senses. For example, I’m currently reading/studying the writings of Thomas Merton on a deeper level than I have before. As I was staring into the yard, while washing dishes, my thoughts were on Merton’s discussions of Celtic Christianity. Like I’m talking way down into the deep recesses of my noggin kind of pondering.
As the words go through my head, “Celts…Ireland…Roman Empire,” my ears do not hear the running of the water, and my hands no longer feel the squishiness of the sponge. At that moment I was on autopilot, doing a routine task without even realizing it, allowing the quiet of the day to give way to the richness of my mind palace. (This is not my term, but it is an absolutely delightful way to describe how the brain works.)
In this week’s podcast I talk about silence, and how it is becoming part of my daily inner work.
As of this posting the social media tech gremlins seem to know that Mercury is about to be retrograde, and access to some of my platforms is limited. It feels like this may be one of those moments where the Universe is nudging me in a direction that I was already pondering. If you follow those pages, or have found my site through those pages, I suggest bookmarking my website to stay up to date with the goings-on and such.
“But don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth, without complicated explanation, so everyone will understand the passage, We have opened you.” – Rumi
When we enter this world, we take a full breath, and when we cross over…it is released. As the mystics say, what we do between those two life events is up to us.
In the last year, or so, of using social media, I’ve noticed a push to: 1) find a niche, and 2) be “authentic.” Not to sound dense, but I am not sure what those words mean in our modern times. What it seems to mean is finding something that will make your post go “viral,” using a popular “hook,” to show people that you are who they want you to be.
Today I re-launched my podcast, and I talk about these topics in a little more detail there. In fact, I went all out today and updated all the things. Just seemed like a great day for being me.
Kim Upton 